Bosom of the Church

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The Bosom of the Church ("Pectus Ponteficis Maximi") is the official title given to the man breasts of the Pope.

The role of The Bosom of the Church[edit]

If a supplicant wishes something from the Pope, it is tradition that he "throw himself into the Bosom of the Church" - i.e. he must sit on the lap of the Pope and bury his head between the holy man breasts. Then, he may make his request. If his request is granted, then it is said that he has been granted "succour" by the Bosom of the Church. If his request is denied, then it is said that he has been denied "succour" by the Bosom of the Church.

Succour[edit]

Succour (or "fellatio" to give it its Latin name) is the reward of the successful supplicant. It can come in different ways, either directly from the Bosom of the Church or from "Lingua Patris", the official name for the Pope's mouth. If it comes directly from the Bosom of the Church then it is traditional to bestow a pearl necklace upon the Pope; if succour is granted by Lingua Patris then it is traditional to bestow a facial upon the Pope - he likes to feel pretty and to be pampered, after all.

History[edit]

The tradition dates back to the time of Jesus - if a cripple or leper wished to be healed by Jesus, he first had to orally stimulate Jesus' nipples with his tongue. This was because the nipples were the seat of Jesus' power and if they were not fully erect then Jesus was not fully omnipotent. The tradition of throwing oneself into the Bosom of the Church is a way of honouring Jesus and his mighty nipples, although today a supplicant is not required to orally stimulate the nipples of the Pope - a Cardinal is on hand with some ice cubes which will be given to the supplicant for that purpose.

See Also[edit]

"Kissing the Pope's Ring"

Famous people who have thrown themselves into the Bosom of the Church[edit]