Bossk

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“They invented Jai Alai, and want independence from France and Spain

~ Tamia on bossk

The Reptile Formally Known As Bossk (T.R.F.K.A.B.), is perhaps the single least loved character from the entire Star Wars saga. All the other bit-part characters got cool background stories of daring-do and vile deeds. What did he get? "He is a giant lizard. He hates Chewbacca". Who cares!!?? Everyone hates Chewbacca! But alas, I am letting my emotions get in the way of my professionalism.

It all started two months ago in some shady, down-and-out cantina In Mos something-or-other on Tatooine. I was kicking back, feet on the table, sipping a long drink real slowly, minding my own business. Then I see a figure approach me. He was tall, man, real tall and his eyes, man, you only need to see them once to recognise them the second time. A scaly hand appeared from out the shadows and dropped something next to my boots. A low hiss met my shell-like and I listened good. This mother meant business.

"You're the writer everyone's talking about, right?" he asked

"Yeah man that's me..." I replied, kinda weakly.

"Just blew in from Nar Shadaa, left behind a real mess. Some say the idiot wrote an article about spice smugglers operating from there to Coruscant for some dead end page on the Hyperweb. The Empire blew in there. A lot of smugglers got iced. A couple of Hutts are real angry."

This is it, I thought. I have got a contract on my head after all. This slimy reptile's gonna blast me and make good on the reward money.

I was wrong.

He pointed to the stuff he'd put on my table. Data-slates. "That there is my entire life. I want you to take care of it. Write it up. Make it look good. I want my name up with those damned amateurs. Boba Fett. Dengar. Sort out this problem for me and I'll sort out a problem for you. You got two months."

You bet I did. My life depended on it.

The Early Years[edit]

Bossk first hatches from his egg some time around 30 years B.B.Y in a run down shanty town on the edge of a swamp on Trandoshan. According to the ancient rites of Trandoshan tradition, he killed his as yet unhatched siblings, skinned them and sold them to a Twi'lek shoemaker in town for 70 credits. Whilst in the eyes of his elders he had proven himself worthy to live, his parents, who were extremely liberal by Trandoshan standards, were not best pleased.

In defiance of Trandoshan values, which stated that barren females should be stoned to death in the town square, Bossk's parents sold his father's construction company to pay for a highly expensive course of fertility treatment which they underwent in secret in a back-street clinic on Nar Shadaa. Their resulting clutch of 17 eggs were the only chance that this surprising couple would ever have of bearing young and so they became insanely paranoid about their protection. Subsequently, after seeing their first-born destroy all they had fought so hard for, something inside them changed and without realising it, the infant Bossk had set in place a grim destiny for himself.

Frequently without food and at the mercy of the brutal Trandoshan weather, not to mention the even more brutal beatings that he suffered at the hands of his parents, Bossk learned early on in life to fend for himself. By the age of 6, he had already become a notorious thief and ruffian amongst his fellow Trandoshans and subsequently earned a surprising level of respect for someone so young. However, the "un-Trandoshaness" of his parents was attracting a lot of unwanted negative attention. Bossk's home was situated some distance away from any of the other shanty houses and his parents had practically become recluses, never leaving the "safety" of their home. By the age of 9, Bossk had reached a brutally (and typically Trandoshan) conclusion. Such a slight on his own prowess could not be allowed to exist any longer. His parents would have to go.

And so one storm-swept night, as his parents lay sleeping inside, Bossk burned his house to the ground in sight of all the residents of the shanty-town, who were particularly pleased with the utter lack of mercy he felt at their screams and also by the fact that he had the foresight to steal all his parents' valuables first.

As a result of this incident, Bossk was now initiated as a fully fledged member of Trandoshan society, an act which he celebrated by decapitating the Master Of Ceremonies shortly after the ritual was complete, much to the admiration of his audience.

The Troubled Teenage Years[edit]

The next few years consisted of Bossk's attempts to dominate the society into which he had now finally been accepted. These sordid activities included frequently hiring and then murdering members of his gang as he got bored of them, stealing anything that wasn't nailed down, taking whatever passes as a narcotic on Trandoshan on a frequent basis and catching embarrassing diseases from all the young ladies of the town. In the eyes of his superiors, Bossk was now a Grade A crook and was now allowed to upgrade his rank from Thug (Level 4) to Psychopath (Level 11) on all his personal I.D. documents.

However, by the age of 19, it was clear that Bossk had outgrown his home planet and subsequently his elders had hired him passage on a smuggling ship that had just arrived in the area to that notorious den of scum, Tatooine. Boarding his new transport (the Millennium something-or-other), Bossk showed gratitude through the usual brutal mutilations and set off to spread his name throughout the galaxy.

Things took a turn for the worse, however, as on that treacherous journey he acquired his hatred of that king-of-all-arseholes: Chewbacca. Whilst the human pilot was as nonchalant as ever towards his passengers, the Wookiee was not so hospitable. Having lost a girlfriend to a Trandoshan through a mixture of foul body odour and not being overly well endowed, Chewbacca took an instant dislike to Bossk.

The resulting hate campaign included urinating in Bossk's coffee, name-calling, tasteless jokes about lizards and insulting references to Bossk's dead mother and what Chewbacca would have done to her if she were still alive and sexually virile. As it was, it took all the human's efforts to keep Bossk and the Wookiee alive until the journey was complete and he received his payment.

And so, as Bossk finally set foot {alright, claw) on the hot sand of Tatooine and stood in the blinding light of its twin suns, he promised himself that he would wipe out the Wookiee race single-handed. But first, he had to make a name for himself. After all, what is the point of a murder if your victim isn't terrified at the mere mention of his murderer's name?

The Rise To Glory[edit]

Like many new arrivals on Tatooine, Bossk immediately set about making himself at home; i.e. committing petty crime for kicks. Over the first few months of his stay, Bossk himself admitted to 14 robberies, 3 burglaries, 12 murders, 31 aggravated assaults, 4 acts of demands with menaces, 5 counts of spice possession/dealing, 2 counts of death-stick possession/dealing and countless acts of loitering, disturbing the peace and criminal damage.

Having cemented his place on Tatooine, Bossk aimed to move up in the criminal world. Gathering a gang of half a dozen other scum-bags and ne'er-do-wells about him, he attempted to hold up a Hutt owned gambling hole in Mos Eisley. This act however, nearly proved to be his downfall. The gang attempted to rob the den at dusk the day after Boonta Eve, when the den would be at its least busy, but would still have its takings from bets on the pod-races. However, one of the gang members had drunkenly leaked information about the robbery to a worker at the den whilst in Mos Eisley cantina and subsequently the Hutt and his henchmen were more than prepared. All the gang were killed within seconds of the robbery starting apart from Bossk, who despite being badly injured, was pulling limbs from his assailants with his bare hands in a psychotic fury. The Hutt who owned the den was so impressed by the display that he told his men to hold fire and offered to employ Bossk on the spot, an offer he accepted.

That Hutt's name was Jabba Desilijic Tiure.


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