Boston Red Sox

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“Damn Yankees!”

~ Boston Red Sox on the New York Yankees
"I can see my house from here!"

The Boston Red Sox are a baseball team located in Boston, Massachusetts. The team is most noted for wearing red socks during games, hence the name Red Sox. The Red Sox are rivals to the New York Yankees, for some reason.

Franchise-wise, the Red Sox are owned by Heinz. However, the fact Heinz makes clothing often leads to the assumption the Red Sox are named after clothes. This is not why, however.

The sign used at Fenway Park when the Yankees are the away team.
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Boston Red Sox.

Fenway Park[edit]

Fenway Park is the stadium in which the Red Socks play baseball games. A famous piece of Fenway, is the Green Monster, which is often confused as an actual monster. According to experts, this misunderstanding is the reason few children are seen at Red Sox games. The Green Monster however is a wall. A wall that is tall. A tall wall. A tall wall that is green. A green tall wall.

The prices of tickets vary. Usually in April the Red Socks tickets are very cheap, tricking fans into thinking the season's ticket prices will be cheap and games will be affordable. However, around June, the ticket prices rise from a couple nickels (the highest price in 1912) to around 50 bucks. This often leads to many fans not appearing at games and choosing to watch games on TV. Every couple of days the tickets cheapen back to a few nickels for season tickets. At the end of the season, the fans end up paying a couple thousand, realizing that the tickets had full price of 50 bucks written in Sharpie marker on the back. Still, the fans follow this procedure every season, only to fall into the trap again.

Fenway Park is old. It was first played in by the Reds Soxes in 1912 under the name Soxland Stadium. In 1990, the team changed the name to Fenway Park. The name's origin is currently unknown. The Green Monster wall was born after the ALCS loss to the Yankees in 1999 and 2003. When the manager of the Red Sox manager complained to the owner that without a huge wall, the Red Sux would give up many homeruns.

With the completion of the Green Monster to begin the 2004 season, the Red Sox made the postseason for a second year in a row. They met the Yankees in the ALCS for the second year in a row, too. When the first pitch was thrown by a Red Sox pitcher it was driven hard by Derek Jeter and hit the Green Monster, in which Derek Jeter didn't realize he didn't hit a homer and was tagged out jogging slowly around the bases. This happened four or five times throughout the ALCS. The Green Monster came in handy after all when the Red Sox defeated the Yankees 4 games to 3 in the 2004 ALCS and went on to win the World Series. This would happen again in 2007. Since September2011, the Red Sox proved that they probably wouldn't win another World Series in the near future. The following season Bobby Valentine came into the organization as manager, sending Josh Beckett, Nick Punto, Carl Crawford, and Adrian Gonzalez to the Los Angeles Dodgers in exchange for what the Dodgers called great future Hall-of-Famer farm players. This move, unfortunately turned out to be one of the more not so rewarding moves and the Red Sox nearly finished in last place of their division.

When the team struggles, Big Papi can be seen in the dugout cuddling with fellow teammates.


The 1901-1919 era was the franchise's rise from the ground. The minor Western team, led by Banned Johnson, declared its inequality from the minor Western league, claiming that the National League was more of a challenge. Without any disputes, the team was quickly promoted to the new American League.

The newly formed franchises that filled the American League were teams in Baltimore, Maryland, and Buffalo. The Buffalo Wings were the Buffalo team, the Baltimore Orioles were the Baltimore team, and the Maryland Land O' Marys were the Maryland team. However, with the addition of the Boston team, the Buffalo team was canceled.

The team sock color. Often come white and require red dye to make the sock color red.

It was two mere years until the Red Sox stole their first championship in the 1903 season. Nine pitiful years later, they claimed another. Three years later, another championship was claimed, followed by another the next year. In 1918, they claimed yet another championship. It was then the Red Sox struggled somewhat, for 86 years.

Rivalry with the Yankees[edit]

An obvious Yankees fan.

The New York Yankees don't like the Red Sox. Neither do the Red Sox like the Yankees. This enmity manifests itself most commonly via suspicious pitches being thrown at batters of both teams by the opposite pitcher, and sometimes their own pitchers.

In 1978, during an AL Pennant Race against the Yankees, the Red Sox made mistake pitches to Bucky Dent where upon Bucky Dent then lifted a pitch to tie the game. Reggie Jackson then also picked up, hitting a solo shot off from the Red Sox and screwed the BoSox for good.

In 1990, Dent was fired as team manager after a series in Boston, teammates claiming "Bucky Fucking Dent", from both dugouts.

Recently, Alex Rodriguez and Jason Varitek of the Red Sox got into a wrestling match during a game where upon Jason Varitek called for a pitch to hit Arod. Arod responded with a gentle "Wanna mess?", and Varitek quickly responded "Kinda...". It was then when the two teams confused this match as a brawl and sprung out of their respective dugouts, ultimately joining in on the fight. It was a 50-man total brawl, which meant pairs of two was possible. Each position player on each team would face their opposite team position player, Mariano Rivera would fight the Red Sox closer, where then Terry Francona and Joe Torre would fight against one another. The only acceptance was Jason Varitek, the catcher of the Boston Red Sox, fought Alex Rodriguez, the Yankees third basemen. Mike Lowell was the Red Sox third basemen, fighting the Yankees catcher, Jorge Posada.

Occasionally, the Red Sox and Yankees will every now and then brawl again.

The John Henry era[edit]

On a routine year during the team's 86-year championship drought, the team was acquired by a consortium including John Henry (not the famous railroad worker but someone with the same name) and the Boston Globe. This ownership group had grandiose visions of turning Fenway Park into a full-sized baseball stadium or building a new one in the suburbs, as though anything so life-changing would be allowed to happen in Boston. Moreover, the new owners did not have hobbies such as discriminating against Negroes or trading star players to get cash to open Broadway musicals. They simply, quietly, won the World Series in 2004 — and again in 2007.

Many local fans believe that these successes were the result of actual actions that Mr. Henry took. Fortunately, the years immediately following served as a disproof.

The Moneyball era[edit]

The reader will have watched the movie Moneyball, in which the famous Billy Bean hires a nerd named Bill James and adopts his philosophy that, rather than signing famous players to replace famous players who walk when they realize the team won't pay the big bucks, a team should acquire players who deliver game-winning statistics for a bargain price, as when one buys sneakers at a salvage yard and later wishes they resisted rain. The resulting Bean-job produced some stirring statistical anomalies, such as a long winning streak, in the middle of a losing season.

John Henry himself has a cameo role in the movie, reprising his attempt to hire away Mr. James by offering him a quiet cup of tea in the cramped luxury boxes. Sabermetricians do a lot of great things, but they don't award championship rings. Still, in 2004, the club managed to assemble a team of "idiots" — who, incidentally, won a ton of games. The subsequent championship in 2007 seemed to validate the "Moneyball" approach although the Red Sox of that year had become overpaid prima donnas.

By 2011, the philosophy had assembled a starting pitching rotation whose fine statistics were on the market for a fraction of the going salaries — a rotation of pitchers, none of whom would be willing to remain sober during the playing of games that he was not scheduled to start. Having Terry Francona as manager did not save the day; even flipping a player a double bird with World Series rings on both the affected fingers is nothing that a truly bored player cannot tune out.

The team made history that summer, squandering an insurmountable advantage in the final weeks of the regular season with scuffles in the dugout, secret meetings in the clubhouse, and a blossoming, unanimous hatred of the players for one another. On the final day of the season, the Red Sox could still have made the playoffs if either of two outcomes went their way. Fans will always remember Ryan Lavarnway catching a throw from the outfield that could not stop the season-ending run from scoring — then looking up: Maybe there's a play at second base....

The brief Bobby Valentine era[edit]

The hard-core baseball fan will understand that the solution for that concerted collapse involves multiple steps:

  1. Ensure that all the underperforming, big-name athletes are signed for the next season.
  2. Fire the championship manager, after softening him up in the press with rumors about pill-popping and domestic troubles.
  3. Declare in the media that his replacement will not be some wisecracking television pundit such as Bobby Valentine.
  4. Hire wisecracking television pundit Bobby Valentine.

So it was that Valentine came to the storied franchise for the single, rollercoaster 2012 season. A lifetime of training to always talk up the team somehow never prepares players for what to do when the manager himself declares that star firstbaseman Kevin Youkilis isn't motivated. This led to Dustin Pedroia's comment that Valentine needed to learn that "that's not the way we do things." Alas, he never did; instead, the club embarked on a series of decisive moves, which, surprising no one, decided things. The club first traded away Youkilis, essentially for nothing, for the crime of not being liked by a manager who obviously was not long for the job himself. (Well, it worked with Nomar!) Then it traded away most of the other superstars, acquiring in exchange some promising talent on farm teams and freeing up cash for a promising 2013 season, while still trying to sell tickets for 2012. Valentine, meanwhile, practiced his specialty: Wisecracking and acting stupid.

By the end of the mediocre pennant run, John Henry would tell the press he wasn't sure why Bill James was not more influential, but he would be in the future. Thus, by the end of the year, the club went full-circle, spending all that free cash to sign names big enough to replace the bigness of the names it had just let go.

Notable Players[edit]

The Red Sox have played some notable players throughout their existence. The first notable Red Soxers were 3B Jimbob Collins, outfielders Chick's Stale, Buck Freeman, Pastry Doughetry, and pitcher Cy Young.

Bobby Valentine taking out Josh Beckett after his average twelve hours of four innings work.

The Red Sox once included Babe Ruth in their franchise, as a pitcher. Then the Yankees acquired Ruth from the Red Sox and became an outfielder. This was also an infamous Red Sox move, as Babe Ruth "built the house" and set numerous batting records.

The Red Sox also once had a player named Ted Williams, who could be easily confused with the Man With A Golden Voice.

Daisuke Matsuzaka's twenty minute windup, sped up into the average three or four second windup.

The Red Sox most recent rotation until the end of the 2012 season, included Soxers Josh Beckett and Daisuke Matsuzaka. Beckett would take twenty minutes between each pitch until delivering his next pitch. Daisuke Matsuzaka takes a length of twenty minutes in his windup before delivering the pitch. Legend says, if the two pitch in the same game, the game would go into extra innings of the next scheduled game, which is thought to be impossible due to not being the same game and therefore it disproves the following theory:

Let t equal time, g equal game, p equal player, x equal pitches, b equal bitches and i equal inning(s).

For if Daisuke Matsuzaka and Josh Beckett pitched in the same game, the deadly theory would be tested:

Let m equal your mother, g equal game, t equal 20 minutes of time, p equal player, x equal pitches, and d equal doom

The last equation would consist of these following guidelines: Let d equal a terrible, old, and unwelcome meme

Notable Events[edit]

  • 1777: George Washington finds his socks became red after bleeding severly during the Battle of Forge. He sends them Boston to get washed, inspiration is struck into the heads of many civilians.
  • 1901: Many players socks become red
  • 1903: Pittsburgh Pirates get into a minor situation which results in the Red Sox winning the World Series
  • 1904: Red Sox suspiciously win second consecutive World Series
  • 1912: Fenway Park is made for the Red Sox
  • 1915: Red Sox claim another World Series
  • 1916: Two consecutive championships, still a suspicious feat.
  • 1918: Another championship, and the last until 2004. The Chicago Cubs are the only other team to go through almost 100 years without a championship. (The Cubs have gone over 100 years, still currently looking for another championship to date)
  • 2004: Red Sox place the Green Monster into Fenway Park. The Green Monster leads the Red Sox to a championship.
  • 2007: A drought of three years until the Red Sox reach another championship. In response to the 2011 and 2012 season, this may be their last.
  • 2011: Jacoby Ellsbury becomes first Red Soxer to collect 30 stolen bases and 30 homers, making the 30/30 club. September disowns the BoSox.
  • 2012: Bobby Valentine.

See also[edit]

Major League Baseball
AC East Central West
Baltimore Orioles Chicago White Sox Los Angeles Angels
Boston Red Sox Cleveland Indians Oakland Athletics
New York Yankees Detroit Tigers Seattle Mariners
Tampa Bay Rays Kansas City Royals Texas Rangers
Toronto Blue Jays Minnesota Twins
NC East Central West
Atlanta Braves Chicago Cubs Arizona Diamondbacks
Florida Marlins Cincinnati Reds Colorado Rockies
New York Mets Houston Astros Los Angeles Dodgers
Philadelphia Phillies Milwaukee Brewers San Diego Padres
Washington Nationals Pittsburgh Pirates San Francisco Giants
St. Louis Cardinals