Boudreau

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“Got that right, Britannia bitch!”

~ Roman Empire on Boudreau

“When one is talking of Boudreau, they may use the term ‘fat bastard’ in its place; similarly, when one is talking of a Fat Bastard, the term ‘Boudreau’ is appropriate to use in its place henceforth. Therefore, the terms are interchangeable.”

~ Captain Obvious on Boudreau

“W…T…F…?...”

~ You on The above quote

Emperor Boudreau I of Illinois (b. 14 March 1879) is a crackwhore/tyrant that holds several distinctions; not only is it the fattest living thing in the continental United States (that 3.5-mile-wide mushroom in Oregon doesn't even compete), it has also at various times during its lifetime:

  • impregnated itself seven times

The story of Boudreau and K’s escape from justice was told in the film Die Hard, with Danny Glover as Boudreau and Mel Gibson as K.

Ye Olden Yeares[edit]

The fat gay bastard known only as Boudreau was born to Oprah Winfrey, Jabba the Hutt and William Howard Taft ('twas a threesome) somewhere between 1889 and 1876 BC. Its gender was unidentifiable from birth. It was educated at the International Retard College of America, where it graduated in 1776 at the 146739th place out of a class of 35. IRCA was soon renamed the Boudreau the Retard College of Amerika in 1865. Many believe that this renaming was actually in honor of baseball manager Lou Boudreau, but that's simply a facet of bullshitism, as it were.

Boureau is, surprisingly, only half Nazi. The other half is neo-Nazi. Boudreau is also π% Jewish, making being around it a hell of a lot of fun.

Rise to Power[edit]

In 1492, Boudreau was employed as an art teacher at Ogden School in Bromwell, near Quincy, Illinoisia, where it taught the fine, gentle art of painting acts of child torture - a subject of which Boudreau would later become the premier worldwide expert at. Boudreau soon used its Mafia connections to rise through the ranks at Ogden.

It was around this time that Boudreau met another transgender Nazi who simply went by "K". (Later research and a deathbed confession would later reveal that K was actually one Karen Thimmig, aka Tupac Shakur, but this would remain unknown for several centuries.) K would remain dedicated to Boudreau until their murder-suicide with Bolivian authorities in 1903.

With the help of K, Boudreau would quickly rise through the ranks; from lowly art teacher it was promoted to a first grade teacher, and, over time, became a third grade teacher, and, eventually, the most despised, hated, and dreaded position in any grade school... a sixth grade maths teacher. After 307 years and nine months at this position, Boudreau became vice principal after the sudden death of VP Hans Schuler, although foul play is suspected. On April 9, 1865, Boudreau challenged the current principal, W. B. Ogden, to a staring contest for the principalship. Five days into the contest, Boudreau would win the contest by pulling an AK-47 on Ogden, making him blink and therefore winning the contest, after which it proceeded to shoot him.

Colonel Nicoletti[edit]

Boudreau was crowned High Principal, Supreme Commander of the Ogden Armed Forces, First Lord of the Treasury, Emperor of Illinois, Ruler of the Kentucky Commonwealth, and Emperor of the Ocean on December 25, 1066, at the Haymarket Abbey in the new capital of its empire, Chicago. As its first official act as Emperor, captured ex-Governor R. J. Daley, sentenced him to death, then had him burnt at the stake, drawn and quartered, beheaded, poisoned with arsenic and dark chocolate, eaten, executed by firing squad and lethal injection, drowned in the Chicago River, and cremated. Surprisingly, Daley was found still alive after all of this, and was consequently thrown off the Really High, Useless and Pointless Building into Lake Michigan. Even stranger, when Daley's corpse was found in 1976, there was water in his lungs - proof that he withstood all of these forms of torture until finally dying. (Show-off.)

In 1968, President Lyndon Dumbass Johnson sent Colonel Charles "Chucky" Nicoletti up the Illinois River to eliminate the renegade Boudreau. Nicoletti was a successful agent of the CIA, who had been one of the men sent to kill JFK five years prior, and was responsible for Vietnam. However, Nicoletti got caught up with the Democratic National Convention riots, and didn't reach Chicago for three more years.

In 1972, the crack commando unit leader Nicoletti finally found Boudreau, in an area of the city known today as the "Magnificent Mile". A high-speed chase ensued, one that would be re-created by the Blues Brothers in 1980. The chase ended when Boudreau's car plowed into a time warp, transporting it five years into the future. Nicoletti's car entered the portal after it, emerging onto the same street in 1977, where the chase resumed. Nicoletti pulled out a sniper rifle and blew the back of Boudreau's head open, but this had absolutely no effect on the fat bastard. Then K showed up, and rammed Nicoletti's car into the lake, ending the chase. But the Nazis hadn't heard the last from Chucky Nicoletti.

Escape from Justice and Subsequent Manhunt[edit]

Boudreau and K realized that they needed to leave the country. On 4 December 1977, they boarded a ship to Tunisia, but the ship was capsized by a storm, and the two gay Nazis were the only survivors. After swimming ashore in Libya, Boudreau read a newspaper account of the escape, and found that Nicoletti was indeed alive, had found out of their escape plans to Africa, and had sent a platoon, commanded by one E. N. Wesa, to the North African coast with orders to "shoot-to-kill". K suggested that they flee to Europe, but Boudreau struck the order down. The next day, the retards stowed away on a merchant ship headed for [[|chili|Chile]].

Nicoletti himself happened to be on his way to the South American continent to meet with an R. Reeves about commissioning extra troops for the manhunt. The battleship Nicoletti was aboard, the CSS Bigassshipdestinedtosinkoffnovascotia, encountered the merchant ship, the Slutskaya, and Nicoletti ordered a routine inspection. Somehow Boudreau and K escaped their grasp, and boarded another ship bound for Louisiana.

Rendezvous in America and France[edit]

Once the ship arrived in New Orleans, Boudreau set up an operative force of mercenaries to do its bidding. These mercenaries were mostly Sicilian, Irish or Jewish, though there were a few retards, like Boudreau itself. Later the organization would branch out to other locations, such as Chicago, New York, London, Bruges, and Avignon, and it would be called the Mob.

K knew that they would be far from safe inside the US, so it planned one last rendezvous at Ogden School before fleeing to their still undecided final destination. And so on 11 November 1978, Boudreau and company left New Orleans for Ogden, arriving eleven days later. Once back at Ogden where it all began, Boudreau and K mapped out their escape plans with another top Nazi official, Maria “Himmler” Carter. The Nazis would return once more to New Orleans, then trek to California, board a ship to Peru, then continue inland to Bolivia, where they would set up another base of operations. But first, the High Principal had one more act of evil to commit at Ogden. On December 1, 1978, Boudreau ordered all subjects of Ogden massacred, which they were the same evening. The following day they left for New Orleans.

But, by a happenstance of history, they ended up in Orleans instead of New Orleans – to this day, nobody is quite sure why and how. While in France, on 4 January 1979, Boudreau was married to its own big fat ass, and over the next month K recruited forty thousand men and overtook Orleans to serve as a temporary base. But completely unbeknownst to the Nazis, during their stay in Orleans, Nicoletti was marching an army of eighty thousand guerillas northward from Toulouse to Orleans. Simultaneously, Cookie Monster was leading an army fifty thousand strong northwest from Marseille, and Douglas MacArthur led sixty three thousand men southeast from Caen. Nicoletti also had men garrisoned in Bordeaux, Lyon, Paris, and Lille to prevent their escape. It seemed that the outlaw trail of Boudreau would end in Orleans right then and there.

Battle of Orleans[edit]

Nicoletti’s army reached Boudreau first. The two armies met on Strawberry Fields, a large plain fifteen miles outside of Orleans. The battle lasted five days, and, though pitched, did not kill or capture either Boudreau or K, though Himmler Carter was slain in the assault. Though their targets escaped, Nicoletti took control of Orleans, renamed in Paris, and handing it over to the United Spades of Amerika, who still possess it today.

Bloody Hell, There’s More?![edit]

Boudreau and K stowed away on the Adolf Hitler, a Union frigate bound for Havana, but the Hitler was hijacked by pirates and sailed to Peru. In Lima, Boudreau and K teamed up with two former members of their gang, Bob “Killer” Hruby, a PE teacher back at Ogden, and the ruthless, legendary Ogden kindergarten teacher known only as “Mallen”. Together the four Ogden cohorts planned to move north through Bolivia and Brazil, plundering and capturing on their was, working their way through Central America and Mexico until they reached the US, where they would piece back together the Ogdenic Empire that was once theirs. On June 6, 1979, K telegraphed the commandant at Ogden, J. “von Ribbentrop” Sherman, to send forces south from Ogden to meet with them, and corner and kill the United Spades’ leader, George Dubya Bush, in Texas from both sides.

Boudreau’s Last Stand[edit]

Leaving Hruby in Lima to send reinforcements if necessary, Boudreau, K and Mallen proceeded to Bolivia to raise an army to march north. Shortly thereafter, the forces that von Ribbentrop had sent, commanded by V. “Göring” Bujan. They were still in Bolivia when, on 14 July 1979, Nicoletti’s forces arrived in Bolivia. A shootout ensued at the well-armed garrison of Santa Cruz de la Sierra, where Boudreau, K and Mallen had taken over the fort just a week earlier. Three days into the shootout, Mallen was killed by a sniper rifle blast to the head. Unsurprisingly, Boudreau’s big fat girth was hit by some of the gunfire, and by the time Mallen died Boudreau had been hit four times. K, invoking the pact they had made years before at Ogden, chopped Boudreau into a millon little pieces, then shot itself in the head with an AK-47. K missed, being the fucking retard it was. So it tried again, and this time its shot proved true. Hruby committed suicide shortly thereafter, “von Ribbentrop” Sherman was defeated by Nicoletti, and the Ogdenic empire was dissolved with its Emperor dead. Boudreau and K had made their final escape.

Burial[edit]

Frankly, we don’t give a fuck.