Bouncer

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A bouncer tandem. The chap on the right does the talking while the big bloke on the left is in charge of beating the crap out of you

“A poet can survive everything but a misprint. And a bouncer's fist of course.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bouncers

A Bouncer is the archaic name for the professional security teams that protect the interests of bars and clubs worldwide, through a highly judicious implementation of rules and regulations. Every 'Security professional' has to attend seven years of rigorous training followed by a further three years at S.F.S (Security Finishing School)- learning valuable skills along the way.

It has been highlighted that 1 in 4 people aspire to become a security professional - but for every thousand person that applies only 1 is successful. A security professional can read a number plate from 300 ft and can carry a car. It is this amazing breath of skills which make bouncers among the most respected and noble members of society. As Richard Nail'em, a member of the Bouncer Hall of Fame, eloquently pointed out; "The best bouncers don’t "bounce" anyone... they talk to people".

Etymology[edit]

Zealous critics and writers have argued for centuries over the meaning of the word. Renowned linguist Philip "Masher" Jenkins argues: "The word bouncer originates from the Latin word bouncinaus, meaning protector of property and lover of man." It is this kind of ethos that modedern day bouncers aspire to.

Looking towards the Bible can also provide an insight to the word. Isiah chapter 3 And Jesus spoke to his worthy disciples and said "I proclaim that you men shalt bounceth the word of God throughout the land". Thus appears the theory that modern Bouncers are in fact divine beings whom relay the venerations of Christ to the plebians of the country.

Characteristics[edit]

The modern Bouncer is immune to humour. Any jovialities or jokes are quashed by the loyal keepers of the door. Today's doorman must often have so grotesque a face that no one dares look into their eyes. Steroids are crucial to their diet; to explain why, we must once again visit the rhetoric of Sir Richard Nail'em:

Cquote1.png We're big men with big muscles mate Cquote2.png

Weaknesses[edit]

Despite Bouncer Magazine Monthly's recent publication of an article suggesting that the Bouncer is impenetrable to any kind of weakness, John Rogers highly successful book Useless Facts and Obscure Collected Essays finds a flaw in the modern day Hercules:

Cquote1.png You soon see that the big porkies go weak at the knees when a nice looking blonde starts flirting with them. Cquote2.png

Yes indeed, when this happens the SAS like Bouncers malfunction, breaking into spontaneous laughter and giving themselves an elevated sense of power; they may even hand out free guestlist passes to a particularly admired specimen.

Post-Girl Depression[edit]

Does this gentleman look like he has a fulfilling personal life?

Every day, 700 hundred bouncers will be rushed into A&E suffering from "Post Girl Depression". Having spoken to a girl, it can take as little as a one word for the bouncer to spiral into a crushing depression. Realising that they were being used and will never know of love or any kind of female affection, many bouncers turn to the Bouncers Alliance for help.

Bouncers Alliance[edit]

The BA is a brotherhood for lonely bouncers. They run fun days out all over the country. They have also set up their own dating networks, trust funds and a charity.

Bond with a bouncer today!
Bum A Bouncer Federation Alliance
Bouncer Adoption Scheme