“Bourbon is the only reason I haven't shot up my place of work.”
“Get the fuck away from me.”
“I drank bourbon once. When I woke up, you guys were here.”
“Holy shit I'm everywhere.”
The 18th century was a strange but innovative time. The Lightning rod was invented by Benjamin Franklin when he received cold soup for dinner and strapped his wife to a metal pole during a storm, John Gay, an awful English dramatist and poet, set the stage for the phrase "this shit's really gay," and the French were Revolutioning by "fighting" one another (historians often disagree on whether or not bouts of sissy slapping can be considered fighting, even in 1789) for croissants or some shit, I dunno. More importantly than these so-called "achievements" of humanity was the creation of Bourbon Whiskey.
Bourbon is America's answer to reality. The public, feeling the strong need to silence the voices in its collective head, did what any civilized society would do under the duress of modern life. They turned to inbred rednecks and their illegal, highly flammable, and unsettlingly incestuous distilling operations for the cure. What was created (in addition to multiple amputees and skin graft candidates) was Bourbon.
Some may say the price ("we isn’t gunna stop marryin' are sisters, y'hear?") was too high of a price to pay for the delicious beverage. Most just moved the fuck out of Louisiana with haste.
On 4 May 1964, the U.S. Congress recognized Bourbon Whiskey as a “distinctive product of the United States," creating the Federal Standards of Identity for Bourbon. As opposed to indistinctive products such as zippers, flaming chainsaws, and that thing they jam up your ass during colonoscopies. This collective psychosis resulted in the creation of an identity for Bourbon; a product so reveled it is seen as an entity as opposed to a beverage. Federal regulations now stipulate that Bourbon must meet these requirements:
- Bourbon must be made of a grain mixture that is at least 51% corn and less than 18% unborn fetuses
- Bourbon must be distilled to no more than 160 (U.S.) proof (80% alcohol by volume). This is to prevent blindness in the population already plagued by rampant erectile dysfunction and bunions.
- Bourbon must be sanctified by the blood of 12 virgins and a goat. Preferably a white goat. Jesus would like that.
- Bourbon must be cursed at for several hours by large, burly men before shipping. This ensures its bittersweet taste and its side effect of making it's consumer a raging asshole.
Bourbon is used as a common form of contraceptive due to the fact that prolonged (single dose) usage has caused testicles to shrivel up and die. Aside from this practical application, it is often used as a form of lubrication. In an ironic twist of fate, men consuming large amounts of bourbon often have difficulties with stiff joints. Bourbon lubricates these problem areas, allowing men around the world to more easily beat their wives without strain or the need for a $20 message from the local parlor (prices may vary based on Happy Ending rates - see your local provider for more details).
Bourbon drinkers can be found in all walks of life. From the angry, depressed hobo who spends him time yammering on and on about the government and eating his shoes to the angry, depressed suburbanite male who is so bored he considers slaughtering his own family on a daily basis just to alleviate the repetition of his insignificant existence.
Expert Bourbon drinkers disagree on certain nuances, but the general consensus is that Bourbon, "kicks your mom's fuckin' ass, you homo son of a bitch."
Various abnormalities have been seen among bourbon users. Among the most well documented are:
- Messianic complex
- Sand in the vagina
- Difficulty speaking
- A new found fondness for Asian prostitutes with mild limps
- Limps (mild ones)
- Mind numbing headaches
- Chronic diarrhea
- The ability to smell colors
- Tooth decay
- Prancing like a ninny
- Spontaneous marathons of juggling
- Upset stomach
Did you know that...
- on August 2, 2007, the U.S. Senate passed a resolution officially declaring September 2007 National Bourbon Heritage Month?
- Al-Qaeda members melt when Bourbon makes contact with their skin?
- Bourbon makes all women more beautiful, especially that blonde with the lazy eye and that skin condition (leprosy) that works in the cubicle right next to yours?
- Bourbon was once used as a fuel source for the Communists?
- you can drink Bourbon?
- anyone can be bourbon enthusiast inasmuch as anyone can enjoy rear penetration from an emancipated Mexican hooker? You never know who's into Bourbon.
- many Bothans died to bring us this information?