Bovine Plots to Destroy David Byrne Awareness Day

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An unknown cow leeads a sit in, protesting David Byrne Awareness Day.

It is a well-known fact that all cows HATE Talking Heads, and especially David Byrne, with an unparalelled vehemence. They prefer the hard-rock beats of doom metal icon Kenny Chesney, the violent grunge protest songs of Lindsay Lohan, and the gangsta-rap obscenities of Tom Jones. They have thus conspired to brutally slaughter David Byrne and replace him with a cow, who will inaugurate the New World Order of the Horn and Udder and burn all remaining Talking Heads albums. This reached the president of a country whose name cannot be mentioned without awaking the collective ire of the Mormon Church, who spread the message to Billy Graham. However, the latter was too occupied with violating Monica Lewinsky's chastity and betraying the American people to create a holiday; the foreign president subsequently contacted George W., who instituted Bovine Plots to Destroy David Byrne Awareness Day, to be celebrated whenever David Byrne admits that cows are attempting to destroy him and his. Oscar Wilde said of it, "This is something everyone should know about, especially David Byrne."

The High Cow Responds[edit]

Recently, the High Cow, who is considered among his people "Prince of All Goodness," responded to charges that he intended to murder Byrne. He said, "While we cows are a proud race, who enjoy Kenny 'Oh mygad they killed', Lindsay 'Inversion of Goodnes' Lohan, and Tom 'Genreic Urban Nickname' Jones, we detest acts of violence against David Byrne, unless they involve strangling him with a giant rubber photograph of Eminem's unborn twin, Slim Shady II. Okay, I'm lying." Afterwards, Byrne admitted that bovine plots sought his death, and explained, "I desire that these cows stop making sense for once in a lifetime, they've no compassion. They think they know whats best... They're making a fool of us! While the great curve in American morality may allow them to continue their shenanigans, I was born under punches, so I guess I can take it in the big country which is full of cities. I wouldn't worry about me -- artists only do, and they stay hungry -- and I've got a new feeling that the life during wartime will end soon and I can resume my ordinary life among the little creatures. Yet it is doubtless that these are true stories, like in that book I read, and I apologise for having been blind to them. Moreover, I'm not in love. Just thought I might make another Talking Heads reference."

See also[edit]