Bovril

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“Teehee! Just say it, say Bovril!!”

~ Bully on kid with speech impediment

“Its a beef based paste which can be turned into a drink using the instructions found on the back”

Known predominantly for being Marmite's meatier brother, Bovril is made by repeatedly distilling the sweat of running bulls into a thick brown paste. Initially intended for use in the vulcanization industry, Bovril has since been adopted as a staple food compliment for coal miners and ironsmiths alike. Its thick beefy smell and trademark viscosity have scored it millions of fans all over the world, as well have many of its cutting edge marketing campaigns such as "Bovril.. If You Don't Who Will?" and "Buy Bovril, And Take A Bite Out Of Communism!"

Discovery[edit]

Donkey Kong didn't actually discover Bovril. He accidentally stepped on it while doing a Russian dance. An Italian prostitute wearing dungarees discovered it afterwards and decided to spread it on a couple of weetabixs.

Bovril In 2010[edit]

Bovril is proof the universe is decaying, as matter looses it vital energies it slowly turns into Bovril. In order to exist in our dimension Bovril must absorb and consume everything in its path.

It does this in a variety of ways:

  • Sneaking into comics and bonding with the heroes, therefore absorbing the girl at the end;
  • Sneaking into the Marmite factory and being shipped out to head across England, whereupon entering your body it proceeds to digest you; or perhaps disguising itself as the no longer produced, and much missed HP Sauce.
  • Hitch-hiking to tobacco fields and hiding among the flowers, upon being burnt it becomes a wraith of Bovril the most foul substance alive and proceeds to coat itself on your lungs.

It also has the nasty habit of appearing in video games as the first level boss, this is a marketing campaign by the French to show it can be beaten easily if you time your double jumps with its techno music bopping.

Bovril’s one known weakness is toast, upon binding with the most holy of breakfast snacks it reacts, forcing the wraiths away and replacing the vital energies, this is only effective if you use a small amount of Bovril, as overspreading - like your Gran always did - causes severe problems and has the same affect on the body as Ritalin.

Bovril on Tyneside[edit]

After a long debate in 1984 it was officially announced that it was no coincidence that Bovril rhymed with Arthur Scargill, the famous trade unionist and leader of the Socialist Labour Party.