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This Article is a Grumpy Gus
This article is really bitter. More bitter than eating a loved one at a grapefruit's funeral. We suggest the article should have a good cry with some of its best girl friends and pig out on chocolate and ice cream and just lighten the hell up. There are also good odds that this article was written by a prep school girl who has no life (or boyfriend).

Unnecessary flap of skin weighing between 150 – 300 pounds, the boyfriend requires constant attention, except when feeding, or unless you would like to give it attention.* Before the flap attaches itself to a host it feeds on a diet of light beer and freezer food. Once firmly attached to a host it looses all capacity to find food on its own and becomes completely dependent on the host. Also, its tastes in beer dramatically improve and scotch and rye whiskey become prevalent it its diet.

It inflates in the presence of other flaps, following feeding frenzies at local public houses, at sporting events, and at traffic lights. Particularly useful as a foot warmer on long winter nights and for changing light bulbs; it can put shelves up at an angle. May mow lawn eventually and is prone to burning chicken wings on the BBQ and leaving underwear scattered around the house. Many come with TV remote controls as standard.

The boyfriend's language perception centers are unique in that when you say "please fuck off", it hears "stay right there on the couch and we'll hump." The phrases, "I'm tired", "you're a pathetic wad of poo", "the kids aren't asleep yet", and many others have also been known to cause this anomaly. In extreme cases this constant misperception results in constant disappointment, leading to petulance and resentment. The recommended cure for this is securely restraining the boyfriend and inserting a large vibrating object in the anus for an extended period of time while having it call you mistress and lick you red pumps, *really*.

A very popular and essential component of a movie of the chick flick genre, a Boyfriend is usually present to have his intelligence insulted, along with that of the audience's during the entire duration of the movie.

Boyfriends tend to feature a short attention span and are easily distracted by other potential hosts; however, if left untreated they can turn into a husband, the removal of which requires lengthy legal wrangles and a whole heap of money. And a lot of money to get them to FUCK OFF so you are free to.....yeah.

*There is a second type of boyfriend which does not want attention, and will in fact lash out if given any. This subspecies will constantly insist that it needs "space," and will call your attempts to express affection "annoying," "intrusive," "crowding," or "clingy." If you express yourself physically, it will expand its vocabulary to "insipid" and "boring." It may equate you with its mother, sister, grade school librarian, or least favorite checkout clerk at the grocery store and attempt to punish you for their behavior. It may be melodramatic, angry, or generally irrational. The recommended method for removing this type is a good beating about the head- and shoulder-like projections near the point of origin of its snarling or dispassionate vocalizations. See ex-boyfriend.Also see TWAT twat so we make sex rare.

The species in general is hung up with measuring its cock. A strange phenomenon is to repeatedly measure the cock, and continually pester the girlfriend for confirmation of measurement of cock. If this repeated measurement of cock does not suffice (which it invariably does not), the boyfriend will engage the girlfriend to repeatedly account for the cock-measuring of others. Should this go on too long, the girlfriend will find she just can't possibly take any more cock and will sever things. See Lorena Bobbitt.

Part of the reason for this circumstance is the species' inability to understand a good dildo and a ladder will replicate all functions the boyfriend could provide.

The population of specius boyfriendius luciferious has been dwindling ever since the advent of petri dishes, refrigerators and ladies' nights out.

Your Boyfriend may be different.

Recommended ways of coping with this annoyance[edit]

  • Buy a kennel, collar and lead and leave them down the end of the garden till you get horny.
  • Get a girlfriend (but whatever you do do NOT let the boyfriend find out)
  • Invite all your female friends round for a girly night in. The boyfriend will be too scared of being laughed at to come near.
  • Record his stupidest moments and use them to raise a lynch mob.
  • If all else fails... see next section.


The easiest ways to dispose of a "boyfriend" are"

1.try to simply "break up" with it, like so

sudo aptget --purge remove boyfriend

This operation should include the annihilation of all its stuff, even the cool things that you want to keep. This is for the best.

2. try the knock knock approach:

you: knock knock
it: who's there?
you: <your name>
it: <your name> who?
you: <your name> doesn't want to be your girlfriend anymore.

A proxy (for you, not the boyfriend) may also be used with this method.

3. sleep with its best friend, roommate, boss, brother, Grandmother, father etc. Be sure to do all the weird shit you wouldn't do with it and get compelling documentary evidence of the event . Show this to it and explain how much more fulfilling and large dicked the best friend, roommate, boss, brother, Grandmother, father etc was. For your own safety it is recommended that this revelation be made in a public place (so that other girls can see how slutty you are and compliment you), and that physical/digital copies of the documentary evidence *never* be given to the boyfriend, only displayed for its benefit.

4. Get bat shit crazy. Begin needing things, crying incessantly, insisting that it never leave the house, hating its pack, and becoming shrill and vengeful at irregular times. Birth control is recommended to inspire the necessary personality changes. *WARNING*: for many species of boyfriend this will serve to increase rather than decrease the attachment, if this occurs drop the poor creature at your nearest strip club immediately.

5.if none of the above work, get a friend, and kill it.

*we are not to be held responsible if anyone should do any of the above*


See Also[edit]