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“Pretty sexy stuff!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Braces of all kind

Braces are a medieval torture device, mainly concerning teeth, but may include cutting cheeks or lips, and occasionally even a removal of the ability to chew. Many campaigns to outlaw braces have been launched, yet none have been successful. This is the ONLY form of torture still legal in all countries, and possibly the most painful. They cause an extreme pressure on the teeth. They are apparently some kind of "orthodontic" ritual, yet it is widely known that orthodontics are a pain in the teeth.

In North America, braces are put on for a fee, and are unique in being the only device where the user pays to hurt himself. They are often administrated by parents who wish to harm their children, and are considered one of the most painful devices conceived by man. You are encouraged to do your part and vote to outlaw braces.


Legends of Braces include how the devil places braces on the teeth of anybody who didn't brush their teeth enough, for eternity! ETERNITY!

Also, the man who invented braces also invented the electric chair, the testicle shocker, the shackels, the spiked headwear (spikes on inside) and, the Chokey. Nobody really knows who he is, but it is generally felt that he must have had some severe unresolved issues.

When the "bracket" on a brace has been broken, it means so has another law, and the torture device must stay on for another half a year. Braces are often broken by the "Orthodentist", a nice name for a professional torturer, to ensure that he gets more money. He will often break them on the day before they are to be removed. Braces also have a connection with increased suicide rates, and many commit suicide by removing the braces and swallowing them.

The Braces Conspiracy[edit]

Braces, though used for torture, were invented for the sole purpose of ruining trumpet players by putting huge cuts and sores in their mouthes, causing extreme pain. Nobody really minds, since all good trumpet players never got braces, and the ones who did must have really sucked in order to deserve braces.

Braces were also used by the CIA as device to track people's whereabouts and record their conversations. The small nano-devices located in the metal broadcasted signals to CIA headquarters every 9.6 seconds. This use of them was eventually dropped, since anybody with braces is generally such a loser that there's no point in tracking them.

Problems caused by having Braces[edit]

Braces make it impossible to huff kittens. If you are a kitten huffer and have braces forced upon you, it will generally be a long time before you can huff a kitten again. The only way to stop this painful need for kitten huffing after braces is to commit suicide it is rumored that Kurt Cobain was a reputed kitten huffer, and after having to get braces, killed himself.

Additions to Braces[edit]

Some possible additions include upper jaw speaders, metal bars to seperate upper and lowe jaw, and elastics, to slowly and painfully pull teeth.

Braces represented mathematically[edit]