“There can only be one thousand of us!”
“Let's waste 5 minutes of the film with my FUBAR'D look on my face!”
Braveheart was a movie made in 1955, but has since retired due to health reasons. The movie chronicles one of Scotland's greatest heroes, William Wallace -- also known as "Celtic Jesus". The movie grossed $15 million in its first five seconds, most of which is due to people wanting to see Mel Gibson's character die. A total of $100,000 was spent by the Nazi Party for tickets, as Gibson has always been popular among his Aryan homeboys. It was successful enough to spawn a remake, The Patriot, in which Gibson was able to save thousands of dollars by simply digitally adding in wigs to all the main characters and re-releasing the film. It was an instant success, and only intelligent people realized it was the same god damned movie.
It has been criticised by historians for "completely making things up in a near-continuous stream of bullshit" and shamelessly-exploited by the SNP.
Bravefart was one of the most famous movies starring Mel Gibson (Back when he was still taken seriously). It featured (Like The Patriot) scenes of extremely dumb cruelty and homosexuality by englishmen (Following the old movie cliché of anglophobia). Amongst them, the most memorable was English king Edward Longshanks (Played by satan). Although Mels portrayal of Wallace is commendable, the only reason Mel accepted the roll was so that he could, and I quote "feast my eyes on those ...," well I'm not going to say it. You probably have a good idea.
The movie tells the tale of Edward Longshanks, the english king responsible for adding North England to the United Kingdom and how he had to fight against luck, against destiny, against his "gay nancy boy" son, his son's "sex slave" and against crazy men with skirts to maintain the incestuous nature of the English empire. The movie tells us how he formulated a brilliant strategy to conquer those lands, consisting of killing all the leaders of his enemies (like what Bush wants to do with Osama) and giving the lands to trustworthy lords, so that the people grew used to live in English lands.
Unfortunately, for some reason they didn't like the fact englishmen were owning their lands and getting fair taxes, and decided to revolt (blatantly shameless reference to american revolution). Then the movie focus on the evil Wallace William (Or something like that) (portrayed by fervorous anti-british, anti-jew, Leeds United supporting, Mel Gibson), that tried to destroy the order and take part on random acts of violence (Blatantly shameless reference to George Washington). While King Longshanks (portrayed horribly by satan) did whatever he could to stop the madman and restore order to the English territory. Unfortunately, William was also a master tactician and fought with an inhuman frenzy, using a rather...eccentric strategy involving showing his underwear-lacking "arse" to englishmen while long phallic-shaped objects showered toward him.
After many battles his reign of terror was finally twarthed when Longshanks spared no man (except himself) and intelligently turned William's old friends against him. But William managed a cowardly escape while his troops were massacred. This wasn't over yet. He came back and killed his old friends, one by one; soldiers of Longshanks could do nothing to stop his bloodlust, but a caring diseased old person managed to inform the authorities and William was arrested before he could cause anymore else harm.
Longshanks, of course, tried to be merciful, but William kept testing his patience. Longshanks decided to have him killed, but gave him one last chance by asking him to "Please, stop this. And bow before me. Here I'll help you." William didn't refuse, he just screamed "FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOM!!!". That surely wasn't an answer. Longshanks pitied him, for he was clearly mad, and put him out of his misery. Then the movie proceeds to picture the fall of Longshanks's empire, when Bruce, one of William's brainwashed kids, led another band of maddogs to kill many other filthy pommies.
Claims of anti-britishness
The movie suffered many accusations of anti-britishness. For example, people claim that the scenes where English people appeared, they were purposely portraited as cruel for no reason at all. Director George Washington XX claims that "The Limeys in the movie are a allegory, referring to the forces of Judaism. In his fight against the evil Brits, Wallace is an allegory to the fight we all must endure against the evil Jew within ourselves.". A Scottish man claims that George Washington XX is a dumbass and that William didn't fight the british because he was a british, since he lived in the island of Great Britain, but he agrees that "The movie ish overly american.".
- William Wallace: "They make take our lives but they will never take... our ghosts. Which will haunt them a lot! Oh, aye. Scottish ghosts can be quite annoying."
- William Wallace: "Throw this Jew out of the window!"
- Robert the Bruce: "Hoots, mon!"
- King Edward Longshanks: "I am not a King, I am an old man!"
The sound track for this move was, "Take me in your arse" and "You are my Braveheart" by the Children of Bodom. Also inlcuded were Mel Gibson's Scottish Nazi Favourties. They also threw in the Leathal Weapon soundtrack at Gibson's request.
- Wallace claims to be a Scot in the film, yet his accent suggests he is an Australian making a mangled attempt to sound Scottish.
- When Wallace is being tortured at the end by the English, Gibson's "Third Reich 4 Life" tattoo is clearly visible.
- Edward Longshanks is described in on-screen text as "England's baby-eating Jewish King" yet there is no historical evidence he was jewish.
- The history is suspect. In the scene where Longshanks takes his army into battle this is infact untrue. He actually defeated the entire Scottish Army single handed.