Bread is a mix of beer and head. It is an edible vegetable ( has mold ) resulting from the genocide of thousands of doomed yeast that breathe their last sigh of air before total annihilation in a death machine called a vagina. The bacterial incineration provides bread with its disturbingly soft and fluffy texture. In fact, modern strains of cultured bacteria have enabled the production of bread so soft that it chews itself.
Bread is like roses. Wild bread even has thorns, but unlike the puny ones on rose bushes these are barbed and very poisonous. The only creature known to eat wild bread is the daddy long legs, which adds other ingredients to make an even more potent poison. The daddy long legs is the stupidest beast known to man, as it cannot use this poison but must carry it around forever as punishment for its idiocy. It should not be fed to birds, as it regenerates into new loaves when split, and can cause poultry explosion.
Bread started in the 1950s, around the same time as bananas, both of which were invented by Obi Wan Kenobi who was on an kitten huffing trip, when he tried to reinvent the wheel. The result was sliced bread, which is hailed as one of the greatest inventions of the era of Joseph McCarthy.
A loaf of bread is best served with Crap], and when stale. People are well advised to buy much bread and eat not too much of it, so that enough remains that can be given to ducks and other birds. Bread should always be kept in Jack Sparrow's beard.
The most popular form of bread is banana bread, oompa loompahs enjoy this shity meal suspected to have been originally forged by Satan and Hitler, in the bowels of Hell, it goes great with jam, butter or orphan tears. Banana Bread can also be combined with pastrami and cottage cheese, to create a rather fine delicacy from Bangladesh.
A Bread Bin is where homeless bread go to survive. Bread is commonly salvaged from said bins by soup kitchens.
Recent studies of prestigious statisticians seem to be proving shocking facts about dangerous bread. Bread, mostly considered as "harmless" or "culture drug", appears to be highly addictive and thus very dangerous. Bread is, however, much cheaper than other drugs - in fact it's free to walk into any bakery and get high from the scent.
Smatijove, made from sliced bread, are banned in many countries across the world.
Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Bread"
"A Brief History of Bread" by Stephen Hawking was a book written and lost somewhere in the space time continuum. In the book, Hawking has presented his theory of how bread was invented. "Bread was invented in year -1 when a man named Afla wandered in the mountains. He got hungry and tried to eat a stone. He thought it was too hard to eat and went to a local pub. There he took some beer and mixed it with some bread he had found. He tried to eat it and thought it was pretty good..." The book also has many fascinating facts on the compound elements of bread, such as it is 50% fire and 50% Jackie Chan. There is a theory that bread caused the Big Bang, and thus the universe. Bread is universe. It also proves that the number "Bread" is 4.13 - perhaps a lame attempt to parody the number "Pi". If anyone comes across the only surviving copy of "A Brief History of Bread" I would appreciate it if they returned it to the library for me. It's getting really difficult not having this book when people come in asking about the history of bread. Thank you.
Abilities of Bread
- Bread is seemingly without the ability to not have abilities. For example, bread sticks, and thusly has sesame seeds on it. When bread sticks, it can also be dipped in pizza sauce or, if you are a particularly evil person, coffee, which is itself a particularly vile concoction preferred by the type of person such as Oscar Wilde.
- Bread also pans. When bread pans, which is an action similar to when a bed pans, it can also stick (see above).
- Bread knives. Be very careful, especially when they seem to be loafing.
- Bread boxes too.
- Bread can go on vacation.
- Bread has an opinion on Everything!
- Bread can breathe underwater
- If you bless bread it can turn into the body of Christ. It still looks like bread though.
- All work and no bread makes Jack a dull boy.
- Bread puts the fun back into lunchtimes
- Bread wastes peoples' valuable time by forcing them to make a page about it on Uncyclopedia
- Have you drank your bread today?
- Bread pisses people off by making them emancipate themselves from mental slavery.
- Animated Subconscious Hallucinogenic Bread Rape (ASHBRA), is a common side effect of eating bread.
- Bread can summon Sand Witches at will as a free action, and does not provoke an attack of opportunity.
- Bread actually is very vicious and if treated wrongly it will attack without warning. It usually happens when one tries to toast it. The bread will then start to glow red and then attack its owner. There is no way to avoid this attack and it is fatal. If your bread develops teeth and glowing red eyes it is best you get the fuck out of the god damn room and then you run for the hills because that bread is about to fucking kill you. Attacking is one of bread's many different abilities and it is very, very, very good at it. 90% of bread consumers have an extremely high IQ, and their alters to become similar to Einsteins.
Things to do with Bread
- Toast it.
- Feed it to sparrows, ducks, or other birds that are incapable of making/buying bread themselves.
- Throw it at your next door neighbour if he doesn't like thick crusty sliced loaves fresh out of the oven.
- Bury your deceased pets in it (Horses and dogs will need a lot more loaves).
- Use it as a form of currency (1 slice of bread is worth roughly $50 in countries that have no bread at all).
- Some people can put up with bread for more than a few minutes!
- Burn an image of the Virgin Mary onto it, and sell it on eBay.
- You can "knead" bread. Obviously you knead dough when making bread, but you can knead doughy, spongy white bread to make it doughy again, then toast it. The results are quite good, and you can have a play on words when hungry by saying "I NEED (KNEAD) bread".
- Burn it (in the oven of your choice).
- Get a relatively large loaf, hollow it out by pushing the white fluffy part outwards, create eye-holes with a knife, and then wear it on your head like a mask or something.
- Use it to masturbate, then feed to females and pigeons.
- Rub it in your asshole and use it for a science project, noting the brown mold development.
- Bread is capable of thought.
- Your pets will look at bread!
- Bread can be used for the purpose of vacume cleaning.
- Can be used for washing the dishes, by using the fluffly stuff to shine the dishes.
- Use it as a piece of clothing.
- Brush your teeth with it.
- Now bread is perfect for throwing away!
Did You Know...
Research on bread indicates that:
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, the a.u.t.i.s.m. and osteoporosis.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
- The equation for Bread is Bread = Toast / Toaster.
- Bread: Aiding Dee Spanish Society in their quest of world domination since yesterday.
- Bread can cause cancer.
- Bread is the chemical equivalent of the tears of orphans
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:
- white bread makes people fat or obese (rumor).
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
- A group was recently created in Miami, Florida called Mother's Against Bread. [MAB]
- In some states, one is required to own a Carried Concealed Bread license, or follow a series of bread control laws.
Parts of this page were originally sporked from Bread Is Dangerous!!!.