Brian Welch

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Bяian "Jesus Khяist" Welch, whose addiction to sunflower seeds has left him since becoming the savior

Bяian Phillip Welch (born June 19, 1970), better known as Head, is an American musician best known as the former guitarist and co-founder of the nu metal band Korn, in which he quit in 2005 to become Jesus Khяist. It is expected he will be crucified sometime near the year 2012 and be resurrected to lead the believers of Christianity to the New Heaven and the New Earth, then return to Earth on a white horse to carry out Armageddon.


Welch was born in Bakersfield, California, to a carpenter who impregnated his wife with a turkey baster (to ensure her virginity). His parents cut off the foreskin of his penis with a guitar string, which some fans of Corn find prophetic. In high school, Welch met the members of what became Corn.

The Corn Years[edit]

While in Corn, Welch made a lot of money and ate a lot of sunflower seeds. In fact, Welch's affinity for sunflower seeds soon became an addiction that controlled much of his life during his time with the band. "Some days all I can remember is playing the guitar and sunflower seeds," Welch told The Rolling Stones. "The women were crazy about them too. Too many times I almost overdosed on them. Sometimes I didn't know if I was eating seeds or they were eating me."

Welch says ultimately his addictions left him empty and forced him to quit the band. "Somewhere between the seeds and large corn portions I was not able to become Jesus Christ."

The Jesus Years[edit]

Bяian "Jesus Khяist" Welch and his baptism in Israel in 2005

In 2007, Welch began his career U.S. government crucify me on the Capitol sometime after my solo career becomes either too powerful or too unbearable," Welch told the Los Angeles radio station Krock. "If this whole Jesus thing doesn't work out, I think I might start planting corn again. But if it does, it would be cool to be crucified on The Mall."

The White House did not return comments seeking comment to this statement. A spokesman for Homeland Security said no one has ever predicted the government will punish, much less crucify, any citizen for a crime yet to be committed. The spokesman also said the predicted crime is difficult to determine, and the government does not determine what music is tolerated by society unless it violates the Federal Communication Commission's indecency standards. "The worst we would do to him is lock him in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but we stopped crucifying terrorists in 2006 after Congress passed the Military Commissions Act. ...your an ass

The Road to Heaven and the Jesus Ship[edit]

On Welch's album "It's Time to See Religions Die," he writes in the liner notes: "Those who believe in me shall not perish, but fly into outerspace on a ship guided by my blood. Drinketh of my blood, which tastes a lot like Kool Aid."