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For other funny uses, see Bridge (disambiguation).

A very, very long time ago, two guys were wading across a rapid river (just like they did every day) when one of them got hit by a passing fish. Losing his balance, he got caught in the current and had to swim to shore. He recovered a quarter of a mile down the river.

His friend, looking on, decided that "something had to be done."


The one who made it across that day was named freak of the year (yes, the same one), and by the end of that year, 1502, he had perfected his model of the world's first bridge, or large apparatus designed for carrying any number of animals, people, or rocket ship parts across a river or other hard-to-traverse thing. Unfortunately, 1502, as we all know, was the year of the dildoes when the dillrods rained from the skies. Much sucking and ramming followed and of course by 1503 his anus was so ripped apart that he took a year break to apply 2000 pints of K-Y jelly per day. Fortunately when he bounced back, the potassium in the lube had absorbed into his bloodstream and thus into his brain. He then had the mind power of Einstein multiplied by Chuck Norris while drinking Dr Pepper times a billion. Alas, it was at this time that he chose to go bungee jumping. Daffy Duck then travelled back in time, cut the rope and killed the greatest brain this world has ever known. His friend then collected his splattered semen, made a clone and his best buddy was back. He was as stupid as yo mama again (yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up) but that's the price you pay for fucking with Daffy Duck. He got back to his bridge building (we need to remind ourselves that this was even more frowned upon back then than jerking off on a plane today and making a sperm bomb). When he tried to apply the same principles to a full-scale construction he found that cardboard just wasn't enough to support people. It would be three long years and many nights spend drying off wet clothes before someone suggested to try it again with wood instead.

And so Thomas set out trying to build a girl out of wood and chewing gum.( the perv) With the help of three friends of his, it only took two weeks to build a bridge that spanned an three-foot-wide river. When they had finished it, they stared at their creation and demanded Thomas explain to them why they had wasted two weeks of their lives building something to cross a river they could cross on their own.

However, he grew old and he withered at his advanced age. Eventually his penis fell off. This articleis meant to be (vaguely) about bridges, but it's more like something written by Terry Wogan.

The creator of the bridge was the Arab Janitor, from the Twelfth Night poem by William Shakespeare, Sherif Hassan, who is currently attending a school in Auckland, New Zealand, working as a janitor.


Species of Bridge[edit]

Bridge in Minnesota (Ponti Minnesotus)[edit]

Bridges in Minnesota are like most other bridges, but they have the habit of falling down spectacularly, especially when politicians happen to be looking.

Bridge to Nowhere (Ponti Sarahpalinisis)[edit]

This species of bridge has been cropping up in various rural or wilderness areas, particularly in Alaska. It is known for being outlandishly expensive. It is also known for its inability to locate where traffic jams would hurt its back (oy! the pain!)

Suicide Bridge (Ponti Anherosus)[edit]

Suicide Bridges emit pheromones, like the Lorelei, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton, that lure the victims to their roadway and induce them to jump over the bridges' edge. The bridges then catch their prey and devour them for structural support.

Bridge to the 21st Century (Ponti Twentyfirsti)[edit]

This is an extinct species of bridge. It was a common kind of bridge back in the 1990s, and it had the habit of looking ahead to the future and imagining all sorts of things. Unfortunately, the 21st century made it extinct by suddenly appearing, although people argue whether this was in 2000 or 2001.