“This is a city?”
“It's a great place for working families.”
“Let them eat cake.”
“Worse than America.”
Brisbane (Better-then-Sydney), also known as Brisvegas, Brisneyland, Pigsbane, Pigsvegas or BrisBONE by people from other states, is the city that is famous for being the only place in the world where Graham Barker started his record-breaking navel fluff collection. It is a massive hole in the ground that was filled with Vegemite by the founder of the new city, Alexandra Hills, located in the south-east of the Australian state of Queensland. The birthplace of Geoff 'Horsegrower' Whiting and V Voivode (sexiest vampire of the century), it is also the capital of Queensland, owing to the large numbers of nightclubs, strip clubs and brothels in the CBD. Being one of the more redneck cities in Australia, as drinking, partying, shopping and tanning reign supreme over activities popular in Melbourne or Sydney such as working hard, reading newspapers and generally being boring office people.
The state is one of the country's largest and its vast area is needed to accommodate vast numbers of marijuana crops and Louis Vuitton factories. Administration of such a vast state from a capital located a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away has proved to be difficult for the Premier, The Honourable Ms Pirate Pete & Captain Bligh, however she has so far persevered even against the evil efforts of Donald Sutherland as played by Peter Beattie. Brisbane has been known as the sleepy little town; this is true, because Brisbane is so bloody boring, the highlight of your visit will be sleeping. Brisbane will always continue to argue that they are better than Melbourne and Sydney, but really, Aboriginal shacks are better than Brisbane's shitty city. Although it is admitted, that aboriginal shacks were built by Brisbane residents and are far superior to the caves and dirt/leaf homes (or piles of dirt as known by many) that existed beforehand. Brisbanezes will also argue that their population will overtake both Melbourne and Sydney's population. This time they are true, they will overtake both cities with an increase of BOGANS.
Brisbane is also right next to the world's bogan capitals, Ipswich(which is overflowing with bogans, and sending them to Brisbane), but retaining walls are being built to try to keep the brivity-bruv bogans out.
Humble Vampiric Beginnings
The first known inhabitants of Brisbane were the Reverse Vampires who settled in the mangrove wetlands way back when Moses was playing fullback for the Arabs. The origins of the Reverse Vampires are unknown but it is presumed they came from Purdue University. The first Reverse Vampire colonies were centred around the Nudgee area and slowly moved along the river bank, stretching as far west as Indooroopilly and as far south as the Bogan Hyperdome. These settlements thrived for several decades but suffered an as-yet-unexplained and rapid decline around the year AD 1986. The only remaining indications of the Reverse Vampires civilisation are the eighteen large pyramids that dot the Brisbane skyline.
The City of Gold
Franciscan pirates started using the old reverse vampire settlements as hideouts around the turn of the third century. Foremost among these was Bluebeard and Captain Kangaroo, whose epic voyages were recorded by the North American artist Bryan Adams in his ballad The Summer of '69. So much gold was stashed in the mangrove swamps that it became impossible to hide, and Brisbane became known to the pirate population as "the city of gold". Pirates from all over the globe began flocking to Brisbane and with them came their whores and wooden leg manufacturers. For nearly sixteen centuries Brisbane remained primarily a pirate town which was a major boon for the emerging parrot industries of the Dutch East Indies. For this reason, Brisbane has developed into a highly yuppie city that has developed the largest superiority complex in the country. This is further evident when visiting the Queen Street Mall on any weekday and seeing the number of women with designer handbags and heels strutting along and men in Armani suits and designer briefcases. Bongs are most likely contained in the hand luggage, and Brisbanites love their pot.
The Brisbane River was first used as a trade route so Asians and Indians could be smuggled across the border in crates. The mayor Campbell Newman and his "can do" team later decided that it was best used to transport sewage. Now the Brisbane River is full of everything but water, making it everything but a river. This decision by Campbell Newman has caused outrage among the yuppie bastards in their wake boats who still continue to wake board in the shitty mess. Campbell Newman later stated "Screw the yuppies, they'll be extinct soon, anyway." This was then followed by Campbell Newman's plans to introduce bull sharks into the Brisbane River, but this proved to be an unforgiving terrain for the unfortunate sharks who went belly-up. Nowadays it is common to see dead horses and cigar fish floating down the river and it is a urine colour. It is seen as a worthy and heroic act for anyone brave enough to drink a cup of water from the Brisbane River. $5 is the usual prize.
The Battle of Brisbane
See main article: The battle of Brisbane
The Pirate Exodus
The task ahead of the pirates - to rebuild their pirate city - proved too great a task and, one by one, their great ships were filled to the decks with pirates, and their whores saddened to be leaving their ancestral homeland but eager to face the challenges ahead. By late October 1935, the last of the pirates had sailed away, leaving behind the broken ruins of this once great city.
A New Beginning
In 1945 Nazi war criminals fleeing prosecution followed in the pirates' footsteps and began using the mangrove swamps as hideouts. Fearful of being found out they quickly outlawed all goose-stepping and invented the barbeque as a means of de-Germanifying themselves.
Their inherent German-ness was however a very hard thing to hide and very quickly they began building boxy but nice automobiles, running fish and chip shops and drinking large quantities of beer. Automobile production declined with the introduction of rugby league by Jesuit missionaries; however, the Brisbane affinity with beer has continued to this day.
A resolution was passed by the missionaries to rebuild the city, a painstakingly slow process that took over eight days to complete. When the work was done the people spoke to their god and He saideth unto them "Race ye thou Monaros from here to Ipswich and back and know that I love youse". These words became the city's motto and is printed on the back of all Gold Lotto tickets sold in Brisbane.
The Brisbane of Today, Tomorrow and the Future
Modern Brisbane is a mixture of German and Jesuit influences that idealises the Pirate way. Swashbuckling in general is frowned upon, however the carrying of a small bird on your shoulder is considered essential in good company. The city council has embarked upon an ambitious mental health program that is expected to result in substantially fewer incidents of paranoia by the year 2046, however this initiative is viewed suspiciously by the greater populace.Brisbane has been involved in a gang war similar to that stupid war in melbourne. the gangs involved are the Np crime Family and the Manly boys.
Many residents have invisible pirate friends named "Hook", "Stinky Bob" or "Matthew". If a resident fails to have an invisible friend of his or her own, it can only mean one thing.... They are lonely. The Dread Pirate Roberts is also suspected to reside here.
Things to DO
- Sing "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. Every person in your immediate vicinity will join in with you.
- Visit Queen Street and it's grandiose mountains of cigarette butts and Gothic culture.
- Watch the emos outside of Rocking Horse (recently migrated from Hungry Jack's) -hours of fun
- Maybe even get recruited to Marist for sport
- You could also enjoy the experience of being stabbed in Sunnybank, on the train to Gaythorne, or anywhere in the Valley.
- Just be glad you're not in Alice Springs.
- Deep fry some cane toads in XXXX - a Brisbane delicacy since 1935.
WARNING Do Not, and I Repeat do not, criticize this city what so ever to any of the locals when you visit....
"Waterfront place", a forty story building in the city was once used by the local aboriginal tribes as a look out to spot invading Fijian warships in Moreton Bay. They would then signal warriors using primitive means such as dial-up. They were finally over-run however by a conglomerate of accountants and lawyers who to this day inhabit the building.