Britannia Mafia

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Britannia Mafia
The Title Card For the Show
Type Crime
Creator James May
Starring James May
Huw Ceredig
Billie Piper
Gary Glitter
Dawn French
TV Station BBC 1
Running Length 60 Minutes
Theme Tune Take on Me by Ah-Ha
No. of episodes 6
No. Series 1
Country of Origin UK

Britannia Mafia is the first television series based on the very popular and feared mafia in Britain. The shows creator and lead actor is well known rebel James May. The show airs on BBC 1 as the show is deemed too mainstream for BBC 2 and to unsuitable for the imature audience of BBC 3, on which rival show CSI: Swansea airs. A second series is now being filmed.

Dai 'The Pie' Llewelyn: Young rising star of the Britannia Maffia.


The show was originally going to be aired on Channel 4, but they decided another 'pathetic' series of Big Brother was required so this took the budget up so James May took the proposition to the BBC who decided to dump the show after the news on friday nights before Jonathan Ross bores the nation with his anecdotes. The show attracts mainly Top Gear presenters in guest roles due to May's 'connections'. In a way to keep the budget down May was told by the BBC to only hire actors and actresses from the BBC, with a little bit of cash left over for a few guest stars from season to season.


Because James May dresses and mentally lives in the 1970's, the series itself is set within said period. The series is apprently set then because of all the corruption in the police force. The mafia element also shows the violence within the public and the force during that period. Commenting on why he set the series in the 1970's, May said "I wanted to be able to swear, be racist and beat the cock out of people every week on the show. If the show was set in the modern day then that would be impossible as everyone is far too PC. So when I told the BBC that I wanted the show to be set in the seventies so that I could swear etc, they said why not!". The series deals with the ongoing story of James May's character - whose name escapes me - who is an ex-police officer who was sacked because he was corrupt. His character is now the head of the Britania Mafia who go around 1970's Britain causing as much trouble as possible, while there is a sub-story of the corruption within the force, which May's character often uses as a way to evade prison within the show. Overall the BBC press release described the series as "Life On Mars goes on a dinner date with the BNP while the team from CSI watch from another table..."

Theme Tune[edit]

The show has a very distinct theme tune, creator James May said of the theme tune what it represents:

Cquote1.png What me and the producers wanted was a theme tune to capture the public's imagination about the show, we soon discovered Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson was too expensive so we went with Take on Me by Ah-Ha. Cquote2.png

The shows closing theme is one sung by May and his gang in a similar way to the song that Michael Caine and his gang sing at the end of the Italian Job. The only difference between the two are that the words are completely different. For the closing theme the song is sung to the tune of "Rule Britannia" and goes along the lines of:

  • Britannia Mafia!
  • Britannia Mafia want to rule the waves
  • They want the rest of Britain to become their slaves...etc etc.


Britannia Mafia[edit]

  • James May as Johnny 'The Hook' Kenneth Higginbottom (1x01 - Present) - A twenty-something (cough cough!) stereotypical motorbike rebel and grand overlord of the London maffia. Higgenbottom is an ex-police officer who left after they discovered he was corrupt, and locked him away in prison as a result. He however maintains that he left because the force was becomming too PC. Johnny is known for arse-raping victims with his long, curvy hook and when trying to evade Police capture he disguises himself as a white masked tamed racing driver. James May was chosen for the role for two main reasons. The first being that he was tipped to take over the main role on rival show CSI:Swansea from Lee Evan's but the bastards that produce that show decided to cast Vic Reeves instead. Secondly; everyone knows he has racist tendencies and his hatred of cockney rhyming slang so the producers decided that May's character would be based in the most multicultural city in Europe.
    Johnny 'The Hook' Higginbottom: Don't mess with him he doesn't like disrespect.
  • Huw Ceredig as Dai 'The Pie' Llewelyn (1x01 - Present) - The only Non-English speaker of the Maffia, the producers ran out of budget at the choice for this role so they turned to Wales and got one of it's best young rising actors. Dai is known to like pies to due his size. Is a pimp on the side of his maffia duties.
  • Dawn French as 'Some manwoman the maffia hired to do the Finances' (1x01 - Present) - Her name is never revealed throughout the show as with her/his gender. The maffia nicknamed her 'Boar the Whore' due to grotesque appearance and size. She somehow ends up with the maffia on it's quests.
  • Jonathan Ross as Buck 'The Duck' Buckowski (2x03 - Present) - The latest member of the maffia, he is American but not overweight, he likes the Carry On Films and Eastenders, he frequently likes to insult people on their answering machines. Has his own chat show after Britannia Mafia airs.
  • Ben Clarke as Earl Hacker (1x01 - Present) - The Mafia's hacker who can hack any computer, bank vault, telephone etc. he is an ex-pickpocket who was kicked out of Sandhurst military academy after he hacked a government computer and almost caused world war three. He is now part of the team and is used whenever they need to break into something. He is in a relationship with a women called Kate and when asked something he always responds with the line "I went to Sandhurst" at which the mafia laugh at. His common weapon of choice is a bit of two-by-four, which he claims is the same size as his penis. Ben Clarke landed the role after James May saw his "brilliant performance" on the BBC show The Apprentice.
  • Madison Welch as Busty Sinclair (1x01 - Present) - Higgenbottoms page three glamour model girlfriend, she is often nicknamed "Huge tits, tight arse" by the gang. She comes across as thick on many occasions, but is actually quite clever as she knows all the ins and outs of the female genital region. Her interests include flower arranging, sex and making things pretty.

The Valentino Family[edit]

  • Ronnie Corbett as Antonio Valentino: Higgenbottom's close friend and mentor, he is the father of the family. He is small but sits in a really high back leather chair. He cracks stupid jokes from time to time to break up the action and has been likened by the mafia to "The Godfather".
  • Sue Johnston as Katrina Valentino: Antonio Valentino's wife....yeah that's about it!
  • Trevor Eve as Bob "Bobby" Valentino: The eldest son of Antonio. Swears a lot and is described as a bit rough around the edges. Likes to shout and beat people up.
  • Theo Paphitis as Marcus Valentino: The second eldest son of Antonio. Spent several years in prison for shoplifting a biro pen. He is to inherit his dad's empire when he dies, but he refuges to invest his childrens inheritance on silly things. When he is not committing crimes he is the managing director of push-up bra company.
  • Tamzin Outhwaite as Anya Valentino: Antonio's only daughter. She runs a chain of hotels that her father stole from the company TravelLodge.
  • Unknown as Debbie "Mrs V" Valentino: The wife of Marcus. Never been seen on screen although the viewer often hears her voice. She is referenced many times by her husband as "Mrs V". Apart from this little else is known about her. Rumour has it she spends most of her time in the kitchen.

The Telford Ten[edit]

A rival gang from Telford, which is made up of eleven members as the people from there cannot count. Each member is named after a number:

  • Keith Allan as Number One: The leader of the gang.
  • Julie Graham as Number Two: Female, girlfriend of Number One.
  • Unknown as Number Three: A four year old kid, who is sleeping with his dad's girlfriend.
  • Richard Armitage as Number Four: The fourth member of the gang.
  • Adrian Lester as Number Five: Likes meals out and long walks in the country before he puts a cap in his victims ass.
  • Nigel Harmen/Dennis Rickman as Number Six: Was expelled from school because he set fire to it so there was no school to go to, lives with his pet fish, his parents left before he was born.
  • Lauren Crace as Number Seven: Female. Named Number Seven as she has had seven previous sexual partners.
  • Claire Goose as Number Eight: Once tried to rape herself, not really that clever but somehow has a boyfriend.
  • Bruce Forsyth as Number Nine: Looks like they have been hit in the chin with a brick because they have been hit in the chin with a brick.
  • Unknown as Number Ten: The only gang member whose real name has been mentioned. He first name is Ben as he is Number ten because it rhymes. Ironically he is also ten years old.
  • Unknown as The One That Tags Along: The one who wants to be part of the gnag and makes out they are hard when they are not. This person makes up the eleventh member of the gang.

Americana Gang[edit]

Another gang from New York who are also against the Britannia Mafia. It is made up of three members. The gang will appear in series two:

  • Tom Cruise as That One Guy who Stares at people with an Eye patch (2x01 - Present) He is an 'old fucking pirate' (described to that by Dai) who has sailed the seas for years and years. One day during the ages of World War Two, he was still amazingly young and still wore an eye patch (because you KNOW it looks awesome), however, his eye was cut out by nazis when he tried to plunder a Japanese battleship by throwing his own eye at it, so he can actually say his eye was cut out and that's why he wore an eye patch instead of having to lie.
  • Barry off Eastenders as Ronald Witherspoon (2x01 - Present) Pushed his scheming wife off a cliff at Yellowstone, the producers wanted an American actor but thought no let's go for that guy who used to be on Eastenders oh what's his name? William Shaunson oh forget it Barry of Eastenders.
  • Rowan Atkinson as Mr Bean Blackadder (2x01 - Present) The comic relief character of the show as he is a complete blithering idiot. He is the latest in the long running Blackadder family. He lost all his fortune which has resulted in him living in a crappy bedsit. He also seems to be suffering from depression and had to trade in his Audi Quattro for a lime green Mini.

Triads (Recurring Roles)[edit]

  • Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li (1x06, 1x10, 2x01, 2x02 and 2x06-Present) - The Triad leader, the Britannia Mafia's biggest rival. Ching Chong has a sister called Ting Tong who appears in sketch show Little Britain.
  • Gordon Ramsay as Ping Ling Do (2x06-Present) - Ching Chongs main henchman only appears later on series two. Says lots of angry words at enemies in Chinese, some people say that these are swear words.

Sleeping With The Fishes[edit]

  • Gary Glitter as Jeremy 'The Rod' Sweeney (1x01 - 2x02) - A former sex offender, Johnny offers him a job with his mafia as Jeremy knows how to use his gun but in the incorrect places. He like to kill his victims by using his long, thick, hard rod to tear up victims.

The Rozzers/The Neapolitan Police[edit]

  • Philip Glenister as Superintendant Harry Cox - The head of the Neapolitan police who is trying to stop all the corruption etc etc. His common lines included "Drop it! You are surrounded by armed fuckers!" and "I wouldn't mind giving her a going over with the old feather duster". He drives a caprigear and wears a long trench coat with the buttons missing. He always carries 24 hipflasks on him. One for every hour of the day. Glenister was cast in the role because he lives and works in a 1970's timewarp for the BBC.
  • James Nesbitt as DCI Somethingorother - Not sure on his identity, the DCI once hit is head on his kitchen worktop and he woke up thinking he was one man but he actually has a hidden side to him that can emerge at times. He comes across slightly camp at times and appears to have Bipolar Disorder which causes his personality to shift from good to evil. When he is being evil he has to keep himself away from his family and work colleagues by holding up in a run down flat.
  • Ross Kemp as DI Grant "Shiny Head" Shiner - The second in command blow Philip Glenister's character. He enjoys making documentaries in his spare time. His family owns an eastend pub called The Red Lion in which he helps out either when he cannot be arsed to work or when he is not working. He is built like a brick shit and anyone who gets on the wrong side of him is blinded by his shiny head.
  • Rupert Penry Jones as Detective Barry Scrotes - The detective assigned to the department that is out to catch the Britannia Mafia. Scrotes gets the mickey taken out of him because of his surname but in actuality he is very clever and is a pro at the card game Old Maid. He can down a pint using his leg and calculate the stopping distance of his police car when he is not even in it. he shares a flat with DI Shiner.
  • Lee Evans as Constable Stacey Wiliams (1x01 - Present) - His partners always take the mickey out of him due to his surname being Wiliams which is the incorrect spelling. Likes to put whistles in his mouth, his favourite songs are 'Flawless' and 'Club Tropicana'. Oh yeah he is gay by the way. Evan's decided he might like to play the role after he was sacked from rival show CSI:Swansea, the producers of Britannia Mafia agreed.
  • John Prescott as Constable Ken Pavarotti (1x01 - Present) - He is Stacey's massively overweight partner he is homophobic, hates anything to do with Wham! and George Michael, and despises incorrect spellings ideally a perfect double act. Has affairs with attractive women who are self-conscious about themselves and feel equal having sex with a big fat whale huffing and puffing on top of them.

Other Characters[edit]

  • Keeley Hawes as Claire Swann (formally Higgenbottom) - Higgenbottom's first love and ex-wife before he was banged up. She is the mother of Higgenbottom's only child.
  • John Simm as Samuel Taylor - No relation to the character below despite the surname. He is the new lover of Claire Swann. He hates Higgenbottom's style of justice and often tries to work against him.
  • Billie Piper as Roseta Taylor - Higgenbottom's daughters teacher, who is rumoured to have once had an affair with Higgenbottom, although this has never been confirmed.
  • Noel Clarke as Mick Jones - Roseta Taylor's girlfriend who has a giant cock.
  • Melissa Suffield as Lucy Swann - Higgenbottom's daughter whom he rarely sees and should be paying benefits for but isn't.
  • Zoe Tapper as Cheasty LaRoux - Will appear from series three onwards. An ongoing joke will be added to the show in that all the mafia members including Higgenbottom will say "wow i'll tap that!" in reference to actress Zoe's surname.
  • Jonas Armstrong as Robin "Hoodie" Hunter - An orphan in the form of a grown man who robs from the rich and the poor. He will be taken under the wing of Higgenbottom in series three.
  • David Tennant as "The Doc" - A unnamed doctor who is the tenant in one of Higgenbottom's many flats across the UK. Higgenbottom usually comments on the number of women going in and out of his flat who the "doc" calls his "companions".
  • Hugh Dennis as Dennis "The Menace" Anderton - Notorious street criminal known for rummaging through bins and stealing other people's identities. He has been arrested on many occasions but his real good impressions of the monarchy have confused the police so much that they have had to let him go without charges. His most popular crime is a scam involving people paying too much for their car insurance. When Higgenbottom needs information on someone, he goes to Dennis as he always knows "the word on the street".
  • Paterson Joseph as Frederick - Antonio Valentino's car driver. Is rumoured to be a police informant, but isn't.
  • Richard Wilson as Victor Swann - Claire Swann's father. Clearly disapproves of Higgenbottom's former relationship with his daughter. Has a few problems of his own regarding his neighbours and whenever he hears of the crimes the mafia have committed his usual response is "I don't bloody believe it!".
  • Mackenzie Crook as Gareth "The Crook" - The petty crook that Higgenbottom shared a police cell with when inside.
  • Emilia Fox as Sophie Bentford - Claire Swann's best friend. Works in a Safeway supermarket on the checkout. Once got her baps out on the nightshift.
  • Max Beesley as Tom Bentford - Hardman and garage mechanic. Works hard for a living but him and his wife struggle to make ends meet. Took a loan off the Triads and cannot pay it back. His family are constantly targeted as a result. Only realistic character in the whole show, can act rings around everyone else.
  • Holliday Grainger as Holly Bentford - Unsure of herself. She self harms and tries to take her life in nearly every episode. She keeps claiming there is a demon inside her that she needs to get rid of as a result she recently joined a cult.


So far one series of thirteen episodes has aired with another series of six episodes in the pipeline.

Series One - Early 2009[edit]

The first series of the show is set during the year 1971 shortly after Higgenbottom is released from prison.

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
1 The Co-Pilot

(90 Minutes Long Plus Interval)

James May 30th January 2009 Johnny/Jonny Higginbottom is released from prison into a changed 1970’s Britain. After banging his girlfriend and re-recruiting his gang: The Britannia Mafia, he sets about getting revenge on a former gang member who turned him in for a bacon bap. Luckily the man is now a co-pilot for Concorde, a make of plane the gang are also trying to put out of action. Can Higginbottom kill two birds with one stone? Nah he’s going to use a gun and a faulty wing nut!

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as the Co-Pilot

8 Million Viewers
2 The Hooded Claw James May 6th February 2009 A hooded man is posing as Higginbottom and arse raping people with a steel claw. Can the gang track down the man responsible to Hull and deliver some old school British justice, of course they can!

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as The Hooded Man

6.5 Million Viewers
3 Slumpdead Millionaire James May’s Wife 13th February 2009 Strapped for cash the gang head to that rich part of London where all the posh people live and murder a millionaire in an attempt to make some money however when they arrive the bloke is already dead. What will they do now? 4.5 Million Viewers
4 Taffia Caffia James May 20th February 2009 The Taffia (Cardiff Mafia) take over the Britannia's mafia's cafe in Cardiff and they won’t stand for this so they place an import fee on the Severn Bridge of £5.10 to stop supplies getting to the cafe as this price is ridiculous.

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Taffia Leader

8 Million Viewers
5 A Fistful Of Sandwich James May’s Best Friends Boss 27th February 2009 The Britannia Mafia agree to go head-to-head with The Taffia (Cardiff Mafia) in an illegal boxing match to see who is better. Yet when Higginbottom sees who The Taffia has put in the ring, he may have to pack a few punches himself in order to win. The stakes are high and the sandwiches are cold, who will win?

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Taffia Boxer Sammy “The Sandwich”

7.2 Million Viewers
6 Scare the Air James May’s Iraqi Equivalent 6th March 2009 The Mafia decides to expand its operations and attempt a takeover of Glasgow Airport, but things go wrong when Bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda mafia take-over by driving into the terminal building. This allows Johnny to use his hooks to nipple-cripple Bin Liner (an Iraqi terrorist). 4 Million Viewers
7 François Passage James May’s Cheese Eating Uncle 13th March 2009 The mafia blows up the Eurostar as Johnny is sick of the influx of illegal immigrants.

Guest Appearance of Bernard Manning in a coffin with the words BNP scrawled over it.

6.7 Million Viewers + The BNP but not UKIP (they like the Blacks but hate the French)
8 Round the Bend James May 20th March 2009 Stacey and Ken discover that the unlicensed, untaxed, uninsured armoured truck in front of them is speeding so they end up chasing it around the one way system in Central London.

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Angry Congestion Charge Payer.

9.2 Million Viewers
9 A Bird In The Flat James May & John Leslie 27th March 2009 Higginbottom discovers a new Vietnamese girl has moved in to the flat next door to the Mafia’s Mission HQ which may compromise operations, so he decides to get inside her and investigate... 5.1 Million Viewers
10 You’d Butter Believe It James May & Tom Jones 3rd April 2009 Jeremy complains that he is not getting full satisfaction during sex, so Higginbottom allows the mafia to break into every Safeway supermarket in the UK and steal the butter which Buck can use as lube. At the same time it will also annoy the Triad Leader who has invested a lot of money in Safeway and Butter.

Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li

3.5 Million Viewers
11 Exhausted James May, Liz Windsor & Someone Else 10th April 2009 Higginbottom wants to get back at the Neapolitan Police after they give the Mafia’s van a parking ticket so he deliberately steals fifty cars and parks them on double yellows. Will the police see red? 7.45 Million Viewers
12 Curvy Hook, Line & Sinker James May 17th April 2009 While making out with Busty, Higginbottom comes up with a plan to cut the towns power by severing the lines. In addition he thinks it may be a good idea to take out the cities plumbing at the same time. With a grate plan in store Higginbottom will need all his underworld connections to pull this off before the idea goes down the drain. 4.0 Million Viewers
13 Road Kill – Part One James May Dressed Up As Liz Windsor 24th April 2009 Jeremy meets the boss who is annoyed with him, and Johnny disowns him after the incident next door to Mission HQ, and Jeremy walks down the street and is taken hostage by the Ching-Chong Mafia will he live or die? (You'll have to wait till the next series).

Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li.

14.8 Million Viewers (The increase of viewers was due to the media stating that Gary Glitter would die in this episode).

Series Two - Late 2009[edit]

A second series will air in September 2009 where it will be revealed whether Jeremy is dead or alive or caught with his trousers down, and a new member is in the mafia. As with the first series, this second one and the following christmas special are set during the year 1971.

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
14 Road Kill – Part Two James May Dressed Up As Liz Windsor 4th September 2009 Ching Chong Li tortures Jeremy by forcing him to watch legal age porn, which makes his cock fall off. All this while the mafia attempt to track him down.

Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond Ching Chong Li

10,000,000 Viewers
15 Road Kill – Part Three James May Dressed Up As Liz Windsor 11th September 2009 Jeremy tries to escape but Ching Chong Li decides Jeremy's time is up and uses his face as a dart board. While the mafia party when the news of his death is announced.

Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li

Last Appearance of Jeremy Sweeney

9,999,999 Viewers
16 Man U R Dead Alex Ferguson Held At Gunpoint By James May 18th September 2009 The mafia travel to Manchester to disrupt the game between United and City so that Dai can pickpocket spectators.

Guest Appearances of George Best as man at the bar and Jeremy Clarkson as Complaining City Fan.

First Appearance of Buck Buckowski

4.6 Million Viewers
17 Cop Shop James May’s Only Friend 25th September 2009 Ken and Stacey take Dai Llewellyn into custody due to his connection in a robbery of a Cornish Pasty in Kent but only Stacey can understand Welsh as his Welsh grandmother made him play the piano singing Welsh songs and if he got a word wrong she would hit him with a dirty stick. Will he be able to translate the interrogation?

Guest Appearance of Anne Robinson as Stacey's Welsh grandmother in a frightening flashback.

4.2 Million Viewers
18 The Views A Bit Plane James May While Watching Porn 2nd October 2009 The mafia take their dealings to Dublin where they attempt to destroy the airline British Airways as they lost Johnny's stamp collection which was in his luggage. Yet when the mafia get to Dublin they soon realise that BA are actually based in London!

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as a Female Flight Attendant.

88.9 Million Viewers
19 Mum's Bun's Are Yum James May While Eating A Sandwich 9th October 2009 The mafia take over a bakery in Edinburgh but a problem arises when Triads come in for their weekly loaf of bread and realises that Juliet McPherson isn't serving them.

Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li and Gordon Ramsay as Ping Ling Do. Million Viewers
20 Schiezen Hole James May While On The Toilet]] 16th October 2009 The mafia take revenge on a German sewer worker in Oxford after he did a dodgy job on Buck Buckowski toilet causing it to wobble when someone went to take a dump. Can the mafia fix the problem?

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Sewer Worker

1.25 Billion Viewers
21 Something A Bit Fishy About All This James May & James May 23rd October 2009 Higginbottom gets a phone call from the Telford Ten claiming that they have kidnapped his girlfriend Busty while she was on the regular daily condom run. He is then given a set of instructions to take out the Triads fish and chips businesses, a task he must complete or Busty will be murdered. Higginbottom complies with their demands, but he smells something fishy going on, and it’s not just Busty’s underwear!

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Man in the line in the Chip Shop Million Viewers
22 The Stopover James May 30th October 2009 It’s Halloween and the mafia are attempting to get to Durham to do some trick-or-treating, but after their van breaks down they are forced to stay the night in a creepy B&B in a remote village outside Nottingham. While there they appear to be haunted by Winston Churchill’s “ghost”, scared by this the team call in an exorcist to investigate who deduces that the mafia are being targeted by the Durham Street Elite.

Guest Appearance of Bruce Willis as The guy of the exorcist and Jeremy Clarkson as Winston Churchill

66.6 Million Viewers
23 Finger-ing More Thighs Lisa Lee DarkJames May’s Bit On The Side 6th November 2009 Higginbottom is forced to go it alone and get away from the Rozzers who have found his fingerprints in a young woman’s vagina when it was really Brian May posing as him. Can he clear protect his name and his dignity?

Guest Appearance of Ann Widdecombe as the Young Woman and Frankie Boyle as Wise-Cracking Cop Million Viewers
24 Throw The Dynamite, Duck House And Cover Lisa Lee DarkJames May’s Bit On The Side 13th November 2009 After the mafia's local MP refuses planning permission for their new germ warfare factory, they go to his house and destroy his £2500 duck house with shit loads of dynamite.

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Local MP and Gordon Brown as the twat on the radio

88.7 Million Viewers
25 You Can’t Beat A Bit Of Bully! James May From Inside His Lover 20th November 2009 The mafia has a darts showdown with the triads to see who will win Higginbottom special prize – a speedboat full of drugs.

Recurring Role of Richard Hammond and Gordon Ramsey as Ching Chong Li and Ping Ling Do

1.1 Million Viewers
26 He Couldn’t Hacker This – Part One James May Again 27th November 2009 Higginbottom comes up with a plan to rob a bank on Baker Street and steal the contents of the safe-deposit boxes there, but it requires Earl Hacker to hack the vaults door. With the plan in place Hacker accidentally hacks the into the national defense gird and launches a missile against London, a crime that gets him arrested and leads to a long interrogation. Can he get himself released and warn the mafia before the missile hits?

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Interrogator#1 and Rik Mayall as Interrogator#2.

1 (Million?) Viewer(s)

Series Two Christmas Special[edit]

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
27 He Couldn't Hacker This - Part Two James May 25th December 2009 The mafia's plan for the robbery has to be replanned (which takes a whole bloody long hour) after Earl Hacker is carted off by the rozzers and it all goes wrong right at the last second as Earl is released and tells the mafia that the missile he accidentally fired is heading right for them - forcing you to watch the part two in the next series.

Guest Appearance of Bruce Forsyth as Arrested Pervert and Jeremy Clarkson as an Elvis impersonator.

All Those That Weren't Watching Dr. Bloody Who!

Series Three - Early 2010[edit]

A third series has now been given the green light by James May who is about to put his foot on the gas and make the new series. According to a source close to May (most likely HP Brown Sauce) the third series of the show will be set during the year 1972 moving it on from the first two series.

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
28 Pump Action Pimp James May's Best Friends Aunt 5th March 2010 Higginbottom and the mafia are caught in a shootout during a high-speed car chase after rescuing the Triads pimp from being pumped. Yet when the mafia breaks down on the North York Moors, the gang must pull together for survival.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as a farmer on the North York Moors

29 Sweat N' Blood James May's Best Friends Aunt 12th March 2010 A new gangster shows up on the mafia's patch opening a warehouse as a sweat shop and using kids to make his produce. Wanting their patch back and wanting to free the kids, Higginbottom comes up with a plan to create a plan to take out the warehouse. But will his plan of the plan work?

Guest Appearance by The Stig as the taskmaster

30 One Up The Bum, No Harm Done James May's Friend Chris Finch 19th March 2010 The Mafia hit the town in Manchester having successfully murdered another gang leader. Yet as the mafia get steaming Higginbottom does not notice that the other gang have taken revenge by raping and murdering his page-three model girlfriend. After he wakes up in a skip next to her dead body he vows revenge...

Last Appearance of Busty Sinclair

31 A Dish Best Served Lukewarm James May 26th March 2010 With his girlfriend dead, Higginbottom sets out alone to get revenge on the gang that gang raped and murdered Busty. With the help of the mysterious Cheasty LaRoux he manages to infiltrate the gang and plant a bomb up the members backsides before lowering them into lukewarm kitchen water killing them all.

First Appearance of Cheasty LaRoux

32 Down By The Docs James May's Brain 2nd April 2010 Apparently the plot involves the mafia stealing a consignment of drugs from a gang who are using a doctors surgery as a front for their business.

Guest Appearance by Adrian Edmondson as the drug dealer and Jeremy Clarkson as a doctor

33 American Prankster Ironically this episode is NOT written by James May 9th April 2010 The mafia have just stolen a shit load of cash from a bank and want to make a quick get-away but some pratting yank has slashed their vans tires because the mafia parked in a disabled space. Will they have to go it on foot? Not likely! They'll steal another car!

Guest Appearance by Stephen Fry as the mentally retarded disabled bloke

34 Off The Beaten Track May James 16th April 2010 The mafia arrvies in Weybridge, Surrey where they are challenged by the Brooklands Gang to build the worlds longest working Scalextric circuit. If they succeed they can go on their way if they don't then they have to spend the night in a haunted Lego House.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the failing comedian

35 The Last Lego House On The Left Lisa Lee Dark 23rd April 2010 Having failed their previous challenge from the Brooklands gang, the mafia are forced to stay the night in a haunted Lego house where they appear to be haunted by the spirit of an old Lego man. Scared to their wits end, the mafia are bricking it! Will they last the night?

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the bloke who makes dodgy puns

36 Family Tied James May 30th April 2010 Higginbottom and his wife are shocked to discover that their daughter was picked up by a mysterious man who along with a group of others is holding her to ransom. With no money to pay for her release Higginbottom starts his own printing opperation.

Guest Appearance of Piers Moron as the Daily Mail editor

37 Arrested Development James May 7th May 2010 Higgenbottom is arrested after the rozzers find cocaine in a suitcase that Earl Hacker has been carrying his tech equipment in. Fearing they have been set up by the Telford Ten, Higgenbottom forms a deal with the police: Rescue a cop who has been kidnapped by the Triads and they will let the Mafia go. But the deal will require Jonny to go undercover as a fish sandwich. Can he stomach it?

Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson and Rik Mayall as McDonalds workers

38 The Skies Have Their Limit James Cordon 14th May 2010 The mafia acquire a blimp from somewhere that is never stated on screen. They plan to use the device to drop a hydrogen bomb on the Triads base, but when Higginbottom takes to the skies in the device and it crashes there are fears that he is dead. But is he? And if he is, what now?

Guest Appearances by Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson as the bloke pointing at the balloon and laughing

39 A Nervous Wreck Lisa Lee Dark 21st May 2010 Higgenbottom discovers that his best mate has died from taking a new drug called "Paradeathcimal". In order to get revenge on the bastard that sold it to his mate and stop other people suffering the same fate Higgenbottom puts all other mafia jobs on hold to track down the dealer. They do so and discover that he is on the ship HMS Queen Elizabeth which is docking in Hong KOng Habour. In an attmept to stop the man the mafia set fire to the boat destryong it.

Guest Appearances of Jeremy Clarkson as a crazed drug nut

40 Lock, Stock & Prison Cell - Part One James May's Dog 28th May 2010 The mafia's crimes catch up with them when they are arrested for making bombs for the IRA and aiding the Angry Brigade. Sentenced to life in prison they are carted off in a prison van, how will they get out of this one...

Guest Appearance by John Prescott as the van


Series Four - Late 2010[edit]

A fourth series of thirteen episodes will be made during the spring and the summer to air in late 2010. Series four is expected to pick up from the series three cliffhanger ending. This series will be followed by another christmas special and will end with an episode in which the mafia head abroad and become entangled in the Watergate Scandel. This series will, like the third series before it, be set in 1972.

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
41 Lock, Stock & Prison Cell - Part Two James May Late 2010 Conclusion to the series three cliffhanger. The prison van hangs over the edge of the Thames and the mafia have to get out before it sinks. Higginbottom has an idea of how to do so, but it will take an hour if they are to succeed. Can they get away before the rozzers (the police) show up?

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as bloke selling newspapers from the news stand at the side of the Thames and John Prescott as the Prison Van

42 Born To Run With Gypsy Scum James May Late 2010 The mafia go underground (not literally) for a while to the heat is off them, seeking refuge in a shitty gypsy camp. Yet when the camp attracts the attention of the locals who want their council to remove the gypsies, the Mafia fear that all the attention may blow their cover. Attempting to flee from the camp, the mafia's exit may be hampered by a cute pregnant chick that has stolen Dai 'The Pie' Llewelyn's heart and is about to give birth and the fact that the camp want the help of the mafia to stop them being moved on.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the cute pregnant chick and The Stig as one of the gypsies

43 For Cods Sake! Some Cock Late 2010 The mafia have moved on from the gypsy camp but are still in hiding on a smelly British Trawler which is fishing along with another boat, yet when a joke by the mafia about the people of Iceland is taken the wrong way the gang accidentily cause the second Cod War. At sea and sinking with only a piece of wreckage to float on the mafia have to come up with a plan to get back to dry land and put an end to the Cod War, but quite frankly they cannot be arsed with the latter.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the pissed off man from Iceland

44 Immigration, Extermination ? Late 2010 Still in hiding in a really bad two-up, two-down town house in Blackpool, the mafia are pissed off and forced into action at the news that thousands of expelled Ugandan Asians have arrived in Britain after being expelled by Idi Amin. As a result the mafia decide to stand at every British port and airport giving the Asians the chance to leave or be exterminated. Surely they can not get away with this? Well not if they get noticed by the law!

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the racist Customs Officer

45 Bomb Voyage James May's Imaginary Friend Late 2010 After their recent display against the Ugandan Asians the mafia decide they are becoming too radical and need some time off especially as they recently risked getting caught. With this in mind, Higginbottom heads to the Israeli embassy in London in an attempt to get Passports and Visas for his gang when a parcel bomb goes off killing a diplomat and injuring the mafia's leader. With Higginbottom laid up in the hospital, the rest of the mafia head out to get revenge on the person that sent the parcel, but can they do it alone?

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as a doctor at the hospital and a diplomat at the embassy and as a bloke standing in line at the embassy complaining that the line isn't moving fast enough

46 The Jig Is Up? Someone That Knows James May Late 2010 Higginbottom has been recognised by someone he once ripped off while leaving the hospital. With this the mafia are hunted by the law they are forced to go to the one person Johnny can trust - his ex wife, but will Clare feed the police false information to allow her husband to get away? Meanwhile Robin is arrested while popping out for some milk and is pressured into wearing a wire to catch the mafia out in exchange for immunity from his crimes.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clakson as the bloke that turns to the camera and smiles

47 Under Pressure Lisa Lee Dark Late 2010 The mafia become worried that Higginbottom does not know what to do next and their lack of faith causes him to have a panic attack which puts their latest scheme - a bank robbery - in jepordy as the law is not far behind, yet the question thats more worrying is who is tipping the police off?

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the cocky bank manager

48 Fish & Chips & A Decent Battering James May Late 2010 The Traid's leader Ching Chong Li and his henchmen have moved in on the mafia's patch due to the gang being in hiding. When Higginbottom discovers that they have taken over the chip shop that was once his, he and the mafia set out to deal some old school british justice and intercept their drug deal taking the money and the drugs for themselves, but the bad news is the police turn up and the mafia are forced to make a quick get-away on a public bus.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as the unpleasant driver of the bus

49 Off You Trot James May's Hands & Brain Late 2010 Higginbottom comes up with a quick money-making scheme by buying a second hand horse and switching it with the winner of the 1972 Grand National: "Well To Do" so that the the mafia can keep it and enter it in the 1973 National and make a killing, yet when the Triad's find out they kill the house the mafia has bought for the switch and place its head in Johnny's bed. Not to be outdone by their biggest rivils the mafia acquire another look-a-like horse and switch it with the National winner, but just when things seem to be going well the police show up and the mafia are involved in a shootout in an attempt to escape.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson pretending to be Graham Thorner

50 From The Inside Not James May Late 2010 Higginbottom wakes up inside a super hot chick in a classy brothel where he has spent the night. After getting dressed Higginbottom is caught up when the police raid the building arresting everyone in order to undercover a prostitution racket. Able to escape via a back door (thats not a sexual euphemism!) Higginbottom steals his file with from the brothel with his contact details on, however the file is actually discovered to contain sexual poses of some top ranking military and police officials. After arriving back at the mafia's makeshift base they are raided and Higginbottom is arrested for connections to the brothel but his crimes are disolved when the Neopolitan Police Force discover the pictures he has in his posession. After being released Johnny meets with Dennis "The Menace" Anderton to get the word on the street and is shocked to discover that he may have a rat in his own gang. Now its time to set the cheese down and trap that son of a bitch!

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as a bloke enjoying himself in the brothel

51 Rat Pack James May Late 2010 Higginbottom pays a visit to his mentor Antonio Valentino in order to get some advice on what he should do about his rat problem, Tony advises him to use poison until Johnny reveals that it is a rat in his gang and not of the vermin kind. After seeking the advice Higginbottom plays a deadly game of cat and mouse with the members of his mafia setting a trap to see who has been tipping off the police. When the two eventually collide its not going to be a pretty sight, especially if a shotgun is involved!

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as a postman

52 367 Hours Earlier James May Late 2010 A flashback episode that shows how Earl Hacker became the mafia's rat prior to the reveal in the last episode. This is one of those dull episodes that saves the show some money which can be used for the series finale and to pay its high range of actors/actresses.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as flashbacks of all the characters he has played this series

53 A Question Of Loyalty Lisa Lee Dark Late 2010 Higginbottom gets the rest of the mafia to prove their loyalty to him by disposing of Earl (who is still alive at this point) in a car compactor. After they have done this he gets each and every one of them to take part in the new TV series Mastermind in order to answer sensitive questions on the mafia's opperations and to test their willingness to be part of the gang. When all the members pass his test, Higginbottom announces that he has booked them on a first class holiday to the US in time for Christmas, yet as they jet off, they don't realise the trouble that awaits them.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as Magnús Magnússon

54 Oh To Be In England (2010 Christmas Special) James May Late 2010 The mafia are in the US having a nice holiday when all of a sudden they are taken away by the FBI who are investigating the Watergate break-in and have had a tip-off that they are connected to it. Believing they have been set-up by the Americana Gang the mafia set about getting themselves freed, dishing out some revenge and finally getting back to their native soil - England.

Guest Appearance by Jeremy Clarkson as an FBI Agent



  • Both James May and Lee Evan's stars in the show.
  • James May's character says "Oh Cock!" at least 167 times per episode.
  • The courts forced Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson to make guest appearances on the show as May best saw fit as compensation for the fact that they destroyed two of his pianos on the BBC motoring show Top Gear.
  • Ironically when May's character is trying to evade capture from the police in the series he disguises himself as a white masked racing driver.
  • James May is nicknamed Captain Slow.
  • A lot of this trivia is probably a load of bollocks...apart from the above!
  • There are rumours of a feature film called Britannia Mafia: The Two Towers the title refers to the two towers of old Wembley stadium.


Despite the first series doing very well indeed in the ratings the series has been critisised for a number of reasons. The BBC got numerous complaints complaining that the series was far too graphic with James May raping his victims (not literally...we think?!) as well as being overly racist. The episodes were also critisised as having far too many modern elements present, for example one man said that when the team stole a ginsters pasty in one of the episodes he saw a pack of Pringles on the shelf below the pasty and he knows for a fact that Pringles were not around in the 1970's. James May's hairstyle was also critisised one reviewer commented "Does his hair not change at all? I watched Britannia Mafia and his hair was long then I turned over to Top Gear and his hair was exactly the same. Whats the deal with that?" Some of the complaints to the BBC also accused the series of not being serious enough. One ex-policeman from the 1970's said that when he saw the violent scenes they were very mild compared to what went on in real life. This man asked the series to be more realistic in future.

DVD Releases[edit]

  • Britannia Mafia: The Complete Series One: Release Date: 16th November 2009. Add it to your christmas list or the mafia will gun you down!!!
  • Contains all 13 episodes from the first series
  • A behind the scenes of the behind the scenes featurette
  • Oh Cock! An on-set report by James May in his changing room
  • Deleted scenes
  • Scenes that were not deleted
  • Trailers used as dressing rooms for the actors and actresses
  • TV Trailer type things
  • Free easter eggs
  • Free gun
  • Free pair of novelty breasts like Busty's
  • Free Willy
  • Richard & Judy Interview
  • Something else
  • Soundtrack of the TV show
  • Britannia Mafia: The Complete Series Two: Release Date: May 2010

Britannia Mafia: Back To The Future[edit]

A feature film version of the TV series where the Britannia Mafia transport to 2014 and are being investigated by the spooks team as Higginbottom forgot his ID card when walking his dog and when Dai stole a ginsters pasty from the local newsagents. The film will focus on the much older members trying to adjust to life in 2014 and must hide their racist views in a PC country. Along the way meeting their neighbour a paki who owns the local shop. The mafia must also avoid the New Tricks team as they seem to catch everyone despite a combined age of 2845.845, they must avoid the Dennis Waterman bloke as he may try to sing the feemtoon. They must attempt to return to the 1970's to return to the 'golden days' of hooliganism, violence, miners strikes, recessions, IRA attacks etc. To be produced by Tits And Ass Productions.

Britannia Mafia: The Video Game[edit]

To be released in September 09.

Britannia Mafia: The Video Game is set to be released on the 14th September 2009, it will be rated PG for a scary scene involving the Teletubbies. The game has been critisized for having nothing to do with the TV series whatsoever and copying the story from GTA: San Andreas, it will be released on the Amstrad, Playstation, Xbox 360 and on PC. The game has several similar things in common with the game Holocaust Tycoon. Template:UnMedia