British-Irish relations

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The United Kingdom of Great Ireland and Northern Britain, and the Republic of Britain

“British-Irish Relations.....I have had a number of them”

~ Oscar Wilde on international peacekeeping

British-Irish Relations is the study of the shockingly fucked up relationship between the United Kingdom of Great Ireland and Northern Britain and the Republic of Britain.


When contact between the two independent nations was first established circa 1938, the relationship between the two countries was one of distrust, kind of like when that hot girl is eyeing you up from across the bar, and you can't quite believe it, and begin to think that she may be planning to use you, or is preparing to drug you and have her gang remove your kidneys to sell on the black market. After Great Ireland offered to buy the Republic of Britain a drink and it wasn't drugged, they got chatting, and after a night of nonstop talking, decided to meet up again next Friday night.

Unfortunately, in September 1939, war broke out in Europe. Hitler designated France as Nazi Germany's official "raping grounds", which outraged Britain, even though France had always been a bit of a dick of a big brother to Britain. Britain declared war on Germany on the 3rd September 1939, at which point Germany had already miraculously taken complete control of continental Europe. Unfortunately for Britain, it would have to fight the war alone, because Ireland said it didn't have any ships or aircraft to get to the European mainland, when in fact, they did, but I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Britain said it understood, and said maybe they could meet up for that drink another time.

The war dragged on for six long years, Britain getting the shit beat out of it by Germany, and for some reason, the United States, probably because of mob-mentality. Eventually, the United States came to its senses, and decided to help Britain by supplying it with arms. It said the first batch was free, but this was just to get Britain hooked, and they later started charging Britain about $200 (£150) for just one ounce.

On the 30th April 1945, the Red Army closed in on Berlin. A popular misconception is that Hitler committed suicide by ingesting a cyanide capsule and simultaneously shooting himself in the head. However, this was just the Nazis trying to cover up the more embarrassing truth. What actually killed him was a genetically modified virus (HIV-45-USSR-V7) created by the Soviet Union which was secretly injected into Hitler's secret Jewish whores, which he later had sexual relations with, becoming infected.

With Hitler dead, France free of it's Nazi German rapists and the Soviets firmly in control of Germany, Britain decided to go home for a much deserved rest. When it returned, it found Ireland playing with its ships and aircraft, which Ireland previously claimed not to have. The two countries got into a big fight, and after about 3 hours of arguing and a wrecked living room, Britain stormed out and went to go talk about it with France. France was unsympathetic and ignored Britain, saying that it was playing with some of its European friends from its new club, but when Britain asked if it could join, France said it was only for continentals, and then kicked Britain in the groin to look cool in front of its new friends. Feeling isolated and betrayed by Ireland and the continent, Britain fell into a great depression, and started to feel vulnerable and lonely.

The United States started to notice that Britain was taking a turn for the worse, and didn't want it to start another European war, for if Britain was defeated, the United States would be the next target. The United States invited Britain over for a talk, Britain telling the United States about all of the trouble it had been having recently. Britain finally calmed down after getting its problems off of its chest, and the two started joking and badmouthing Canada, which the United States had forgotten was actually sleeping upstairs in its spare room. Canada heard everything, and when the United States tried to explain it only said those things to take Britain's mind off of its troubles, Canada started crying hysterically, saying that maybe the relationship wasn't working out and that the two should go their separate ways. Canada and the United States broke up, but the two occasionally met up again to have casual sex. Eventually, on New Years Eve 1999, the two decided to get back together, and they later had a child and named it Mexico. Mexico was later put up for adoption.

Britain returned home, only to have Ireland come up to it and apologize, which Britain accepted. They agreed to just be friends, but Britain started developed feelings for Ireland. Britain decided that Ireland should know how it felt, and bought some gifts for the occasion. When it got to Ireland's house, nobody was home. Britain went over to France to see if it knew where Ireland was, only to find France and its club having group sex with Ireland. Britain, angry and devastated, turned around and walked away.

Britain had reached its breaking point. On the 1st January 1973, Britain took its own life, hanging itself in its own house. Just above the doorway in the room, the words "BRITAIN WAS HERE" had been etched in with a penknife. Poland thought it would be funny to etch next to it "SO WAS RED". Poland died a few days later in hospital, having had seven colours of shit beaten out of it by the mourning countries of Europe.

Notable non attendees at Britain's funeral were Ireland, Poland (which was at the time in a coma in hospital), North Korea, Antarctica and Sweden.

To play the funeral out, Whitney Houston made an appearance singing "I Will Always Love You".

Britain's Death and the Aftermath[edit]

After the funeral, for a time, things largely continued as normal, except with the absence of Britain and Poland. The Soviet Union gradually receded from Europe and back into the east, resulting in the reunification of Germany in the late 1980s. Ireland, lonely without Britain decided to move in with Spain, the two becoming roommates and later great friends.

Through the 90s, 00s and 10s, the world was in a state of peace; that was until the United Nations started probing into the death of Mr Robert H. Poland, as it was formally known. Analyzing the body, the United Nations found that Poland had sustained multiple stab wounds to the West Pomeranian, Kraków and semen was found deposited inside Poland's anus, tests which were later found to be that of Ukraine, which Ukraine denies to this day.

I'm getting a bit bored of writing this now, and reading through it, the article does seem to be getting worse and dragging on a bit. Think I'll come back and finish it later.

See also[edit]