British Rail is currently holding the genius world record for the most signal problems - this is due to most of them made of paper and run by unpaid and mostly drunk hobbits. The government is seriously concerned about this and decided to pass a law to laminate all paper signals so they wouldn't dissolve in the rain. Tony Blair is currently in negotiations with the minister for travel about providing colour printers as a number of drivers have complain about being unable to distinguish between the greys on the paper. Unfortunately the minister of paper has committed suicide in a demonstration for the rights of paper complaining that all paper should be giving waterproof coats and sick leave. The minister of travel then pointed out that the driver would be unable to see the signal. The minister for paper then got annoyed and shot the minister for travel but has the gun the wrong way round. Tony Blair is unable to make a comment about this because he is with the minister for travel sorting out colour printers and laminated signals. as it is the government is more interested in more important things so the current estimate for signal changes is around 2020 but as by then Tony Blair will be out of office it will be forgotten about.
Luckily it doesn't end there. Gandalf the Pink, ruler of the hobbits has stepped in to take control. He is currently providing signals with pink instead of grey at the top and vivid green instead of grey at the bottom. Gandalf the Pink is also trying to pass a law to make a hight restriction for drinks so that hobbits would be too short. This was tried in Surrey and was an amazing success for toy shops who had sold out of stilts within 2 hours. however most of the hobbits are now in intensive care from falling over on there stilts and breaking their legs.
Hopefully this will mean trains will be on time in a year or two as I am currently at Winchester station, guess what, waiting for a train delayed by signal problems!!!