Bro Rape

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Frat boy bros as seen in their natural environment.

“Hey Bro, Wanna Chill?”

~ ChadBroChill17 on chilling with the bros

“Why would I rape bitches when I can rape all the hot bros I want? Hellz Yeah!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bro Rape

Bro Rape is a type of rape that has gone on for decades, and it has risen over 44% in the last year. It occurs when a bro, who may be innocently chilling at a suburban house party, is raped by another bro who's looking to take advantage. For every suburban house party, 4 bros are raped. Out of the 4, three are members of a major collge fraternity. Of these, only 1 in 7 bros will tell their fellow boys their story. As a result, most bro rapes go unreported.

History[edit]

Two bros taking place in an ancient cult religious ceremony that occurred in Brohemia. The sacrificial victims at this brofest were raped and most likely fed to the grues that inhabited the nearby forests.

Julius Caesar of Rome is the first widely known case of Bro Rape, who, having been raped by Brutus and left with his illegitimate love-child gestating in his rectum, committed suicide out of embarrassment. As bro rape spread through the world, more people began taking part in cult gatherings where medieval bros were seduced and raped. By the Twentieth Century, bro rapist had grown bored of human victims and moved on to monkeys. Thus, as several overzealous bros found out, their rape of visor-wearing primates spread the AIDS virus to brokind.

What is a Bro?[edit]

A bro is an 18 - 24 year old male who wears birkenstock sandals, watches Family Guy, plays Ultimate Frisbee, and wears an upside down visor or a baseball cap with a pre-fraid brim. Bros are often found on internet chat rooms and take on inconspicuous screen names such as ChadBroChill17 or Brojanglez. If you are online and you believe to come into contact with a bro, log off, count to ten, and avoid masterbation for 48 hours. If this describes yourself please contact the Bro Rape Hotline for help and try to avoid any other bros as one may become sexually stimulated.

Rape Strategies[edit]

A bro rapist may tempt his victim with many activities that bros have an affinity for. These include:

A poster pleading for bros to stop using their high-powered electrical sexual stimulating devices on innocent victims.
  • Listening to Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, or Incubus
  • Playing Game Cube or Xbox (this activity may or may not include the wearing of clothes)
  • Bringing a six pack of Natty Light to drink while chilling
  • Playing Ultimate Frisbee
  • Dousing oneself in Axe Bodywash
  • Watching Family Guy, Dane Cook, or Harold and Kumar
  • Using key words like "chill" or "Dude, let's just chill" or "Hey Bro, we're chilling"

Here's a link to an informational video on the spread of Bro Rape: [1]

Spotting a Bro Rapist[edit]

Bro rapists wear a simple garb containing the following:

  • Visor
  • Upside-down Visor (very common)
  • Khaki Shorts
  • Polo shirts several sizes too small (usually multiple with one or more collars popped)
  • Costa Del Mar Sunglasses (with strap and commonly placed on back of the neck, totally impractical)
  • SEC sports team branded belts
  • A large black dildo (often concealed in backpocket)
  • and lastly (often only seen by victims) nothing

21st Century Controversy of Bro Rape[edit]

At the turn of the century bro rape had increased 37% from 1900. President Barrack Obama had this to say in his State of the Union Address: "The act of forced anal or oral penetration of a bro is just, well, bro-ish." This controversial quote led to uproar throughout the country starting with 12 bros being shot at Fort Hood and in the rape/beating of Tiger Woods by his wife, a suspected bro before the sex change. These frightful events shocked the American public which resulted in the lynching of 39,000 bros throughout the country, becoming oficially known as "The Day of The Lynching of The 39,000 Bros of The United States".

Famous Bros[edit]