Bruce Dickinson

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bruce Dickinson.

Background[edit]

Bruce Dickinson was not really born. His original parents didn't want him and were going to have him aborted, when God struck them with a bolt of lightning and raised Bruce as his own. If you look carefully, you'll see that Bruce IS Harrison Ford a.k.a. Han Solo.

Childhood[edit]

He grew up in heaven with Jesus and attended a school in Purgatory. His best friends were Gandhi, his half brother Jesus, various people from the bible, and Cap N' Crunch. There is speculation on who his mother was. Many believe that the Virgin Mary was like a mother figure to him, but this is not true. We do know that he looked up to a woman in heaven as one would a mother.

Accident[edit]

File:Jesussavesbruce.jpg In his teens he regrettably experimented with kitten huffing and in a freak accident his lungs suffered irreparable damage. Jesus then healed his lungs, giving Bruce bragging rights to "having his lungs blessed by Christ".

Early Years as a Musician[edit]

With his new voice, Bruce and Jesus went through many different musical projects. The first band consisted of Bruce on vocals, Jesus on bass, Robert Johnson on guitar, Ghandi on drums, and Moses on the harmonica. The project was named "Dickinson and Friends", but only did a few bar gigs playing heavy metal covers of various hymns before the band broke up due to Ghandi's excessive drinking. The next project had Jack Black's mother's aunt's dog (cause all dogs go to heaven) on guitar as well as Bruce playing guitar and singing and playing the xylophone all at the same time. Jesus was still on bass and the great grandfather of Bob Dole (a.k.a. Da Doleinator) was on drums. The band was entitled simply "Twat". The reason for this is unsure. The band cut a demo that allegedly featured the original recording of "Happy Birthday", but unfortunately Walt Disney stole the song and copyrighted it before Bruce had official rights to it. When Jesus was asked about this he responded with "That guy's a douche." Twat lasted a few bar gigs but eventually broke up due to reasons unknown. Bruce and Jesus then formed a new band with a very sober Ghandi on drums once again, King Arthur on guitar, and Mozart on the kazoo. This band was named "Huzzah!" and cut a record with Beelzebub Records. The album was titled "The Sound of Music", but was stolen and made into a musical. Bruce being tired of his music being stolen, went on a rampage and slaughtered exactly 2 and a half chickens. After this rampage Bruce decided to go to Earth to make his ends as a musician.

Less Early, But Still Rather Early Years[edit]

On Earth Bruce Dickinson had many "jobs." Bruce had run his own chip van, and had also worked as an air raid siren during the Second World War. He was even a famous time bandit for a while. But he began to remember the fond memories with Jesus and his music. He joined a band called Speed, but he left that band saying that it sucked worse than Twat. He then joined another band called Sampson. He then heard news of an expedition to mine the 666th element Iron Maiden. The expedition was led by Steve Harris, who had discovered said element. So he left Sampson and joined Harris to live start his new life as a Maiden miner.

Iron Maiden... the Band[edit]

After discovering the element Iron Maiden, Harris decided to continue with his previous music career. Bruce than remembered his talent and joined Harris. They reformed Iron Maiden, named after the element they had discovered(Harris had cut the first two albums before his success in finding the element).

Discography[edit]

The band released many successful albums:

  1. Our Self Titled Album (with Dianno)
  2. Kippers (with Dianno)
  3. The Bummer of the Yeast
  4. Piece of Hind
  5. Powershave
  6. Something in Mime
  7. Seventh Son Of A Peasant Nun (aka Seventh Son Of A Lazy Bum)
  8. No Tear For The Crying
  9. Fear of Retard
  10. The Sex Factor (with Bayley)
  11. Virtual Bell-End (with Bayley)
  12. Grave Jew World
  13. The Pants of Death
  14. A Matter of Wife and Breath
  15. The Final Bum Tear

Solo Stuff[edit]

After Fear of Retard, Bruce decided to go solo. His albums however were stuck under the shadow of his previous career in Maiden. He was replaced by Blaze Bayley for two albums. But Bayley died in a freak accident involving suffocation on vomit. It is unknown exactly whose vomit he choked on, as one cannot simply dust for vomit. Bruce realized that the band needed him so he rejoined the band.

Today[edit]

Bruce continues to tour/write music/record music/pillage towns/NOT worship Satan and a plethora of other doings with Iron Maiden, as well as a few things with his solo project. He visits his father and half brother every Sunday and goes home for his brother's birthday.