Bruce Willis

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Bruce is still alive, and has yet to actually die hard.

Bruce Willis (that bald guy that could totally murder you) is an American vigilante super cop, the likes of which is only matched by Robocop and Judge Dredd. He has killed more terrorists than he is able to count on his fingers, and lost his hair in a terrible accident (The Whole Ten Yards), and has not been able to regrow due to frequent nightmares he has of having sex (probably butt sex) with Matthew Perry.


At the age of 13, Willis used his bare knuckles to punch his way out of his mother's vagina and immediately started making amateur films. At 15, he produced, wrote, directed, and starred in his first porno, entitled, "Spanking It while mom's at the store." This was a box office flop, but Willis was not at all shaken. At 19 he released his second work, entitled, "Touching the babysitters tits once she falls asleep." This was a huge hit and is what ultimately started his career in porn, which eventually led to a career in film, which eventually led to a career in abortions.


Whilst in San Francisco, or Orlando, or some shit. I just remember it wasn't in New York, Willis was inside a building while terrorists were attacking. Instead of backing down, he chose to totally murder all the terrorists, one of which was that big nosed guy from Harry Potter, which is what he will always be remembered for. Once he got the terrorists attention, he totally took off his shoes and started walking on glass just to show how particularly hardcore he was. After a big nosed emo wizard type individual saw him totally walking on glass and shit, he sent this weird looking Swedish (or whatever) guy to kill him. After totally choking the Swede (or whatever) to death, Bruce decided that it was time to totally send Proffessor whiny nose down a giant fiery chasm, that appeared as if from no where.

Also Willis eventually teamed up with Samuel L. Jackson and drove around New York solving puzzles and shit.

Matthew Perry & the Butt Sex[edit]

After Willis got sick off being a bad ass murderer, he decided to start trying to be funny. First he filmed himself masturbating a monkey (The Whole Nine Yards), then he filmed himself having an abortion while also masturbating a monkey (The Whole Ten Yards). In the subsequent film The Whole Eleven Yards, he had hardcore butt sex with Matthew Perry, and then lied to him about it, telling him he had fallen down the stairs. There were no stairs. Anyways, once the abortion was over he went back to being hardcore, but this time he was told by the press that he was old and bald and that abortion was probably not going to help the ratings.


Also Willis has chronic throat cancer, caused from not saying "motherfucker" at the end of the last Die Hard movie. Seriously what the fuck is that? I mean come on, you get to say fuck once in pg-13 movies anyways, why the fuck not there?

List of Willis Movies[edit]

  • The first three Die Hard Movies (Fuck Yeah)
  • Bonfire of the Vanities (Fuckith Yes)
  • Pulp Fiction (I just came thinking about it)
  • The Jackal (Dammit! now I'm gonna need another pair of pants)
  • The Sixth Sense (Fuck it, I'm just gonna sit in my own cum)

List of Willis Abortions[edit]

  • Those movies where he has butt sex with Matthew Perry
  • That movie where he's a robot cop. (Not Robo Cop)