The Early Years
Many theories have ensued over the centuries as to how exactly the Bush Family came to exist, the most popular of these to be stated herein. The most widely accepted theory as to how the Bush Family came to exist on this planet is that they were and still are the only thing that both God and Satan have created together. The theory says that, as everyone knows, Satan was created for the sole purpose of punishing the bad people, and God was created for the sole purpose of punishing the good people. After ages of endless conflict between the two, they finally decided to put their minds (and exceptional powers) together to get the job done quickly and mutually. The disappointing result was the Bush Family, an entity created by the Lord of Terror and the Holy Father to punish both the bad people and the good people at the same time, so that everybody wins. The theory also states that the Bush Family was created at about 1 B.C.
The Family, which is said to have begun with two people, was born with the primal instinct to hunt down and destroy all of God’s and Satan’s creations. Before they even began to devise a way to do this though, they were defeated, when a young couple from the east, Adam and Steve, came along with their pack of wooly mammoths, nearly annihilating all members of the Bush Family. All surviving members of this ancient clan suffered injuries too great to recover from. All that is, except one.
Edicous Hazacalious Billy Bush suffered many gruesome injuries from the mammoths but he did survive. He recovered quickly and managed to locate where Adam and Steve were hiding. He snuck up on the cave and snatched Steve, planning to forcing him to give birth to his child so he could carry on the Bush Family. But it was at this time that he realized that he had no penis. He later found out that it was severed in his sleep by his rival Mace Windu, a well-trained dinosaur tamer at the time.
After several years of searching he finally found a witch capable of growing penises. He traded his left butt cheek for a one in return and had it magically attached so he could carry on the Bush legacy. By this time Steve was dead, so he searched out an actual female. Little did he know, his search was in vain.
After fourteen years of searching, he brought himself to face the fact that if he were to carry on the Bush Legacy, he would need to take drastic measures. So he did what needed to be done and had sexual relations with a velociraptor. No one quite knows how he did it, but he managed to escape from it afterwards and lived to see the birth of his hybrid son. He named him Gustoff Billy Bush, but died soon after from a combination of old age and a pack of raptors ripping him to shreds. The legacy went undisturbed until 1777. At the time of the American Revolution, King James II passed a law that the Bush Family should have indisputable rule over all the lands of Europe. Predictably, the King was assassinated for his actions by a henchman of his arch nemesis, Catherine Hitler. Many people knew her as the Empress of the colonies Chicagoland and Gunhootoo. The latter being a very large and wealthy chain of casinos and hotels that would later be bought by popular theme park, Six Fags.
After the King's death the Bush Family swore revenge by declaring war on the following enemies of England, whom they believed to be responsible:
- Books, Magazines, Newpapers (all reading material in general)
- Intelligence greater than their own
- Mars and all of its allies
- The United States of Omerykuh
- Vatican City
- Pretty much all of Africa
- The Philippines
- School (except Tentacle High)
Although they received much support from the citizens of England, the Bush Family underestimated their enemies. Shortly after declaring war, a rebellion formed for the sole purpose of destroying the Bush Family. The rebellion, consisting of the A.L.P.M.W.D.H.I. (Anonymous Legion of Pregnant Mothers With Drunken Husbands Incorporated) a few Mongolian Nomads from the east, the entire Eskimo population, Samuel L. Jackson (Descendant of Mace Windu), Happymen (followers of Samuel L. Jackson), and several angry Washingtonians from the west fought gallantly against the Family, but to no avail. The Bushes won the war against the rebellion, but were forced to leave their beloved home behind them. They left what was left of Europe and Asia in ruins and fled to the USO, disguised as refugees. They arrived in the Omerykun province of Texas and managed to convince several confused villagers that they were gods. It did not take long for them to gain control of the entire province and be chosen to fill the important roles in government. The people of Texas soon worshipped them and named them "Saviors of the World." A few years had passed and all seemed well in the world until a journalist from New York published an article about how the Bush Family puts the “ass in Texass.” After hearing their servant read it to them, The Bush Family decided to declare war again, but this time they focused their efforts on one source: The USO province of Alaska. Many theories have been hatched as to the reason for this declaration against a fellow province but many believe it is one of the following two:
- The journalist from New York could have just as easily written: The Bush Family puts the “ass in Alasska”, but she didn’t.
- Alaska is bigger than Texas.
The Bush Family gathered many faithful and able-bodied Texans and trekked many hundreds of miles north into the uncharted wilderness of Canada. As soon as they crossed the border into Alaska, however, they were ambushed (incidentally, the term ambushed was added to the English dictionary after this incident, as it was inspired by the Bush Family). A massive army of surviving Eskimos surprised the Texan army and managed to destroy sixty-five members of the Bush Family, before they were defeated. Against the wishes of the Texan army, the remaining nineteen members of the Bush Family decided, that in order to completely destroy the Eskimo population for good, they would need to turn their sights to China, an ally of Alaska, and an enemy of the Family. They took a ship to Hong Kong, but before they could do any damage, the Chinese government captured them and deported them to Mongolia. The Family, determined to defeat China once and for all, began to head back to its borders. However, on their journey they met up with a particularly angry group of Mongolian Nomads. Using their “gorilla” style of combat, the Nomads destroyed the Texan army and managed to kill all but two members of the Bush Family.
Martha Maria-Cosia and Jorge Consuelas Bush resembled the Nomads so much that they were able to fool the border guards and catch a ship back to the USO. They immediately headed back to Texas where they decided to reproduce to carry on the legacy once again of the Family. Neither of them had a penis (Jorge’s was severed by Samuel L. Jackson and Martha had his accidentally removed when he was born) so it was difficult to do so. And so, following family tradition, they found a witch capable of growing penises and they both got one (buy one get one free).
They then went in search of a beautiful Texan Woman, but soon found out, no such thing exists. So they were forced to reproduce with a Texas Honkey, which provided them with several more children: Billy, William, Bill, Will, Willy, Billy II, Billy III, and their first George. They raised their children to hate two things: China, Alaska, and Pencils. As the Bush children grew they launched a large campaign against these three countries, losing many of their own in the process.
Several years passed as the war intensified until only one member of the Family was left: George. George was and still is considered by many to be the most powerful member of the Family to ever exist since Edicous, for he solved the problem of reproduction by using his vast powers to asexually conceive a wife and two children. He named his Children and his wife after himself: George, George and George.
George Gains Power
After years of training, learning and raising his family to worship him, he realized that the only way to destroy their enemies was to gain the support of the entire USO, instead of just Texas. So he ran for president in 2000 and won due to popular support of his Anti-Policy Policy. He then immediately declared war on the Soviet Union, but was soon informed by his advisors that it no longer existed. He did not lose sight, however, of his dream of someday destroying the remnants of the old rebellion that humiliated his Family name. He declared war on China and ordered several nuclear bombs be dropped on the cities of Hong Kong and Beijing but made the mistake of hiring his sons to drop them. They accidentally deployed them on Vietnam on the way, beginning the Vietnam War and The Great War of the Talk Show Hosts. George’s sons would later claim that they made the mistake due to map and compass malfunctions.
After three years of intense battle against the Vietcong, President Bush's term was nearing its end. He knew the only way to continue his reign was to kill the competition. Therefore he hired Japanese karate instructor Ayemyo Masta to assassinate John F. Kennedy quietly and secretly without any public knowledge of the murder. Masta failed miserably, and was killed by a faithful Texan to cover up the scheme.
Bush still lost reelection, however, to Bill Clinton. This infuriated Bush beyond anything that any of his enemies have ever done. He was outraged that someone he considered to be so evil could have such a sexy name, so he told his sons to get revenge. After much thought and planning, the two Georges deployed “Operation Condoms.” They installed Miss Texas of the Miss United States Pageant in the White House and instructed her to seduce President Clinton and put an end to his ever expanding empire. Needless to say, she failed, as she soon got too close to President Clinton and quickly fell in love with him. She had an affair with him in the oval office soon after telling him about her feelings, but they made the mistake of doing it on live TV. President Clinton was impeached for the scandal, and the whole thing would become the subject for many, many jokes for many years to come. Miss Texas headed back to Houston where she found out she was pregnant with twins. She would give birth to them, name them and then mutter something to the effect of “there’s still good in him”, before dying of unknown causes. Her sons would later rise to become the two most powerful Texans the world has ever known: George Wonka and Algar Sidious. Over the next few years the original George Bush would die of natural causes and his sons would die in a not-so-tragic accident involving old naked ladies, a poisonous marshmallow peep and three wise men. George Bush’s wife, George, would die from being beaten to death with Popsicle sticks. The whereabouts of the murderer or murderers is still unknown. George Wonka would be adopted by a rich Texan family and would be overexposed to Bush Family ideals, which would, incidentally, lead him to change his name to George W. Bush become president of the USO.
The world would never be the same again. George W. Bush now rules the entire known world as we speak, except for a small rebellion that includes China, Alaska and a few Mongolian nomads.
Currently George W. Bush, aside from waging war on the rebellion, has sent out a small group of loyal Texas Honkeys to hunt down and destroy Samuel L. Jackson and his Happymen, to avenge to his families Penises. See the Bush Family Tree for more details.