Conservatives

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ATTENTION

In contrast to popular opinion, Conservatism, and not popular faiths, is its own religion. Believers can switch on to the official, 24/7, Conservative Network Fox News. Recently scientists discovered the purported "fair and balanced" nature of its flagship show, "The Factor", was responsible for the earths 24 degree tilt. However popular faith is a useful tool for conservatives in controlling the uneducated masses and going on "crusades" as well as when briefing President George W. Bush, which without resorting to explanations (with the aid of sock puppets) such as "God did it" and "Magic" would be a completely futile task. Conservatives follow the Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition for their religion.

Other conservatives[edit]

Neoconservatives[edit]

George Bush out for a relaxing day of golf with his wife.

Their name is derived from the Greek "neos" (meaning new) and the Latin "conservare" (to keep, preserve or stay the same), the term demonstrates just how confused these racist, petrol-sniffing, coke-snorting, alcoholic frat boys are. It is believed that when this oxymoron was pointed out to president Bush at a press conference he replied "I'm not Oxy--or a buffalo", and then refused to say anything but "Yo" for the rest of the session. A White House press secretary then went on to explain, in a later press conference, that it wasn't an oxymoron but Bush's way of proving to the world that Americans really do have a sense of irony, claiming the movements major policies such as "War is Peace", "Freedom is Slavery", and "Ignorance is Strength" are pure satire and further evidence of Bush's worldly sense of humor - as were the Iraq War, the Enron collapse and Katrina relief effort. The session was then concluded by noting that the President would be conducting his next press conference at the Comedy Store and that he was available for frat parties, golf days and world summits, if any body needs to contact him, he will be on holidays in Texas for the next 52 weeks. All of the major decisions are made secretly by an alien who runs things in the background without the public knowing.

Roman conservatives[edit]

A thinktank run by emperor Nero

The neoconservative movement was established in Roman times. The movement then, as now, was preoccupied with taking over the world. The head of the movement was Emperor Nero and hence they were referred as Nero-conservatives as opposed to neoconservatives. This is actually where the term neoconservative comes from. The same careless editor who mistook the Hebrew word for “young women” for the Greek word for “virgin” was the editor that wrote the part of the Bible in which the Nero-conservatives were mentioned.

British conservatives[edit]

Conservatives in the UK are pretty boring; with the possible exception of Stephen Milligan who asphyxi-wanked himself to death just before a UK bi-election.

Save America, one dead hippie at a time

Conservative Cookie Treat[edit]

This list explains how to make this delicious recipe, most liberals tend to be allergic to it.

Ingredients 1) Fascist fudge. 2) Christian value rice crackers. 3) Supremacist syrup. 4) Financial debt flour. 5) 4 egocentric eggs. 6) Gay bashing gummie bears. 7) Tree-chopping twinkies. 8) Redneck raisins. 9) Liberal-hating lemon slices. 10) Right-wing ginger roots.

Later, do whatever you want to cook it up, Iraqi stolen petroleum also works well to give it a kick.

See also[edit]