Butter v. toast

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Judge, Jury and executioner.

Butter v. Toast, 388 U.S. 1 (1987), was a landmark Supreme Court case law whereby Butter accused Toast of adultery and breach of contract. This lead to decision by the U.S. Senate to enact the Buttered Toast Act 1988 whereby all buttered toast must land butter side first.

Introduction, History and Preface[edit]

The best thing ever!

Since the dawn of man and bread, butter has been a constant and infallible companion to the celebrated grain product. Used almost exclusively to butter bread, Butter was very loyal[1]. However, during the scandalous 1910s, Louis Camille Maillard pioneered the Malliard Reaction[2] to toast bread, thereby sparking a revolution that swept the world by storm.

A white Toaster

The Maillard Law not only defines "toast", but also defines that "toast" is better tasting than bread, as expressed in the following function:




As such:



FaxFacts and Arguments of the Case[edit]

They were so happy

Butter, seeing an unprecedented opportunity to differentiate herself from the competitors,[3] decided to go all out for Toast. They signed an MOU then an MOA, then a JVA and then finally a M&A.

Initially, Toast was fine with the arrangements but soon got bored with the limited choices[4] offered by Butter. Toast began experimenting with various other possibilities like:

When Butter confronted Toast with the accusations, Toast vehemently denied any wrong-doings. Cornered, Butter decided to hire a private eye to investigate the wrongdoings. The private eye confirmed the accusations and even came up with photographic evidence, as will be shown later. However, the camel that broke the straw hat was when Margarine spread herself on Toast.

In defence, Toast's attorney argued that the very nature of Bread was of a bland and neutral taste, therefore they, by instinct, will seek to spice up his life. Lead defence attorney said:

Cquote1.png My client lead a tragic life. Flour product derivatives are by their very basic nature bland. My fellow juries, can you deny my client the joy of life? We condemn people with many wives as "polygamist", but let me tell you that for Toast, having one wife is monotony. It is a disease, experts call it, onegina. And my client is a sad, sad sufferer of this debilitating disease. Cquote2.png

The defence also entered evidence that Butter was not that "exclusive":

Defence Exhibit 1:

1 block Butter = 250 gm 
230 gm castor sugar
4 eggs (find the biggest egg you can)
250 self-raising flour
2 tsp vanilla essence
about 6 tbsp UHT milk
Heat oven to 180 deg C. Line cake tin, size about 8 inches in diameter.
In a mixer, beat butter and sugar till white and fluffy.
Add in eggs one at a time, alternating with flour.
Add vanilla essence to milk and mix in. Check the consistency of the batter.
It should be of dropping consistency.
If it stands peaking and hard, add more milk.
Pour into baking tin and bake for about 50 mins.
Tadaaa… the golden butter cake.

Decision and Judgement[edit]

Judge Harry P. Ness, sans hair

The Supreme Court ruled that Toast was at fault for infidelity leading to breakdown in the institution of marriage, but not for breach of contract. While both sides arguments were equally eloquent, the judgement in the end was in favour of Butter, because everyone couldn't stand the sight of her melting.

Judge Harry P. Ness said:

Cquote1.png Marriage is an institution. Even if you have to be crazy to get into either one of those. By getting spread on by almost every single willing condiment, Toast has committed, by my definition, what was, is and forever will be considered the definition, if not the very core and essence, of infidelity. And by committing infidelity, Toast has broken, no, destroyed and annihilated the very foundation of American values. Cquote2.png
Judge Misty "Only-on-wet-afternoons" Hyman

Judge Misty Hyman added:

Cquote1.png You (Toast) sir, are in complete violation of the trust, respect, honor and trust given to you by Butter. Look at her, if you can, a creature of smooth texture and milky white innocence, laying out her soul for you and then you had your way with other women. Even worse, you did it with her sworn enemy, the vegetable oleo derived slut called Margarine? Oh to add insult to injury. An infinitely outrageous act! Shame on you! You are a traitor! Like what Judge Hairy Penis Harry P. Ness said, your action undermine the American society, bringing us closer and closer to destruction from terrorism. If I can, oh, if I can, I'll charge you for TREASON! And I'll get you down to Guantanamo Bay to be tortured interrogated questioned rehabilitated if I don't know you would enjoy it. Cquote2.png

Fallout, Aftermath and Response[edit]

In the aftermath of the case, Butter initially filed for separation from Toast for the mandatory period of two years. However, after six days, Toast declared he could not live without Butter. Driven by his emotional plea, other prominent citizens began commenting on the situation. The entire world was divided into two warring factions, Pro-Toast and Pro-Butter. The battle between Butter and Toast escalated outside of the courtroom into the world, bringing about the downfall of the world economy and the enactment of the most famous laws regarding Toast.


The Pro-Toast movement was pioneered by various fictional, deceased and non-fictional leaders.

Reaction to butter shortage

“Sort of stretched, like... Butter scraped too much over Toast.”

~ Bilbo on Butter shortage

“Butter cannot live on Bread alone, she must have Toast”

~ James A. Garfield on living alone

“Nothing takes the taste out of love quite like unrequited butter”

~ Charles M. Schulz on love


However, other parties were adamantly against the idea that Toast can't live without Butter.

Organization in support of Butter

“We can do without butter, but, despite all our love of Cheese, not without Hams. One cannot shit with butter, but with Hams.”

~ Joseph Goebbels on Cheese and Ham

“Would you rather have butter or jam? Vitamin C makes us powerful. Butter merely makes us fat.”

~ Hermann Goering on health

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do Butter the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Pwn it.”

~ Oprah on doing Margarine.
Another organization in support of Butter

“Some people, well, if they don't like Butter, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period.”

~ Tom Cruise on describing what goes on the end of a sentence.

“Butter has helped me get over the death of my son (Jett)”

~ John Travolta on $cientologyButter

Black & Blue Monday, and Socio-politico-economic Implications[edit]

Immediately after the court handed out the decision to the case, the stock exchanges all over the world crashed, losing out the highest percentage points ever in history. The stock market in Hong Kong collapsed first, causing a cascade reaction that brought Australia and Europe to its knees. The Dow Jones Industrial tried to rally, but in the end succumbed to the pressure of an increasingly (at that time) globalized economy.

“The biggest drop in value since Black Monday. I felt like I got kicked”

~ Test E. Teckles on Black & Blue Monday

The Butter v. Toast case was also credited with bringing social and economic reforms to communist countries. The hype surrounding the case and the lack of sensitive information being discussed led the East Germany and Russian government to underestimate the impact of the case on the communist culture.

Yakov Smirnoff, famed celebrity even commented:

Cquote1.png Derʹmo! Don't talk about "toast spread on butter", we never had the technology for Toast. We lived on stale bread for years. Yebat, we don't even have Butter! Cquote2.png

The Masla-Menya-Vverh movement in Russia sparked the Perestroika revolution that slowly opened up segments of the Russian economy, and soon leading to the downfall of Communist Russia itself.

In West Germany, the same revolution was happening. After Günter Schabowski mistakenly announced "Ich schraubte eine Ziege"[6] on national television, thousands of Germans stormed the walls to get Butter on the other side. By the 17th of November, there was too much Butter flowing on both sides, and rogue East Germany tank crashed into the wall, marking the first step taken in dismantling the Berlin Wall.

US Senate Response[edit]

The greatest act of the greatest leader of our times

President Ronald Reagan, facing the greatest crisis of his career, decided to push forward the Buttered Toast Act to protect the status quo of the country's top two foodstuff:

Cquote1.png The country is facing an unprecedented crisis in the form of an escalated dispute between two of the most important breakfast commodities. As leaders of the free world, we must lead, and others will follow. Above all, we must realize that no Toast, or no Butter on Toast of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a food our adversaries in today's world do not have. As I live and breath, all great change in America begins at the breakfast table. Therefore I call upon the gastronomic community in our country, those who gave us I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace: to give us the means of rendering these I Can't Believe It's Not Butter impotent and obsolete. Cquote2.png

Immediately following his speech to the Congress, President Reagan received a standing ovation from Democrats and Republicans alike. For the first and last time in the history of the great United States of America, the House was unanimous in passing the proposal into law.

I am thWe isare the LAW.

The gheest of the law is as follows:

  • Toast, by agreement, cannot enforce Butter to be spread on top of him. All layering on top of Toast must be completely voluntary
  • Butter, by agreement, may choose to be associated with any other food of her choice
  • If, at any time, Butter is on Toast, and the Butter'd Toast was dropped, the said Toast must fall onto the floor Butter side down
  • Continuation from the above, the rate whereby this law applies is 80% of the time, or greater.
  • In further continuation from the above, if there are additional condiments with, on top of, or under said Butter, the rate shall increase to 95%
  • If there is no Butter on the Toast, the fall rate is not regulated, nor shall any law, legislation or ruling be made to set the rate
Stephen "For-the-last-time-I-did-not-run-over-your-cat" Hawking

The law was widely celebrated by people from all walks of life, but much more so by the scientific community. Stephen Hawking said[7]:

Cquote1.png Bzzzt!Wheeeeoooouuuu-POP! This ruling is the first time ever that the laws of quantum physics coincide with laws of -Don't worry, be happy... Dooo-do-do-doo-do-do- of a country, and it is an important development in the Buttered Cat Experiment and the resulting second law in quantum physics . And I swear I did not ran over that man's cat. Cquote2.png

See also[edit]


  1. Her only fling was with peanut but that is oh so long ago.
  2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maillard_reaction
  3. Like Cheese, Soup and Stew.
  4. Salted and unsalted
  5. You can't even tell the difference!™
  6. To this day, experts argue that he should have said "Das Politbüro sind Ziegen", but historians think that the original translation was more accurate.
  7. Disclaimer:Through his trademarked synthesized voice, of course