CACCPD

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The Capital Area Career Center Police Department (CACCPD) is the police department of the Capital Area Career Center, Mason, Michigan. With over 2 officers and a couple civilians on staff, covering an area of 1 square mile with a population of nearly 4 hundred people, it is the third largest law enforcement agency in the United States (trailing behind the New York Police Department and Chicago Police Department). The CACCPD has had a rich history, including occasional incidents of brutality and corruption. The agency is famous world wide and has been heavily fictionalized in numerous movies and television shows.

Capital Area Career Center Police Department

Throughout its modern history, the department has suffered from chronic underfunding and understaffing. In comparison to most large cities, The CACCPD has historically had one of the lowest ratios of police personnel to population served and thus the current chief, Micheal Mullen, has made enlarging the force one of his top priorities. (Mullen has been quoted as saying, "You give me 4000 more officers and I'll give you the safest school in the world.") The CACCPD's own web site illustrates the challenges faced by the department. For example, New York City boasts one officer for every 228 residents. In Chicago, the ratio is one officer per 216 citizens and in Philadelphia there is one officer for every 219 persons. By contrast, the Capital Area Career Center Police Department protects its city with only one officer for every 426 residents. For the Career Center to have the same ratio of officers as New York City, the CACCPD would need nearly 17,000 officers."

Founded by the great Ted Stevens in 1999, it was quietly disbanded in 2002 but then reinstated in 2005 after “gathering enough tubes from a big Truck”. This was all in due part to Chief Michael Mullen. Self proclaimed “KING OF FUCKING ENGLEND!!!1” he got most of CACCPD’s funding uncut and got more staff after much lobbying. Upon inspection of the HQ, good old Ted promptly threw a “hissy” and drove his big truck into the internet[s].

Staff[edit]

Chief Michael Mullen takes aim at a Camera man. This is believed to be caused by his fear of flashes.

The CACCPD’s staff is quite diverse, featuring a o.0% death rate on its department, and a 0.0% female rate. With a rate like that, things get done sixty percent of the time, nearly every time. New recruits are also fairly common, but for there failing life expectancy, see below. Some other key players in CACCPD’s war on crime in a one mile radius, is its two main officers, Nick Guestella and Mike Mullen. They're two cops who've been on the hard side of the law for Eleventy years and are backed with more money than anyone in the department, including the Chief. Their unit (affectionately dubbed "Their Unit") has bagged over 10 bad guys, per hour, per day, for the past ten years. There's also Chief Inspector "Dirty" Harry Callahan. Chief Inspector Callahan was transferred from the San Francisco Police Department. He's one tough son of a gun. Another member of the esteemed CACCPD is Justin. He is a part-time officer and our own little operator and rumored to be a closet homosexual who goes by the name, "Ripven". Though quite savvy, he has been known to give phone sex every hour or two. Another unknown member is Steve Baker. He is the chief chef around here and makes one fucking hell of a sirloin. If I had him as a nanny I could die a happy typist. Creating good meals, he sometimes bakes cookies for charity, though so far, he has not.

Weapons on Crime[edit]

Chief Michael Mullen takes a Drive through the Office.

The Chief Drives a solid state Wooden Desk MkII+1. It has a fuel consumption of 166 woodchips per mile. The chief is currently the only persen in the world to Drive a woodchip powered Desk, which is too great for the environment and is shunned by over 500 people. The other uncountable numbers of CACCPD are stuck with stupid Police cruisers. There really boring, and, ugh, if you really wan't to know… No you don’t. Good, I always Treasured you. Some weapons include a glock, 9mm, Hand Grenade, and flaming ember axe +3 which gives the user +80 blocking and is quite resistant to fire; though no one knows why.

Current Issues[edit]

Some large issues face us today, and the CACCPD usually has next to no issues. Some current issues with the department are;

-No ammo: Armed with weapons is good, having the ammo to use them is better.

-No “real” authority: This is a lie, is wouldn’t be a Pd if it had no authority. There’s no one who wouldn’t listen to the CACCPD. And I think we all know everyone actually does. Just wrong.

-The Chief is a fucking madman: This may or may not be true.

-Mike still hasn't left NAMBLA

-The entire force absolutely despises any form of word processing, Memo writing, or people who have green shoes. This greatly impares the Department because trust me, there are quite a few people in the world who have green shoes...and they've got to come downtown... and we're running out of room.

Interested?[edit]

You know you are. People wishing to join CACCPD, will have to take [1]. This class will prepare you for the extremely hard life as a CACCPD Man. Upon passing this class, you will be accepted so no worries about "not making" Mr. I'm-not-good-enough. Joining may seem like a big step, but its not. Life in CACCPD will be detailed below.

A New cop Patrols the streets.

Training[edit]

Each potential Officer must log at least 76 straight hours of any of the following "'Instructional' Video Games"

-Grand Theft Auto

--Grand Theft Auto: London, 1969 
--Grand Theft Auto: London, 1961
--Grand Theft Auto: European Vacation

-Grand Theft Auto 2 -Grand Theft Auto 3

--Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
--Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

-Grand Theft Auto 4

--Grand Theft Auto: Antarctica
--Grand Theft Auto: Escape To Atlantis

-Grand Theft Auto 5

--Grand Theft Auto: Inside the Human body

-Grand Theft Auto 6

--Grand Theft Auto: The Moon
--Grand Theft Auto: Journey to the Sun

A Day in the Life[edit]

A Day in the Life of a CACCPD life goes mostly like this...

CACCPD Hard at work.

9:00A.M.: The Cheif Arrives, looks up porn, and does his dance. Then wonders why no one walked in on him dancing and then realizes that everyone is late, Again.

11:00A.M.:Crew arrives, Chief is happy as he can now inquire whether or not anyone wants to go fishing. The answer is always the same, no. Lunch is also brought by the Chef, Steve. Justin also begins to “see” his contacts.

1:30 P.M.: Lunch is eaten, then shitted out. Chief takes a nap so he won’t get cranky. The many men of CACCPD patrol their huge areas. Arrests are made and people run and hide.

4:00 P.M.: The Crew returns and Chief then wakes up, and makes up something to be mad about. so far, some notable choices were “My liver is missing!”, “I couldn’t find a Hacksaw for this hooker”, and “what ever happened to the Moons?!”. The Crew take it all with pride.

6:00 P.M.: Everyone makes up, and the Chief leaves. After patrolling for a total of forty-five minutes, the crew tires and seeks an escape from their stressful day by turning to high grade Vodka.

9:00 P.M.: The Chief is read his favorite bedtime story, "Waggles and the loving whore who used to be a prostitute." Also known as Pretty Women. The crew does the same, yet reads “The way the fucking hot chick got banged: The Prequel.” Then go to sleep fast.

All this in a Day. It may be hard to belive, but they do it Every other day, Monday through friday. Remember, Friday is Casual Friday.

Sports[edit]

The CACCPD are avid players of Water Polo... With Sharks!. To the extent where they have our own Team. The Chief is usually the Goalie and they always leave no survivers.

some other sports the CACCPD play...

Baseball

football

laser tag

swimming

hockey