“The Beachcombers is good but people just get tired of it when it's on eight hours a day.”
“Hmmm...jPod; it might be good...oh hey, a CSI rerun on CTV!”
“Hmmm...Being Erica; I've heard of that...oh shit, American Idol is on CTV!”
“Hmmm...The Hour...hey, The Daily Show is on CTV!”
The CBC or Canadian Broadcorping Castration (aka "Canadian Broadcasting of Canada" or "Canadian Beachcombers Channel", "Communist Broadcasting Center," depending on translation) is a radio and television network run by people from Toronto.
Underfunded for many years, it is currently held together mostly with bits of duct tape left over from tapings of the Red Green show and the sets are all from "The Beachcombers", a reality show that ran from 1972-1989 and was the "Baywatch" of its era.
Why people watch CBC
- Most Canadians watch the CBC because it rarely edits the sex and violence out of foreign programs (the exception being foreign news which was specifically banned in the British North America Act of 1867). Indeed the CBC has been known to edit naughty words into such puerile filth as "Mr. Dressup" and "Front Page Challenge" as well as showing "Les Schtroumpfs" with the original all-nude cast. In addition, the CBC showcases homegrown talent and appeals to 20 year olds with twenty-year-old reruns of "Coronation Street".
- They also watch the CBC because it's the only thing on; Canadian televisions have only two controls: power and volume. The channel knob was cut due to the scientifically proven impossibility of operating two knobs while wearing mittens (operating one knob while wearing mittens is merely scientifically improbable)...and the power button is literally frozen on ON.
- too poor to afford basic cabal.
- For fellow Yanks to get a more balanced point of view about life in Canada and as the main liberal channel in North America.
The CBC broadcasts 22 minutes a day during the summer month of Julaugust, falling to zero minutes a day during the winter months of Septober through Februne, when it's just too frickin' cold. Handwritten transcripts are available for a nominal fee of 55 cents (two moose and one beaver) for one winter day of 0 hours (0 Canadian metric hours), or 3 dollars (one bear and one loon) for one summer day of 24 hours (10 Canadian metric hours).
Schedule consists primarily of:
- The GNational (with Gnowlton Gnash).
- The Regional (with Peter Boysbridge).
- The Minute (with George Stromboluffagas).
- Les Quebecois (avec Mitsou).
- Hardball (with DimoiTou).
- Frontiers.. in SCIENCE!.
- Subway Commercials with that guy who likes Steak.
- BBC reruns.
- Heritage Canada Pierre Trudeau Worship minutes.
- CBC (Cabbage Boiling Canada).
- The Urban Pheasant.
- Wok With Yen.
- The Tommy Hunter (Yee-Haw!) Show.
- Tommy Douglas' Kitchen.
- Handyman's Corner (Cooking with Red Green).
- 101 uses for Seal Blubber.
- CBC (Canadianites Behaving Canadianishly).
- Kids in the Hall.
- The Beachcombers.
- The New Beachcombers in Quebec (en francais).
- Beachcomberback Mountain.
- Little Beachcomber on the Prairie.
- Another Goddam Hour of The Beachfuckingcombers.
- The Littlest Hobo.
- The Raccoons.
- King of Kensington.
- Little Oil Rig on the Prairie.
- Doctor What (a Brit import, with all instances of "brilliant" dubbed over with "eh", as is required by Canadian law).
- Depressing Cop Drama.
- De Vanci's Questioning.
- De Vanci's Questioning: City Hall.
- Street Loophole (like L.A. Law, but in Toronto Ontario, and filmed with a camcorder).
- Body Break with Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod.
- Two Four (a Canadian 24, but with Donald Sutherland's kid drinking a flat of beer in real time).
- An Asian in Winnipeg.
- Blacks in the Maritimes.
- Royal Canadian Air Farce (but not for long; they cancelled it due to its Pornocannon episodes).
- Crazy Canadian Sea Farce.
- Documentaries about "The Beachcombers".
- When Bruno Gerussi Attacks!
- The Naked Adventures of Relic.
- The Littlest Hobo Versus The Beachcombers.
- History Documentaries.
Outdoors & Travel Shows
- 4 on the Floor.
- Oot and Aboot.
- Ski-Doo et Vous.
- Loutine Poutine.
- Mr Dressup.
- Flannel, flannel, flannel!
- Street Scents (J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys walks down streets throughout Canadian cities smelling Canadians, trying to guess what they smell like).
- Fashion File.
- Sesame Park.
- Fred Penner's Place (Original title: Creepy Guy w/Guitar).
- Gill Deacon Show: Featuring that girl who was once on that TV show on the Discovery channel about science, but then she got knocked up and replaced by some British girl with a rectangular head.
Quickly Cancelled Interview/Variety Shows
- Ralph Benmergui Show.
- Rita MacNeil & Friends.
- CBC (Curling & Bowling Canada).
- Hosers on Ice.
- SCTV (Sexy Canadian Tits and Vaginas).
- Under the Hockey Stick Tree.
- Rogers Sportsnet Presents Brian Williams on CBC.
- Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption.
"Canadian Content" (ie: mostly unfunny) Comedy Shows
- This Metric Hour Has 10 Minutes.
- Red Green.
- The Red Green Show.
- The New Red Green Show.
- The Red Green is Dead Show.
- The Zombie Red Green Show.
- Corner Gascombers (stolen from CTV, but with clips of Bruno Gerussi spliced in place of Brent Butt).
- Juste Pour Rire.
- Just for Stupid and Unfunny Jokes.
- Just for Stupid and Unfunny Jokes and Gags.
- Rick Mercer presents: Rick Mercer's Monday Report, with Rick Mercer (now on Tuesdays).
- Canadians Think They are Smarter than You (formerly broadcast as "Talking to Americans").
- Rick Mercer Presents: The Kyoto Accord.
- Sophie, the insignificant, stereotypical girly girl comedy show.
60% American Imports
- The Simpsons.
- Arrested Development.
- Coronation Street, although it's British.
- Wheel of Fortune.
All of which are regularly preempted for Hockey Night in Canada.
CBC news features stoic but moderately pretty people giving one side of the truth and passing it off as the whole truth. This is partly due to the fact that the liberal party spends all of their campaign funds on the CBC instead of elections. This differentiates Canadian news from other nations' news as other nations use different stoic, pretty people telling different sides of the truth (the truth can commonly be represented by 1d20, +2 versus ignorance). Also, when they report on court issues they will tell it in the way they want to, which does not always include the full story or truth. For example, in April 2009, CBC Here & Now in Newfoundland reported that a girl was charged with assaulting a woman. They failed to report that the girl had a seizure when she struck the woman, or that the woman the girl struck was a nurse. This resulted in many people discriminating the girl, thanks to CBC releasing her name, and the girl having to get a new identity and save up to leave the province.
Nonetheless, it continues to draw an audience as American news broadcasts are of even lower quality than their Canadian counterparts. This is despite the fact that American news has a hunky anchor in an expensive suit and a hotty anchoress with expensive cleavage, while the equivalent Canadian broadcast has Rex Murphy and Rita Macneil, both clad in anoraks, balaclavas, mittens and snowshoes. In addition Weather consists of an entirely non-wacky weatherman saying, "Ah jeezus by, it's frickin' cold oot today." and, bizarrely, the Sports section of Canadian news includes curling (which is like a cross between darts and bowling, but on ice and with smoking and drinking).
Also, Knowlton Nash is hot; even years after his retirement the mere mention of his name sets Canadian loins aflame.
Before Canada had its first television in 1982, Canadians had to rely on CBC Radio, which only broadcast news about agricultural subsidies and the metric system, opera music sung by a fat lady, and Air Farce.
Current CBC Radio programming includes:
- 20 hours of French based programming.
- Definitely the Oprah.
- Farm subsidy news.
- Air Farce.
- Rita MacNeil eats out.
- Rick Mercer Presents Rick Mercer on Radio: Now exclusively on Sirius Satellite Radio.
- Leather Cafe.
- Randy Bachman's Ego Trap.
- The "Unknown Canadian writer reads boring shit on air" show.
- CBC Radio 3 featuring that guy who does the podcasts.
- The Promo Girl Hour: Featuring the girl who was once on Trailer Park Boys and dated Julian.
- Smells Like Canada, featuring some guy who was once in a horrible a capella band with a stupid name.
- Let's Make Lists of Stupid Crap that is Vaguely Canadian, starring Mark "Babyface" Kelley.
- Jian Ghomeshi's Good Times Rock and Roll Show for Youths.
- Music! Like Toto, Air Supply, Rush, Gordon Lightfoot, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Anne Murray and Alanis Morissette.
Canadians that show even the slightest talent and wit on CBC...are immediately shipped to the United States to become famous millionaires. The rest remain at the CBC. This explains why the entire cast of "Royal Canadian Air Farce", "This Metric Hour Has 100 Minutes ", and "Red Green" are still in Canada, notably Alan Dipshit Park.