“Gee, it sure is boring around here!”
The CD-i was a gaming console that debuted in the early 90's. The console died within 5 seconds of its release, but has since enjoyed a healthy after life as a torture device for Guantanamo detainees.
History and Development
In early 1992, Philips decided that children were evil and had to be stopped at all costs. They brought together a development team to build a console that would cause every kid who played it to turn emo, and try to kill themselves. Phillips hired the teams behind Windows Vista, the Edsel, the Atari Jaguar, Nazism, and a two-headed retard found living in the basement of Phillips corporate headquarters. The CD-i debuted on February 3, 1993, a day marked with massive thunderstorms, doomsday floods, the Cubs winning the World Series, an outbreak of black plague, and Keanu Reeves winning an Oscar. The system got off to a roaring start in stores selling 0 units in the first ten years.
Only one man had the balls to play this he is James Rofle (Angry Video Game Nerd). No others known person has lived
The CD-i combines the exciting thrills of programing the clock on a microwave with the adrenal rush of listening to an old person ramble about the good old days. However, it is unlikely that the player would ever get to experience this no holds barred orgasm of fun, because the fucking thing failed 99.9999999999999999% of the time. Most of the time, even looking at it causes the device to spray toxic battery acid into your face. The enclosed wireless controller comes with the following disclaimer:
Warning: We had no fucking idea what we were doing when we created this abomination to heaven and earth, and therefore it is advised that all people who are offended by Racial Slurs, liquids that burn ones face and anti-religous movies should avoid this device due to possibility of long term injury. May cause vomiting, penis shrinking, seizures, liver failure, tumors, pregnancy, rejecting Jesus, joining the Klan, huffing kittens, joining the Republican party, and in most cases, death.
List of Memorable quotes
“I wonder what's for Dinner?”
“Oh boy! I can't wait to bomb some dodongos!”
“I'll grab my stuff!”
“You kill'd me!”
“I hope she made-a lots of spaghetti!”
“And you gotta help us!”
“If you need any instructions on how to get thru the Hotels, check out the enclosed instruction book.”
“All toastuhz toast toast!”
“HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND DA PRINCESS WIT DA POWUH GOIN' OUT?”
“MAYBEE DERE'S A SWITCH IN ONE A DA ROOMZ. RUHMIND ME TO CHECK!”
“WHERE'S DA PRINCESS?”
The CD-i was originally packaged with two controllers and a hand gun, however newer accessories were soon released to make the gaming experience even more unpleasant. The best selling CD-i accessory was similar to Nintendo's Powerglove, the Powercondom (tm). The player slipped the Powercondom (tm) over his dick and would jerk off to control the onscreen characters. However, if the character died, the CD-i would punish the player by castrating them. Another popular accessory was the Powerthug (tm) , which was designed to make the fighting games more realistic. The Powerthug was a large, ill tempered man who came in a box and would watch you play CD-i. Every time your character got hurt, the Powerthug (tm) would savagely beat you. Like the CD-i itself, the accessories killed more people than both World Wars combined.