CD-i

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“Gee, it sure is boring around here!”

~ Link on Playing the CD-i
It looks like a VCR and costs $700! Are you having fun yet?
King Harkinian, the most notable original CD-I character

The CD-i was a gaming console that debuted in the early 90's. The console died within 5 seconds of its release, but has since enjoyed a healthy after life as a torture device for Guantanamo detainees.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about CD-i.

History and Development[edit]

In early 1992, Philips decided that children were evil and had to be stopped at all costs. They brought together a development team to build a console that would cause every kid who played it to turn emo, and try to kill themselves. Phillips hired the teams behind Windows Vista, the Edsel, the Atari Jaguar, Nazism, and a two-headed retard found living in the basement of Phillips corporate headquarters. The CD-i debuted on February 3, 1993, a day marked with massive thunderstorms, doomsday floods, the Cubs winning the World Series, an outbreak of black plague, and Keanu Reeves winning an Oscar. The system got off to a roaring start in stores selling 0 units in the first ten years.

Critical Reception[edit]

Only one man had the balls to play this he is James Rofle (Angry Video Game Nerd). No others known person has lived

A video game critic after exposure to the CD-i

Gameplay[edit]

The CD-i combines the exciting thrills of programing the clock on a microwave with the adrenal rush of listening to an old person ramble about the good old days. However, it is unlikely that the player would ever get to experience this no holds barred orgasm of fun, because the fucking thing failed 99.9999999999999999% of the time. Most of the time, even looking at it causes the device to spray toxic battery acid into your face. The enclosed wireless controller comes with the following disclaimer:

Warning: We had no fucking idea what we were doing when we created this abomination to heaven and earth, and therefore it is advised that all people who are offended by Racial Slurs, liquids that burn ones face and anti-religous movies should avoid this device due to possibility of long term injury. May cause vomiting, penis shrinking, seizures, liver failure, tumors, pregnancy, rejecting Jesus, joining the Klan, huffing kittens, joining the Republican party, and in most cases, death.

List of Memorable quotes[edit]

The writer behind these profound sayings

“MAH BOI, this peace is what all true warriors strive FOR.

~ The King on holding up his anal stimulation finger.

“I wonder what's for Dinner?”

“Oh boy! I can't wait to bomb some dodongos!”

~ Link on having ADD

“I'll grab my stuff!”

“You kill'd me!”

~ You on Zelda

“Good!”

“Zelda's a sadistic bitch.”

“Nice of the Princess to invite us over for a picnic, Gay Luigi?”

~ Mario on Luigi being gay.

“I hope she made-a lots of spaghetti!”

~ Luigi on massive food shortages in Africa

“And you gotta help us!”

~ Luigi on You.

“If you need any instructions on how to get thru the Hotels, check out the enclosed instruction book.”

~ Mario on his secret identity, Captain Obvious.

“All toastuhz toast toast!”

~ Mario on burnt toast

“HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND DA PRINCESS WIT DA POWUH GOIN' OUT?”

~ Luigi on Stage 2 of Hotel Mario

“MAYBEE DERE'S A SWITCH IN ONE A DA ROOMZ. RUHMIND ME TO CHECK!”

~ Mario on the above comment

“WHERE'S DA PRINCESS?”

~ Mario on Stage 5 of Hotel Mario

“OBUH DERE!”

~ Luigi on the above comment

Accessories[edit]

A typical CD-i accessory

The CD-i was originally packaged with two controllers and a hand gun, however newer accessories were soon released to make the gaming experience even more unpleasant. The best selling CD-i accessory was similar to Nintendo's Powerglove, the Powercondom (tm). The player slipped the Powercondom (tm) over his dick and would jerk off to control the onscreen characters. However, if the character died, the CD-i would punish the player by castrating them. Another popular accessory was the Powerthug (tm) , which was designed to make the fighting games more realistic. The Powerthug was a large, ill tempered man who came in a box and would watch you play CD-i. Every time your character got hurt, the Powerthug (tm) would savagely beat you. Like the CD-i itself, the accessories killed more people than both World Wars combined.

See Also[edit]