CM Punk

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“What a freak!!”

~ Rob Van Dam on CM Punk

“Ummmmm i don't know.”

~ Maria on CM Punk

“Welcome to the dark side”

~ The New Breed on CM Punk

“He may be CM Punk, but i am CM Funk.”

“Dance, Dance!”

~ Fall Out Boy on CM Punk
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about CM Punk.

CM Punk a.k.a Cum-On-Me Punk a.k.a Straightedge loser is a wrestler who enjoys his stupid wrestling style


Cum Monkey "CM" Punkerton (Punk for short) was born right after Jackie Chan brutally anal raped an emo chick and CM spin-kicked his way out of her vagina. This spin-kick was taught to Chuck Norris which he later changed to the Roundhouse Kick and used to kill God. CM grew up in Chicago listening to local punk band Fall Out Boy in which he learned to be str8 edge. He then traveled to New York and was trained by Master Splinter and John Stamos. Eventually he wrestled some mexican in a strip club and impressed Vince McMahon enough to get a job. CM punk was the first wrestler in WWE history that didnt have to swallow Vince's cum to recieve employment. He was allowed to spit.

ECW Career[edit]

His ECW career was really tough. First of all he lost to everyone on the roster, then he lost the Royal Rumble by an evil donkey spirit in The Great Khali to eliminate his chances at a title. Then he lost a ladder match at WrestleMania by The Flying Spaghetti Monster Spirit in Randy Orton. Then he joined a New Breed that kept seducing him to join their orgy every Tuesday. He finally joined and he has had sex with all the members 23453145633992021 times.

CM Punk celebrated his loss of virginity with the New Breed

Quitting, Joining, and Death[edit]

Punk decided to quit the faction because he quoted:

“He gives soft fucks! ”

~ CM Punk on Matt Striker

“My grandma can even give me more STD's than you! She's not even gay!”

~ CM Punk on Monty Brown

“Black Gays aren't my type”

~ CM Punk on Elijah Burke

“His fangs scrape the skin of my penis when he is doing a blowjob!”

~ CM Punk on Kevin Thorn

“She's too Straight.”

~ CM Punk on Ariel

“HE IS GOD!!!!!!!!”

~ CM Punk on Mavero

Kevin Thorn also left because he agreed with Punk's 3rd quote. So did Ariel.

Punk joined the ECW (Extreme Cummers Wanted) Originals, and his gimmick was a Gay Str8edge Punk living in the pronography industry from the 20th Century. The New Breed with only 3 Members planned one more revenge attack on Punk. They tried many times (To be bextact, 39932723 times) but they finally succeeded at Summerslam 2007. This attack was fatal to Punk. The New Breed's leader Monty Brown gave him one last gigantic, humongoroid fuck and the STD's grew worse. He was lying on a table when Matt Striker jumped and slammed the table. Punk's last word's were "I wanna be straight." He died on August 20, 2007.


He was found dead under a tree, investigators say he was involved in a pillow fight, 3 hours before he was found dead. Police have found that his cause of death was bladder failure. Later Police spoke to Vince McMahon and he simply had this to say "I never thought that I would a certain wrestler that would die from bladder failure, it isn't a common cause of death". He has been rewarded the ECW World Championship as a present from the WWE. CM Punk is currently laid to rest beside █████ ██████.

Later I fuck his wife 😹🔫 mother fucker crying bitch alwayz cries like a baby

Post Death[edit]

  • CM Punk was awarded the Honorary "Oh my god this wrestler died lets act like we care and do a tribute show and then never talk of this wrestler again" Award.
  • He was then blended in to a new Pepsi formula called CM Pepsi Spunk. It is the most fantastic drink of all time.