CSI: Miami

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“He seems... to have stolen my... superior acting style”

~ William Shatner on David Caruso

“There was semen in the victim's mouth!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Crime Scene

“The truth.....is always......hard to swallow.”

~ David Caruso on Above Quote


~ The Who on above quote


~ Captain Understatement on quoting the above quote

“Damn i wish i was that sexy...oh well, back to making my doom maps”

~ A real CSI on CSI


~ Bob Bobertson on Chief Justice Horatio Shades

CSI: Miami is a popular TV show based on the basic formula for AXN shows:

Add filmed on a set + cool theme song + worthless actors + flabby directors + weird looking lead - Any acting talent whatsoever + ripoff of the original TV show= CSI: Miami.

This formula has been used for many TV shows such as:

  • American Idol
  • Nascar
  • Survivor
  • Lost
  • Cold Case
  • Hell, anything produced by Jerry Bruckheimer that doesn't involve secret agent guinea pigs follows this formula.
  • Survivor: WalMart
  • Survivor: Great White North
  • Survivor: Lays-bet you can't eat JUST ONE!
  • Spiderman
  • The Amazing Race
  • The Not-So-Amazing race
  • The Mediocre Race
  • The Un-Amazing race
  • The Pointless Ripoff Sunglasses Race

Breakdown of Show[edit]

First, the show begins as two crazy teenagers are about to engage in sexual activity of some sort. They are usually doing it in a place that they shouldn't, instantly heightening the viewers excitement level. Then, coming as a COMPLETE shock to the audience, the couple stumbles onto a body. But this body isn't like most bodies in reality, it's usually absurdly disgusting, with over-the-top gore effects. The female then screams, proving beyond any shadow of a doubt that that is all that women are good for. Cut to the next day, when the CSI team, including Hoaratio, finally gets there. They exchange comments about the weather and the state of the pornography community. One then makes a remark involving the victims and/or the crime, followed instantly by Horatio's perfectly timed, not at all clichéd, one-liner, and the removal and replacement of his sunglasses. Some vaguely dramatic music then plays as the CSI team pick their way through the crime scene in a way scientifically designed to incite rage and disgust from any real CSI's who happen to be watching. They will then pick up a piece of evidence and will proceed take continuous pictures of the item and the person finding the item until someone else picks up another item, this cycle then repeats 10 times while Horatio speaks in a calming manner to the woman who found the body, reassuring her that he will take full responsibility for the case. Horatio then goes away to brood in his office with his hands on his hips while the other CSI's walk up and down corridors to dramatic music and use complex machinery that the audience obviously will not understand. Gratuitous HD shots of Miami (somehow always looking orange) show up periodically. The show continues from there, somehow vaguely linking and usually misdisplaying *cough* an alternative culture to the murder, sucessfully distracting the audience from the actual supposed purpose of the show. After meeting a very complex character that is made out to the audience to clearly be the murderer, the show goes through various plot twists to keep the audience on the edge of their seat, and it is revealed the character made out to be the murderer was actually the MURDERER. The rest isn't really that important, except for the parts where Horatio talks, which is always important and dramatic. Then, you can switch the channel and watch Family Guy, but you really shouldnt because although both shows suck, CSI is actually funny.

The episodes[edit]

As CSI: Miami is actually a rip-off of Friends and Survivor, it calls all of it's episodes "the one with..." and whatever season it belongs to. An example would the episode of Season 1 about a detective's lesbian life partner committing a mass murder in New York. It was called ""1:3 The one with the intricate plot involving the cast of CSI: New York as they go to New York to find the detective's lesbian life partner who committed mass murder because someone told her that she smells like pig fat, initiating her killer instinct". (whew) The first season's episodes are as follows:

The Notorious Miami City Hall!
  • 1:1 The one with the first episode of the first season (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1:2 The one with the sprinkler (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1:3 The one with the intricate plot involving the cast of CSI: New York as they go to New York to find the detective's lesbian life partner who committed mass murder because someone told her that she smells like pig fat, initiating her killer instinct (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1:4 The one with the rubber ducky of doom (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1:5 The one with the sprinkler's girlfriend (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1:6 The one with the dead guy, who was murdered (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1:7 The one with Chuck Norris (finishing with Chuck Norris putting on Horatio's sunglasses)
  • 1:8 The one with Horatio searching for his sunglasses (finishing with Horatio crying a single tear)
  • 1.9 The one with Horatio finding his glasses (finishing with Horatio putting on his sunglasses)
  • 1.10 The one with the musical about Horatio's glasses (finishing with Horatio molesting a furry with his sunglasses)
  • 1.11 The one with the book, film and video game about Horatio's glasses (finishing with Horatio's glasses killing him and leaving to lead a life in pornographic film)

Sadly, the scriptwriters couldn't think of anything else to write and were subsequently fired before they had a chance to make "The one with another cameo appearance".

Character's Problems[edit]

Most of the stories circle around the characters problems.

Horatio is played by Caruso, who was preparing for the part for about 12 years. After ten years he finally managed to get the glasses off. But then something amazing happened. An angel appeared to him and bestowed upon him one wish, anything in the entire world could be his. He received the power of say-all-the-cheesy-lines-you-can-while-The-Who-jump-in-for-no-reason.

Horatio spent his childhood in the mountains of Nepal learning from fire demons (hence his obvious flaming GINGERVITIS). Whilst in training he learned the art of telepathy. He is a prodigy in this field. His mental prowess so intense he needs to wear sunglasses all the time to reign in his powers (much like that red eyed guy from X-men). When on a particularly difficult case, Horatio will remove these glasses, and bring his formidable mind to bear on his suspects' souls, which is the secret to his case-solving abilities. Unfortunately, due to the lack of lighting in the autopsy room, he has unknowingly fried Dr. Alexx Wood's brain, as seen in her constant stoned face-look... thing. He also spent his time trying not to get bumraped by Rambo in the Jungle in First Blood. However, he survived and developed Rigor Mortis in his anus, which is why he always bends his neck like a crane whenever he talks to anyone, or whenever he has the urge to sodomize Gordon Brown. He was also shot in the face by Christopher Walken, but it caused severe brain damage which doesn't allow him to speak in full sentences.

Ryan "Mr. Wolfe" Wolfe is obviously a self-harmer after "accidentally" getting shot with a nailgun in the eye. There are many rumours circulating that he and Greg Sanders (from CSI: CSI) have been having an affair for the past four years. There is also the theory of them being clones of one another.

Calleigh suffers from excessive use of ecstacy (explaining her constant smiling and incredibly annoying accent). Was first fucking a guy named Jake Berkley but for onknown reasons Calleigh suddenly decided to take someone who has a Cuban "sigar" so she want to fuck Eric Delko altough he has a ugly face. Later when she discoverd that Eric was a womensmen and shot "accidentally" Delko. Later realizing that she had lost her cuban sigar.

Eric Delko suffers from having a big mouth and jaw. No wonder he's so ugly. Shockingly he had his brains blown out by a sniper rifle. He was back at work three days later with the only side effect being hallucinations and reading difficulties. However these could be attributed to his addiction to the fingerprint powder.

Frank Tripp is the Horatio's unwitting pawn in the game of life, always unintentionally setting him up for a one-liner.

Marisol Delko Caine suffers from breast cancer (real problem in the real series). She later suffers a sniper round to the chest, from which she has died a horrible death! YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Eric punches marisol's womb, Thus aborting their child.

Natalia Boa Vista suffers from seeing too many guys and being suffocated by having a thin waist and big boobs.

Tim "Speed" Speedle is made of pure awesome and did not in fact die, but went deep underground to avoid one of his many, but more creepy, stalkers, a suspected Greg Sanders impersonater with AIDS. said stalker took his place and is basically useless to the plotline. his joining of the cast dropped the shows ratings by 900,000,000,000,000,000 percent after Speed left.

Antonio Riaz suffers from being Latino.

They don't give a [email protected]#ing sh!t about who died; they just want to find a friggin blood sample so that they can go get a promotion and spend it on easter bunny baby suits. Obviously.

Awards and accolades[edit]

While the cast of CSI Miami have been widely criticised for their lack of acting talents, critics praised the recent musical episode of the show, despite many fans seeing it as a sign the show had 'jumped the shark'. David Caruso even won the 'William Shatner award for Outstanding Vocal Performance by a Television actor'. Shatner himself compared Caruso's singing to his own in 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds', a classic widely regarded as the finest version of that song yet performed, a high compliment indeed for Caruso.

The Issue about the Sunglasses[edit]

Here.. he goes.... again.

David Caruso is famous for his customary sunglasses, which have grown on his face, and need to be surgically removed every 3 months.

See also[edit]

UnNews:David Caruso's tears found to cure blindness