Call centre

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A typical call being centered in Bangalore, India

Call centres are places where people who like to take abuse at the hands of complete random strangers prefer to spend their time. They are staffed by masochists, electricians, dwarves and halflings from West Virginia, Spain, India and Philippines whose only qualification has to be that they speak and understand very little English. This is a necessary skill to help them annoy, frustrate and anger the hell out of rich dedicated consumers.

Most people who work in Call Centres are massively medicated or become alcoholics. This usually happens after the intense experience encountered when using the wonderful contact and documentation program called CS3. However, the West Virginian sect are usually drunks even before they get to work and, of course, have the fewest teeth.

The organization was started by some former Call Centre employees.

Call center agents are the phoniest of all people you've ever known. They are the worst fakers. They talk and act like happy gay people who are so confident and who are so damn obsessed with themselves and money. It sucks they've been earning large amounts of money for such a crappy job. They already have coins growing in their foreheads.

And besides, it's stupid to nag people to something they do not want. They are pushers. Call Centre agents are the worst people on Earth. Their faces deserve to be printed in a hundred pesos bill for their heroism. Indeed, the world doesn't need junks.

Many call centres have attempted to use VoIP technology for their telephony solution, always without success and always resulting in personal injury.

Those who work in call centres have absolutly no hope in life and want to die every second that they are at work. They also say 'please' at the end of every sentence for no apparent reason. People that work at call centres usually have to ask for permission to go to the bathroom. Said permission, however, can be denied, but permitted after taking another call.

The Agents who work at call centres are easily fooled as well. They are required by law to believe anything you say, since you, the customer, are always right. This can make for good times if you remember to implement a plan involving lying about your gender/sexual orientation and use it to hit on them/bug them/swear at them. If not, you may feel free to just hang up when you hear the click that designates that someone from India has your phone number.

Automated Answering Machines[edit]

Callers to client companies typically are greeted by the following automated answering machine recordings before transacting with the call centre agent.

"Hello, thank you for calling, you've reached the shithole Company That Doesn't Give a Rat's Ass About You customer- helpline. For assistance in paying bills, press one; to receive product information, press two; if you have a problem with our product, press three; if none of these options apply, press four and your call will be disconnected leaving you to aimlessly wander around in a desperate last ditch effort to resolve your issue... and maybe, maybe we might just patch you through with one of our agents."


UCMS is a 'special' kind of soul destroying, bottom feeding, self serving outsourcing type call centre. UCMS is managed primarily by assholes and has a reputation for causing irreversable damage to the mental health of otherwise healthy individuals. The company director also stands accused of being one of the undead. See zombie

Recently, UCMS was purchased for $3.85 by a multinational. News of the merger sent share prices rocketing to the highest point since floating, a record 7 cents!

This very much pleased the purchasing injuns who immediately began celebrations 'liberating' a large number of employees.

What does UCMS stand for?[edit]

1. U Cant Manage Shit

2. U Cunts Must Suffer

3. Unbelievable Crappy Management System

4. Unfair Corporate Mumbai Standards

UCMS Employees[edit]

Call Centre employees usually fall into 4 main categories:


2.Small Axe-Weilding Mystical Creatures



UCMS has a collection of all 4, however for some reason, this particular organisation has extreme examples of each and many employess that are nearly impossible to categorise. Lets meet some of the agents...

The ?

The ?

The UCMS Toilets[edit]

Like a modern day market place where all kind of delights can be bought, sold and traded.

whilst not suggesting that the company knowingly allows or encourages Prostitution or Kitten Huffing to occur in the work place, some noticeable examples of toilet shenanigans include:


2.Illegal Firearms Dealing




6.Grue Attacks

UCMS Related Health Issues[edit]

UCMS Syndrome:

Death: The only way permanent escape from UCMS can be achieved. Agents have plenty of time while bonded to their desks to ponder some very creative (and effective) ways of topping oneself and still achieving KPI for the hour. See HowTo:Commit Suicide for some great suggestions.

Drug Dependency:

Dwarfism: The phenomonen that is UCMS dwarfism has been the subject of much scientific research and debate.

Current consensus suggests that this type of acquired dwarfism is caused by the weight of unrealistic targets dumped on the agents which provides continual downward pressure and force. This causes every aspect of the employee to shrink to midget like stature.

If you are working here, you should be concerned about Dwarfism. Victims suggest that the first thing to shrink is the will to live. If you notice youre will to live is on the demise, seek a new role immmediately! See:HowTo:Get A Job

Venereal disease Let's face it... call centre agents are sluts by their very nature. Interestingly, this is not the root cause UCMS related VD. UCMS related VD is allegedly caused by the constant bareback sodomy (no lube!) inflicted upon agents and other staff members by the management team.

Exccessive Fromunda Production:

External links[edit]