Camilo Sesto

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Camilo, passed out drunk, but with his eyes open.
Camilo Blanes Cortés
Camilo Blanes Cortés
Date of birth: 16 September 1946
Place of birth: Alcoy, Alicante, Spain
Nationality: Spanish, obviously
Died 08 September 2019
Known for Being a drunk
Occupation Singer, drunkard
Religion Alcohol
Spouse Amy Winehouse, 2009-2011 (her death)
Children Camilo Blanes (illegitimate, born 1983)
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Camilo Sesto.

“Shall we drink until our livers rot, my dear?”

~ Camilo Sesto on Amy Winehouse

“I think they already have done...SNRRRRRRRRRF

~ Amy Winehouse on falling asleep in the middle of a sentence

“Is he a man or a woman?”

~ You on Camilo Sesto's surgeries and vocal range
Camilo Sesto's only son, also named Camilo.

Camilo Sesto, originally named Camilo Blanes Cortés, is a Spanish singer, best known for his alcoholism. Also well-known for being thisclose to sharing a birthday with his beautiful wife[1] and drinking buddy, Amy Winehouse. It is also quite well-known that he wears a wig, because how do you expect a man over sixty to have that much hair? Also, he has done too much surgery to his face, which frankly makes him repulsive, but as Amy was drunk, she didn't care.

His life[edit]

Camilo Blanes Cortés was born 16 September 1946, in the town of Alcoy, in the province of Alicante, situated in Spain. His mother, father and neighbors were a bunch of unemployed drunks. Supposedly, he was the sixth member of his family,[2] so for about two seconds he called himself "Camilo Sexto" but this could have been a mistake since nobody was really keeping count. So, like two seconds later, for reasons unknown, he changed the spelling to "Sesto."

In the 1960s, he made a career out of making albums that nobody cared about. What a shame, because he used to have a lovely voice.

In 1975, he did a movie that was the Spanish version of Jesus Christ Superstar. He was Jesus, for obvious reasons. He also did all the music in this production, including one called Getsemaní (Gethsemane), in which you can hear some impossibly high pitched screams. Is that his own voice? Or are women helping him sing?

Later, in a terribly awkward song, there is a mondegreen. The song is called Amor mio, ¿qué me has hecho? (My love, what have you done to me?) and the mondegreen is in the first lyric:

“Un extraño chico me domina...”

~ "A strange boy dominates me," which was taken to mean homosexual relations.

But the actual lyric was:

“Un extraño hechizo me domina...”

~ "A strange enchantment dominates me," which is something entirely different...

With that cleared up,[3] Camilo went to Mexico in 1987, and promptly commenced having sexual relations with a random fan. Later that year, the fan gave birth to a boy, and somehow, Sesto took the child away from her.

In 2009, Camilo Sesto married Amy Winehouse, just after her divorce was finalized. But then she died in 2011, so now Camilo was without a drinking buddy. In her memory, he is keeping Jack Daniels in business, for it was her favorite drink.

In 2011, Sesto made what was supposed to be a comeback tour, but turned out to be a farewell tour. You see, he was running out of money... so he also decided to make a live album. It turns out that everyone who came to his last concerts just went there to have a laugh at his expense, as Sesto was drunk the whole time. Basically, he screamed a few words, forgot the rest, and unsuccessfully attempted to remain standing. Eventually he just gave up and looked for something to drink.

In 2003, he got a liver transplant, and since alcohol is a cruel taskmaster, he never did become sober.

Death[edit]

On 08 September 2019, Camilo Sesto was more dead than usual after so many years of alcohol abuse. His kidneys said, "Hasta la vista, you're on your own, dude." He was 72 years old, and missed his 73rd birthday by a week.

Songs in other languages[edit]

Camilo Sesto singing a duet with one of his backup singers. Two seconds later, he breathed in her face and she became drunk.

Camilo Sesto has recorded songs in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, and German. The YouTube links in this article are in Spanish, so here we will just pay attention to other languages.[4]

  • Bêbado (Drunk). An autobiographical song in Portuguese.
  • Subenestruchenbachen. German, an ode to the awfully confused metro in Mexico.[5]
  • Eu te comi (I fucked you). A love song in Portuguese to that random fan who bore his child.
  • Aiutami a bere questo whisky (Help me drink this whiskey). Italian, dedicated to his beloved wife, Amy Winehouse.

Nobody cared.

Did you know?[edit]

What a shame that this cute child eventually became...a dog's breakfast.
  • All of his bodily emanations are alcoholic.
  • That is to say, his breath is not carbon dioxide, but alcohol fumes. His urine is alcohol, his tears are alcohol, his sweat is alcohol, his blood is diluted in alcohol, and probably his sperms swim around in alcohol. Or maybe all the sperms are dead from alcohol poisoning. It is none of my business, or yours. XD
  • If you spell 'Sesto' with a 'c' you end up with 'cesto', which means 'basket'.
  • Unfortunately, if you add 'in' at the beginning, you end up with 'incesto', and my friends, you don't need to learn Spanish to know what that means.

Cloverfield, in summary.[edit]

Notes[edit]

  1. Just kidding, he was actually never married
  2. 1 and 2-parents. 3, 4, and 5-siblings. 6-Camilo.
  3. This is an anachronism, "Amor mio, ¿qué me has hecho?" was actually recorded in 1991.
  4. Oh, fuck it, who needs a note here.
  5. Actually, it is a pun on the (Spanish) phrase Suben, estrujen, bajen, which means Get on, rattle, get off.