Canadians: A Retrospective

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“Où est la bibliothèque?”

~ A Canadian on Canadians, probably.

“La bibliotheque est ici, fou!”

~ A Canadian describing the fact that they are both standing in the library.

Canadians, Preamble[edit]

Trudeau: Canadian for Sexy

People from Canada are Canadians. There is not much more to it than that. Go get a map, locate the USA and go north a bit. There. See that big country? That is Canada. People from there are Canadians.


~ John A. MacDonald on Canada

Really Early Origin[edit]

The very first Canadians, or Native Canadians, came to Canada thousands of years ago to get away from the perils of being warm[1].

Early Origin[edit]

Canadians, or Canadianus beerbellius[2], are the descendants of castaways of two pasty European nations, England and France.

Back in the day, England and France each had one problem: French people and English people, respectively. While their first solution to the problem (varying degrees of war with each other, themselves, and other countries) had successfully led to the death and mangling of untold thousands over the centuries, neither country had yet managed to annihilate the other.

A new solution had to be found. Great minds in both countries sat and pondered, eventually coming up with the brilliant ideas of more war and bigger war. These were tested on a small scale but proved unsatisfying, unsuccessful and unsomethingelse.

War, unfortunately, had two crippling disadvantages; dead people from war, and protests from the people who would end up as dead people in the next war.

A paint-by-numbers map of Canada. Note: #1 = white

A new new solution had to be found. Lesser minds from both countries sat and pondered, trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma. After many hours of boozing and whoring, they hit upon the solution; send the unhappy people away. This would minimize their annoying whining "on the home front" and if war came, as it inevitably would, the dead would not be around to stink up the place. They would instead stink up some other place. Preferably some place far away...and what place was farther away than Canada?

At that time, the region was populated primarily by natives of Canada, some of whom had wacky ideas like "democracy" and "letting chicks out of the house". The "old world" would soon put and end to that foolishness, yessiree!

Britain, unaware of France's plans, sent some of its people to the east coast of Canada. France, unaware of the plans of the English, sent some of its people to that very same coast. The east one. Of Canada. the time, neither side suspected the hilarity that would ensue...

Later Early Origin[edit]

The occupants of the British part of Canada, known as Upper Canada, promptly started to annoy the occupants of the French part of Canada, known as Lower Canada, by loudly stomping around the second floor of the country in heavy-soled shoes. The French returned fire by partying, playing music at full blast on weeknights and spilling wine in the foyer and leaving it for the English to clean up.

Meanwhile, the original natives of Canada, or godless savages, were glad to have these foreigners come over and take away their land by force or by stealth, as in exchange they got both marginalization and small plots of land, rather than the giant plot of land that they originally possessed. Eventually they also got more marginalization and their small plots of land were upgraded to be even smaller (yay).

The British Canadians, or "White Trash", and the French Canadians, or "Quoi du Beurre"[3], of course, eventually resorted to war. Soldiers die easy; old habits, however, die hard.

The victory of British forces at the Plains of Abraham was ensured once they had taken the picnic tables. This made up for the loss of their kite in the trees earlier in the battle.

A Concise History of the War Between the Canadians of Upper and Lower Canada[edit]

Britain won. France, not so much.

Ebony and Ivory[4][edit]

After the British (in Canada) defeated the French (also in Canada) at the Plains of Abraham[5] they (the British, still in Canada) planned, plotted and connived to ensure that the remaining French citizens would never be unhappy again. In this, they were absolutely and totally successful.

Origin of the Modern Canadian[edit]

Britain eventually bored of beavers, trees, and beaver and tree related merchandise, selling the now unprofitable Canada to the residents thereof: Canadians. Then, following a couple of world wars and a decade called the 60's, the modern Canadian emerged.

Canadians, Finally[edit]

Canadian female, mostly. Mostly Canadian, not mostly female.

After Britain sold Canada to the Canadians, people from a now independent Canada, known as Canadians, managed to stumble into the modern era of democracy, human rights and cable television without violence, for the most part[6].

This means that the average Canadian has a profound dislike for war, especially any war that occurred after Korea as, at best, Canada was only peripherally involved.

After taking part in couple of world wars, known as World War I and World War II, however, Canadians are surprisingly good at blowing shit up. Especially Halifax[7]. For this reason few countries mess with Canada, unless they have shit that needs to be blown up and lack the will or the resources to do so.

During the 1960s, the demographic of the average Canadian changed considerably. Before that time Canada almost exclusively imported white people, eventually buying people from as far east as eastern Europe when the UK and France ran out of people that they didn't need, and all of those were white, though less so than those from Canada's mother countries. In desperation the Canadian government changed from importing mostly from Europe to importing from all over the world.

This lead to the fact that a modern Canadian may occasionally have yellow, swarthy or brown skin, possibly topped off with a jaunty turban! Some Canadians aren't even (gasp!) Christians and about 1/6th have no religion at all.

Strangely, they seem to get along, for some unknown reason.

Rachel McAdams: 100% Grade-A Canadian female. She's dreamy. *swoon*

The Unknown Reason Why Canadians Get Along, Known![edit]

America. Simple really. Both their proximity to Canada[8] and the general American-ness of Americans have, from the very beginning, forced Canadians to huddle together. In addition, they huddle together for warmth.

And for sex.

However, that is beyond the scope of this article.

Essentially Canada has produced Canadians that are Canadian because if they were not they would be Americans. Canadians, like most people of nations that are not the USA, do not want to be Americans. In addition, like the citizens of most other nations, Canadians think that they are better than Americans.

Luckily, by focusing only on the worst stereotypes of America, via American films, television programs, and anecdotal stories about American tourists, Canadians have set the bar rather low for what it takes to be better than Americans.

Even more luckily, Americans have lowered the bar even further by consistently living down to the stereotype. Recently, for reasons unknown even to them, they've tilted the lowered bar to the right. See Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, et al, for excellent examples of this phenomenon.

Canadians and their future in Canada, which is where they're from, and the world, which in a greater sense they are also from[edit]

The most important thing about Canadians, indeed, the single and only thing about them that matters at all whatsoever, is that at this very moment, while you're sitting there reading this very sentence here before you right now, is that also at this very same moment in time Canadians, from their secret base, Canada, are plotting to steal your girlfriend, if you have one, and if you don't that's really not a bad reflection on you because you are a fine, upstanding gentleman with good teeth and a winning personality or, if you're a girl, then they plan to steal your man or, if you're gay or bisexual then they will, at some as yet undefined point in the future, steal the one, or ones, that you love, and while doing so will also raid your refrigerator, divesting it of those especially plump and juicy strawberries that you picked up, as well as your last beer too, even if it's that Dutch brand in the green bottle that, notoriously, some people think is German, or perhaps they will just use this page and pages much like this one, but specifically this one and not any other ones, to export illegally long sentences by simply and sneakily tricking you into reading them.


  1. Creationist version: The very first Canadians, or Native Canadians, were put on Canada by God six thousand years ago to hunt dinosaurs. The dinosaurs were put there (also by God) to be hunted by Canadians. Later Britain and France (under God) sent people (who worshiped God) over to Canada to civilize the pagan right out of the natives. The dinosaurs were by that time, sadly, no longer alive. Although this made them easier to hunt it was found to be less satisfying to do so, and the practice was quickly abandoned.
  2. Canadians are unaware that their Latin name contains the word anus. It is considered impolite to laugh at this. Funny, but impolite.
  3. "Quoi du Beurre" translates roughly as "What of the Butter". Don't fret if you don't understand. It is part of French-Canadian culture to be incomprehensible to non-Quebecers.
  4. Or, to be more accurate, "Ivory and Ivory".
  5. For more information on the battle at the Plains of Abraham, see "A Concise History of War Between the Canadians of Upper and Lower Canada".
  6. Outbreaks of violence are generally limited to hockey, both in the games themselves and during or after conversations about those games.
  7. Actually, it wasn't really their fault. Some sleepy French sissies in a ship full of explosives got lost in the fog.
  8. In some places Canada and the United States of America almost touch each other. Ewwww...cooties!

See also[edit]


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