Candy Mountain

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“Let's go to Candy Mountain, Charlie!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Candy Mountain
Ĉåʼnđŷ Mŏũņťäĩń
The United Socialist Republic of Candy Mountain
Candy Mountain
Motto: I want candy!
Anthem: "O Great Candy Mountain"
Capital St. Hersheysburg
Largest city Choclativ
Official languages Engrish, Afrikaans
Government Fascist Republic
Ruler Baby Ruth
National Heros General Gobstopper, Admiral Nerds, Air Force Commander Laffy Taffy
Currency Cando
Religion Candaala
Candy Mountain, as depicted by an anonymous sculptor.

Candy Mountain is a magical land where lollipops grow like daisies and chocolate flows like a river. There are gumdrops on every street corner and the supply of Jolly Ranchers are copious. But behind this wondrous, sugar-coated environment is a corrupt, fascist government led by the military dictator, Baby Ruth. He uses the wondrous candy parks and pavillions to hide his secret plans to build a porno factory on St. Charles Place. He also has a scheme to conquer the Mediterranean with a tongue cannon. The cannon fires breasts into the sky so everyone in Candy Mountain gets to have sex.


Candy Mountain was first settled by the nomadic Fructosians in 2887 B.C. The area was perfect for a new society, as it was situated between the Hershey and Mars Bars rivers. They cultivated M&M's and domesticated the gummi worm and gummi bear. During this time, they were also able to establish connections with the Babelonian and Uncyclopedian empires. This peace and tranquility would last for another 2000 years.

However, all would not be well, as in 233 B.C., Legionnaire Busta Rhymes of the Roman empire laid down his mad raps and annexed Candy Mountain. They would then be forced to grow fruits and vegetables until they were freed by Attila and his Huns in 430 A.D. Unfortunately, Candy Mountain was then taken by the Byzantines in 503 A.D., and would then be forced to produce wheat until 1203 when the Ottomans captured Candy Mountain and renamed it al-Möunţǽne`ed Ćàndī, or The Mountain of Candy. The candy mountainers were then forced to make cymbals that they wore on their heads, to show that the Ottomans defeated them. Their superiors could also hit these symbols either because the Candy Mountainers weren't working hard enough, or just for the fun of it.

In 1920, the Ottoman Empire dissolved and Candy Mountain was independant once again. They began to have feeling of nationalism and pride of their country, as they were finally free from years of oppression. The coprophage Baby Ruth rose to power in 1933, and a fascism government was installed. After being conquered by countries for so many years, they adopted a new philosophy based on the works of the great thinker, Yakov Smirnoff:

“In Soviet Russia, Candy Mountain conquers YOU!!'”

~ Russian Reversal on Candy Mountain

Baby Ruth befriended Benito Mussolini, and Candy Mountain became an ally of Italy. When WWII broke out, Candy Mountain was eager to fight and conquer lands for their own. After capturing an area equivalent in size to a billboard and a Kwik Shop, Winston Churchill and his boys began to pound Italy into submission. With this occurence, Baby Ruth was quoted as saying, "Fuck this, we're siding with Russia!"

Candy Mountain Today[edit]

Candy Mountain was once a well-populated and universally loved place.

Song writer Harry McClintoc went so far as to compose a song about it. (Lyrics below)

"One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning

Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning

I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains

So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright

Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night

Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day

On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs

And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs

The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay

Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow

Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks

And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks

The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind

There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too

You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin

And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in

There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks

I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day

Where they hung the jerk that invented work

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains."

Unfortunately, the amount of tourists to this lovely vacation spot are dwindling, as many complain of being drugged and having their kidneys removed. (See Charlie the Unicorn.)

See Also[edit]