Captain Cook

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“You'll always be my baby”

~ David Cook

Captain Cook, born Thomas Cook Ltd in 1932, is a culinary super hero and travel entrepeneur. He is best remembered for single-handedly defeating the Nazis with a spatula and a greased monkey. He is often mistaken for Alan Greenspan.

Captain Cook the crime-fighter, sans severed arm


Born to James T. Kirk and his wife Cookie Monster in the tiny village of London, Cook enjoyed cooking from an early age. His first creation, the dog turd sandwich was a huge hit with his family and later became the staple diet of his village. After attending the School of Hard Knockers he went on to the Over-rated Tossers' Culinary School, under which he was brutally and repeatedly violated with a banana by Gordon Ramsey.

But in 1991 the travel bug infected him, thanks to a chance encounter with Elton John in a very, very, very dark alley. Over the next 5 years he travelled the world, and finding numerous exotic places, initially as an ensign for the Royal Merchant Navy, before finally attaining the rank of captain. His discoveries included Australia, New Zealand, Puerto Rico, France, the Land of the Giants, Birmingham, and Hull. Using a self-titled holding company, he successfully purchased all of these places, only to have them taken away by the Man.

Frustrated, he returned to the culinary arts. During a freak accident involving a microwave, Martha Stewart and a penguin he was rendered incontinent incapable of feeling pain. Inspired by his newly acquired skills, he created the Captain Cook alter-ego and vowed to defeat crime through cooking.

Since that day he has armed himself with a severed arm that holds a basting brush, and has prowled the urban jungles of Gotham City, fighting crime and jive talking to Batman.

His catch phrase is: "Time to fry me up some booty!"

Superhero skills[edit]

Captain Cook's superhero skills include:

  • Unable to feel pain
  • Wisks batter at the speed of sound
  • Able to fart pure orange juice to a distance of 700 feet
  • Falling for a complete bitch and marrying her
  • Able to withstand any amount of bad cooking (see above)
  • Similar to that of an Ninja
  • It's said that Captain Cook's power is somewhere between ninjas and Cuck Norris, possibly Over 9000.


As with any superhero, Captain Cook is susceptible to very bizarre and outlandish attacks. These include:

  • Can be melted at just over room temperature
  • Addicted to kitten huffing
  • Dies if his chef's hat is removed
  • Being eaten by whole tribes.


Captain Cook's arch-enemies include:

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People named "Captain"

America - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Raccoon - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video