“ He is a bit brave..”
“ He's courageous!”
“ I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind!”
Captain Courageous is the heroic defender of Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Though not all three at the same time as this is impossible even for a superhero. His amazing superpowers include the ability to lead men into raging battle, the courage of a thousand kamikaze, and the stubbornness of a hundred mules, or so it is claimed mostly by himself.
Captain Courageous was born into a poor, but very brave, family in 1934. Despite its bravery, the family was still starving to death, so they decided to bravely leave the baby Captain in the woods during a courageous nature hike. Fortunately, a herd of valiant goats and mules came by just a few minutes later and rescued the babe, thus beginning the journey toward herodom.
Nourished by the sweet but strong goodness of the milk of the wild mule, the Captain quickly grew into a brave young man. He learned the ways of stubbornness and strength from his many head-butting contests with his brother goats, and learned the art of Courage from a small, chemically active mushroom he happened to eat one day that caused
his penis to grow 3 sizes him to become extremely brave. He also gained the ability to get 100% complete on Though the Fire and Flames on expert difficulty on Guitar Hero 3.
Captain Courageous has provided inspiration and a sense of courageous wonder to millions of people the world over, especially recipients of meningitis vaccines, for which he has created a special line of glorious stickers to fortify his youthful followers against the perils of having needles stuck in them. He also served a brief stint as a DARE officer.
In 1998 Captain Courageous managed to avoid the flu while single-handedly defeating a stomach pain by bravely relieving himself in the form of what the public knows as a "Number 2". Witnesses claim "It was disgusting"; an onlooker also stated "No one should do that in public"; but another responded: "They's talkin' crap."
In 2003, Captain Courageous single-handedly rescued 10 small rabbits from the clutches of Satan, with a quick wallop to the face of the Devil himself. He later stated in an interview "that idiot ain't got nothin' on this" and flexed his arms, blowing out both of his muscles.
His status as a superhero has never been in doubt, except from the testimony of reliable witnesses.
Captain Courageous has thousands of arch-enemies, but his most notable enemies are the ones he hasn't pummeled yet:
- The Raspberry Rippler
- Boy Bands
- People with bigger abs
- Captain Afraid
- The Sony Ericsson brand
- Taco Bell
- Hardcore Dancers
- The Cowardly Lion
- The Diabolical Dr. Green Eyes
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Santa Clause
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