“No, No, I am God”
“I am certainly NOT gay”
“I am NOT captain denial!!!!”
The Tale of the No-animal
Dennis D. Doormat is not an ordinary man. He never was, even though he became a superhero only when he was 35-year-old. He was special in a way that he had a perfect sense to buy and wear the ugliest clothes the world has ever seen. He was born and lived in his entire life in New Ork City. On 17 July 2003. he decided to go on a walk in the Central Park. During his walk he encountered the no-animal.
The no-animal is one of the creatures that came into life during the nuclear gardening in Chernobyl. The majority of scientists believe that the no-animal started as a cat. However, it should have been a very long cat, because the beast is more than 2 meters long (but only if you straighten it). Its body takes the shape of the word "NO", the legs and innards are on and in the N-part of the body, and the deformed head takes up almost the O-part. Huge fangs stick up from its mouth and it emits a big dose of radiation. It's very aggressive, too, if there is something it doesn't like, it attacks in a moment. Definitely the being you wouldn't keep as a pet. It was taken to the USA by the FBI not much after the Chernobyl events. It was kept locked for more than a decade, when it managed to break free. It settled in the Central Park and soon it met Dennis.
The no-animal stood still for seconds, because the level of ugliness Dennis' clothes reached was something it never seen nor could imagine. Then it decided that Dennis and his clothes are things it doesn't like. After a loud war-cry it jumped onto Dennis.
Yes, he got bitten. Yes, he gained his superpowers from this radioactive bite. Quite a cliché, isn't it? However, it wouldn't be if certain comic book writers had a bit more fantasy in their head.
Anyway, let's continue the story:
After the bite, it was Dennis who screamed. Though, it was not caused by aggressiveness, but pain. And in this climax, the no-animal's heart stopped. The information its eyes transmitted about Dennis' dress got through the aggressive part of its brain and reached the part where the other functions took place. What happened there could be best described with system failure. The no-animal's mind was not able to treat the information and collapsed.
Dennis thought the best would be to forget all about these. So he walked home and threw himself into oblivescence.
The next day, Dennis went to work. As many times before, he again had to sustain the railings of his colleague, Verie E. Vil. Vil constantly called him a faggot due to his dress. And there it was: on 18 July 2003, Dennis D. Doormat had enough. He yelled: "I deny that I'm a fucking faggot!" Suddenly, white light filled the room and Dennis was no longer a faggot.
He became a homosexual.
Needless to say, Vil burst into laughter. What is needed to say that Vil laughed insomuch he had a heart attack, which killed him. This means Captain Denial is so hardcore, he caused two creature's death before he even noticed his superpowers.
Superpowers Are Not As Simple
Dennis really quickly fathomed the mistery, compared with his limited brain capacity. After a few unsuccessful tryings (such as: "I want white light around me so the people nearby can have a heart attack!", "I want to have a better job!", "I want two cows!", "Then just a little beer, please!"), he said: "I deny that I don't have a drink!" A white light came again, and a glass of chlorhydric acid materialised in his hand. Dennis was very happy.
Obviously, he didn't noticed that his superpower is not quite straight as any comic book reader would expect. It seemingly granted him what he wanted, but never in a way that would be of any help.
He quickly found out his next wish: "I deny that Arnold Schwarzenegger is stronger than me!"
Now, this wish should have resulted in Arnold having muscles big as a noodle. But it didn't. The only thing the Superpower of Denial can't do is harming a politician. Why? Because politicans have so great ability in denial, fib and lying that they are simply invulnerable of these kinds of attacks. And the Governator is definitely a politician. So, the only way to fulfill the wish was giving Dennis almost unlimited strength.
Dennis felt satisfied. Then he looked at his ankle and saw the scar the no-animal "produced". The next wish was clean-cut. He couldn't have an ugly scar on his perfect body. "I deny that I have a scar on my ankle!" he said. And with that sentence he healed a scar and "healed" his superpower, too. Due to the fact that the power lay in the scar itself.
After fifteen minutes of using, he lost his power forever. The only thing he had left is his superhuman strength.
Good luck or bad luck, nobody knows, the security cameras filmed everything that happened in the office. And the man who is employed to watch the recordings did not hesitate, he passed on the film to the press.
During that time, Dennis realized the loss of his power. When he saw himself on the TV (literally, and in the news also) and saw the world doesn't know about the "accident", he decided that he will pretend to be a real superhero, so he started to work out the way he will act while on mission. See below what he found out.
Powers and Abilities
Actually, this is the only superhuman stuff the Captain owns. He is strong enough to lift up a car, however he is not the brightest light on the Christmas tree. And somebody said "The pen is mightier than the sword especially if that pen is Peter North's", so in a nutshell: he can be fooled quite easily. And when he is fooled, it makes him angry and he smashes something. He would turn green, too, if that wasn't run counter to the copyright laws.
The Three Tormenting Steps Of Denial
“Man is always better in destruction than in construction.”
Corresponding to the wise-stuff, the Captain worked out pretty quickly this method of fighting.
Step 1 - The Frightening Appearance
The purpose of this step is to scare the villain by the fact that he/she encountered the mighty Captain Denial, and by the fact that the Captain still chooses the most horrific clothes ever made. If the villain didn't give up by this time, the Captain proceeds to the next step.
Step 2 - The Horrifying Moments of Denial
In this phase the Captain yells the Denial Sentence: "I deny that you wouldn't need a major operation if I punched you in the face!"
To remain authentic he uses an electric torch to simulate the white light.
When this is sill not enough, the step 3 begins.
Step 3 - The Terrifying Smash
The Captain was very happy when he finished developing his "fighting art", but he soon realised that it is all worthless, because he had no archenemy, not even a supervillain to fight with. He became very sad, which is understandable, after all, there were no bad guys for him, only thieves, bank-robbers, airplane-hijackers, women-rapers, children abusers, murderers, psychopaths, slaughterers, terrorists, suicide bombers, dictators, Columbian drugbarons, and a few others. And everybody knows that a superhero never fights with people who mean threat to other people, a superhero only battles with bad guys who threaten the hero himself and who seems to die many times, but always return.
And in his greatest sadness, someone knocked on the door. It was a huge bat with a human head. The creature introduced himself as Chiropteraman or C-man for short. He told the Captain that they are "cousins", because he was bitten by a radioactive bat just as Dennis was bitten by the no-animal. C-man said that there are more people like they two. They have a fellowship and C-man came to invite the Captain into it. It is called the LOEPWGTSWTGBBARA, the League Of Extraordinary People Who Gained Their Superpowers When They Got Bitten By A Radioactive Animal.
The Captain accepted the invitation. C-man took him to the headquarters of the LOEPWGTSWTGBBARA, where he was introduced to the other members: Felisman (bitten by a radioactive cat, now looks like a cat with a human head), Arachnoman (bitten by a radioactive spider, now looks like a spider with a human head, furthermore strangely attracted to red uniforms and red-haired women and he wants a MegaJoule of energy or something like that) and Scarecrow-man (who was not actually bitten by anything radioactive and no one knows how he got there - especially not he himself without a brain -, but nobody cares).
More time passed.
It still passes.
And when this much time passed, nothing interesting happened.
A bit later, the LOEPWGTSWTGBBARA declared that they are the archenemies of Captain Denial. This happened because they noticed that while they all lack human form or intelligence or both, the Captain has awesome exterior, moreover he only pretends to have anymore powers beyond that. Being a democratic organisation, C-man convinced the others to vote against the Captain. Thus, the Captain got his proper villains. He could start his eternal campaign against them. He was happy.
- Jokes on underprivileged countries are NOT funny.
- Is there a name for that job?
- Someone jerked up at a big company.
- Indignation at the big company.
- At this point Stan Lee lost his temper.
- However, if it turned out that Toto had Japanese ancestors (those nuked bastards are capable of any sexual perversion), well, that wouldn't bring any sense into this article either...
- Again, but now for a bit longer.
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