“Show me your moods!”
“Would you like some juice or punch sir?”
“OK, just a minute sir...”
“HeeeuuuuuuAAAAAAGGGHHH! (Translation: Warlock... PUHNCH!)”
Captain Leslie Nielson Leroy Jetson Falcini III, OHMSS, OBE, PhD, LLBO, is a World War III hero, caped crusader, and professional racecar driver. He is best known for being responsible for inventing the Captain Falcon (and F-Zero by default) franchise, his trademark "Falcon Punch", "Falcon Kick", and "Falcon Ovary Smash" attacks. He is the Blazin' Azn.
Captain Falcon, originally born Bruce Campbell to Ganondorf Dragqueenmire and Hawk Girl, was a high school science teacher in Texas. Being one of the few people to actually know how quantum physics works, Falcon set about teaching physics to
George W. Bush the uneducated masses. However, when he encountered idiots like Ken Ham and his anti-science goons, Falcon almost lost his job for teaching something that might invalidate a part of the bible.
In court, Falcon's expert testimony, overwhelming evidence, and rising hotshot lawyer, Phoenix Wright, were trumped by Judge Flanders, who was obviously not being partial to the law. Both Wright and Falcon were so angry they coined their famous techniques. Wright slammed his desk, yelling "OBJECTION!" and pointing at the judge. Falcon decided to infuse some physics into the judge, so he quantized his fist, which set it ablaze, and randomly came up with "Falcon Punch!". The resulting explosion destroyed the courtroom, killed one member of the jury, killed the Kool-Aid Man, and infused science into Judge Flanders' mind. Realizing he had wasted his life, Judge Flanders started a new life as Christopher Hitchins, though he would never be able to use his liver again due to the impact. Before abdicating, he cleared Falcon of all charges and found Ken Ham guilty of being an asshat. Whenever he meets people that are stupid, he whips out the Falcon Punch to make them unstupid (or kill them if they're too dumb).
Captain Falcon never had a childhood, for always living under his alcoholic brother's shadow. What arguably brought fame to Captain Falcon was the death of his brother (Jesus Christ), in a car crash, for drunk driving. And so, with Jesus's death, Captain Falcon was able to fulfill his ultimate destiny and finish his brother's ancient project: the Universe. While Jesus spent his whole life cautiously planning a perfect, single land, Captain Falcon was one day bored and said "YO NIGGA'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SHIAAAAAT....." and gave the Universe a Falcon Punch, shattering it into trillions of pieces (of course you never expected that). And thus happened the Big Bang. Captain Falcon's current location is unknown, but it is said that he now resides in Planet Earth's nucleus, and that one day he shall rise again, and Falcon Punch the Earth into the Sun, or vice versa (for no apparent reason). And today, all that is left as proof of Captain Falcon's existence is the Captain Falcon Bible, which each days attracts more worshipers.
Captain Falcon Bible - Genesis - A15 l3 (passage)
"1. Thou shalt not attack thy opponent without asking them to show you their moves, or to COME ON!
2. Thou shalt not attack a taunt spammer, for they are the chosen people of the Captain, and are afforded his sacred protection. Do not harm them, lest you anger Captain Falcon.
3. Thou shalt not bemoan the Captain's tier standing, and blame him for a loss. It was not Captain Falcon who was too weak, it was thou.
4. Thou shalt always spam "SHOW ME YA MOVES" whenever the crowd chants for the Captain, as a sign of acknowledgement to all of his loyal fans. Thou shalt also spam this taunt if the camera is zoomed in on the Captain from a Tingle Assist Trophy.
5. Thou shalt let any Kirby who wishes to inhale and copy the Falcon Punch do as he pleases. However, if thou is attacked by this Kirby, Captain Falcon's swift judgment must be delivered to him, as he has broken the sacred bond of Master and Pupil, and shall pay for his foolishness.
6. Thou shalt not land a Falcon Punch or Knee of Justice without immediately asking thy opponent to show you their moves, unless thou has a chance to perform a Sacred Combo, in which case the taunt must be performed as soon as thou hast finished.
7. Thou shalt respect thy father, Ganondorf, as thou would respect a fellow Captain Falcon.
8. Thou shalt not allow a spammer to not show the Captain their moves if he has asked them to. If the spammer insists on using the same move, thy fury must be delivered swiftly and with good aim to the spammer until they agree to show the Captain the rest of their moves, or are killed.
9. Thou shalt use the Falcon system of measurement.
10. Thou shalt lead children along the path of the Falcon by showing them thy moves as capably as thou can, and leading them to believe that using Captain Falcon is the way to victory."
Falcon, armed with his cool new move, and all the science he could muster, decided to quit his job and take up racing. Seeing as Nascar was for rednecks he decided against joining the circut. He Built a blue bird with its wings broken upwards. He named it the Blue Falcon and as a result of the ship prones created the F-Zero Circut. It was all good till his fellow racers turned out to be some major freaks. Seeing as how constantly racing a mutant turtle and a pirate-samurai hybrid wasn't his style, He quit the leauge but kept the racer.
A year after he quit racing he met with Masahiro Sakurai for a job interview. Captain Falcon is now happily employed beating up on people half his size. He is not Asian or John McCain.
Time on the JLA
When the JLA fought the Super Mario Brothers, Captain Falcon betrayed his long-time lover Luigi and shot Mario in the head. Batman liked his style and let him join the team, even though the only reason he betrayed his friends was because he liked Superman's ass.
Eventually, he met Max Lord and they became friends. During one of his adventures with the JLA, the Fearsome five took him into a room where Max showed him pictures of Superman and Lois Lane having sex. Captain Falcon then dressed up as Captain Obvious punched dr Light in the face and joined the Fearsome Five. As captain Obvious, he kicked all of the JLA's asses. Except,Superman's which he licked.
The JLA went back to their HQ, where Captain Falcon left to join the Fearsome Five as Captain Obvious crying as he saw Superman look at naked pictures of Wonder Woman. He left the Fearsome Five after Luigi and Superman impersonator joined the team. All that preserving his extreme masculinity.
The Falcon Punch uses advanced quantum physics to ignite the hand. By using alchemy (not that gay-ass elixir of life bullshit, like manipulating the chemical elements kind), he takes in more oxygen to make the fire bigger, and controls it to form the shape of the bird. When Falcon unleashes the punch, the impact causes an infusion of science knowledge into the sulchi of the temporal and frontal cortices of most humanoid species, curing them of their stupid. The physical damage unleashes massive kinetic force to the opponent's area of being hit, instantly turning that into area of being pwned.
The damage that the FP can do ranges, largely depending on how long Falcon can hold it. Other factors include availability of matter/energy, availability of combustible materials (i.e. O2), and how pissed off Falcon can get. At minimum power, the Falcon Punch has a 110% fatality rate.
The actual damage ranges. If Falcon charges for just a second, the punch sends a person flying through the nearest wall, regardless of where the nearest wall is. If Falcon charges it for as long as he can (which is about 10 seconds at best record), the punch's kinetic force will equal the equivalent of 1.5 Mg of matter coming into contact with 1.5 Mg of its anti-matter, which is fucking huge. That's several thousand Megatons, I believe.
It has also been stated that it is a very effective method for dealing with unwanted pregnancies. Just charge up your fist and then baby-no-more.
Note: It is also believed that Falcon has an invisible flaming moustache.
Captain Falcon was so awesome they made an anime for him. Talk about cool.
He also appeared in the Super Smash Bros series of games, where many people were first exposed to him. He is the only one that announces his attack names, even though there are Asian Trading Card Battle Monsters in it.
Falcon is so cool, he has to be dropped off via racecar.
He can also kick everyone's ass.
Captain Falcon is the absolute best at scaring the hell out of you and punching you in the gut, with flames.
In Other Media
- Many YouTube videos take footage from TV shows and movies and supplement the characters dialogue with "FALCON PUNCH!" when they punch someone.
- Buster Bunny was said to have Falcon punched Babs Bunny in the face. He was sent to prison for one month for doing that.
- One of these features Bright Noa from Gundam [beating up] his own bridge crew for being stupid.
- Falcon is also believed to have been the one who taught Mario how to punch things in Super Mario 64 and also taught Little Mac how to uppercut.
- Captain Falcon was originally meant to play the main role in the movie "Yes". The frustration of being replaced led him to create his second ultimate creation: the Knee of Justice. He eventually killed Jim Carrey's entire family.