Captain Hook

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Abu Hookza the Movie

Captain Hook was the dictator of Yucatán until he was overthrown by Peter Pan with whom he had a strong rivalry because of Michael Jackson's passion for Peter, and not Captain Hook. This competence between the man and boy eventually led to Captain Hook's decapitation at the South Palace. He also was Peter Pan's father.

Early Childhood[edit]

Captain Hook was the son of Stalin and Sharon Tate. Wendy soon ran off with a young boy (this is the cause for Hook's hatred for The Lost Boys, which actually is an Oedipus Complex). At the age of five, he became the Deckwasher of a ship. Because of his superior leadership abilities and strength he was elected Captain after he murdered a crocodile which threatened the ship with his bare hands. He lost one of his hands and replaced it with a hook. But like Trap-Jaw, he can switch the hook with other useful tools like a screwdriver, a dildo, a can of anti rodent spray and a light sabre.

Pirate Career[edit]

Captain Hook married Tinkerbell, whom he met in a bordello in one of the many harbors of Neverland. However, there was not many business as a pirate as there were no other ships and the indians never used their canoes. The pirates got food by whoring themselves out to the Nymphomaniac seamermaids of Neverland.

Rise To Dictatorship[edit]

When Yucatán was blasted mexico, Captain Hook took advantage of the situation by transforming his ship into a spaceship which he named Death Star so he can destroy Alderaan. Right after this, he heard Tinkerbell was pregnant - however, his position as Dictator could not allow him to know such people anymore. Out of spite, Tinkerbell raised her child to hate Hook. Captain Hook was attacked by Peter Pan once, when he had kidnapped Wendy and her boyfriend Han Solo and made Wendy wear a metal bikini. This lead to a confrontation between him and Peter Pan. Captain Hook then revealed to Peter Pan that he was his father. Peter Pan then flew back home, crying all the way because his dad never went fishing with him. The shield generator to the Death star was destroyed by Ewoks, but nobody cares.


Captain Hook was brutally murdered by popular cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch in early 2002. Crunch claimed the attack was in self defense, despite the fact Hook was unarmed, facing the opposite direction, and asleep. Crunch viciously gouged Hook's innards out with a steel cutlass, eating his bloody intestines as if they were spaghetti, screaming "DIE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!'" while laughing maniacally. Crunch later admitted in court that the attack was not in self defense, and in fact he just got really bored one night while sailing the high seas. He boarded Hook's ship, and disembowled him for personal entertainment. Despite this revelation, Crunch was acquitted of all charges in 2003, and given a Medal of Honor for his first-degree murder.

   v  d  e
People named "Captain"

America - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Raccoon - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video