Captain Jesus

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The Cap'n posing. If you want some, just ask.

For the other captain who has messianic qualities, see Captain Jack Sparrow.

Jesus de Christo (pronounced Jesse Enfield), or, as his crew acknowledges him, Captain Jesus, is the leader of the pirate vessel, The Ark and son of famed science man Chuck Norris. Many pirates hail him as the High Seas Messiah, although most just go 'arr!' and get back to whatever they were doing before he happened to walk up to them.

Background: Teenage to Pirate[edit]

Jesus aged and became interested in life outside of Gabriel's tire shop, so he stowed away on a pirate vessel, The King Herod, and went out to sea. Unfortunately, he was discovered and thrown overboard. When he made it back to shore, Gabriel delivered terrible news to Jesus. His mother, Mary de Christo, had been found dead in a pool of blood, with a knife and a black glove laying beside her. The killer was never found.
In his high school years, he became interested in chemistry and used it to great effect. However, his greatest interest was to become a pirate, and he tried many times. And many times was he thrown overboard. One day, he came upon a pirate plagued with scurvy. Jesus felt great pity for the man, and with his great skill in chemistry, made a solution with Orange Juice, Metamucil,morphine, and Napalm. The man praised Jesus, claiming that he was a captain and owed a favor to Jesus. Jesus took advantage of this and asked for the captain's ship and crew. The captain was about to say no, but Jesus yoinked him and set sail.

Jesus and crew at a supposed 'last supper'. This fact has been disproven. This was actually a groghouse fight.

The Man, The Legend, The Pirate[edit]

Discipline was severe on the Ark

Shortly after becoming the captain of The Ark, Jesus discontinued use of his original name, outlawing it with a punishment of death. He took up the helm as Captain Jesus and began his line of work, stealing and pillaging small villages and ships.
In an early battle against the Navy cruiser, The Pilate, his ship, The Ark was shot in the left and right sides, with two major holes in the bottom. They sunk The Pilate and took refuge in a cave for three days. Captain Jesus repaired the ship with a large roll of duct tape and a few peglegs that he had harvested from his crew.
As the three days past, California believed itself safe from pirate attacks. When The Ark emerged from the cave, bystanders were struck with amazement and an innumerable amount of cannonballs.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Captain Jesus is an avid pastafarian.
  • Anyone that acknowledges him by his true name is shot in both hands and legs and then cast overboard.
  • He is often famed for turning post-supper wine into enormous amounts of urine. One such party caused an ecological disaster, harming the California coast for years to come and adding a strange yellow hue to the Pacific Ocean.
  • Mistaken for Gold Roger in anime series One Piece.
  • His beard never stops growing. In fact in 5 years his beard will be so long that it will touch earth! His beard is so big that it has its own moon, and its own population. It has 63 and a half people living on it and and about 12 elephants.
  • He recently learned how to play guitar and is now a hippie. He travels across America regularly and knows every Beatles, Bob Dylan, and The Who song there has ever been and ever will be.
  • He just learned how to time travel. He is currently teaching dinosaurs how to shake hands, high five trees, and summon comets.
  • He has the ability to summon giant whales to carry his boat. They can also fly and provide very good vocal solos for sea chants and songs.
Portrait of a messiARR. Yes, even back then they were pros at MS Paint.


Captain Jesus has known many names, and next to no one pays attention to any of them.

  • The High Seas Messiah
  • The Sea-Faring Saint
  • The ol' salty god
  • That Crazy Pirate Dude with the Strangely Familiar Name
  • The man that licked my face
  • The dude that jacked the guy's fish, and jerked his worm
  • Your Mom
  • Captain Jack Sparrow
  • Jesus Didn't Stole My Bike
  • Doctor FeelGood

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