- This article features the Captain Marvel by DC Comics. For the Marvel Comics character, see The other Captain Marvel.
“He's such a pansy. Seriously, what's the point of having the power to punch a hole through a person if you never do?”
“When I said he was a "Big Red Cheese", I was MAKING FUN OF HIM! Now everyone calls him that. Idiots.”
“I would have won if it wasn't for that nuclear missile.”
William "Billy" Batshit, better known as Captain Marvel, even better known as "that guy with the red suit who is inferior to Superman", is a well known superhero who is no longer well known. He is in actuality a child, but can turn into a superpowered adult at will, a power originally used to ward off Michael Jackson.
In ancient, almost prehistoric times, a wizard made a deal with a committee of gods. Actually, he made the deal with a sub-committee first, who then recommended the measure to the full committee for a vote. The full committee passed it on to the House of Gods for a final vote. On the final tally, the measure passed 81 to 2, with 7 abstentions and one absence (that being Bacchus, who showed up for almost nothing anyway, but still always managed to be there for the cocktail party afterward).
The wizard fought evil wearing only a robe and sandals for many years. No, I mean the wizard was wearing a robe and sandals, not the evil. Fighting only evil that happened to be wearing a robe and sandals would be something of a niche approach, wouldn't it? Where was I?
Oh, right--eventually the wizard decided that he's done enough and decided to pass his powers on to a protege. However, as it was 3,000 B.C.E.Y.P.C.P (Before Current Era, You Politically Correct Prat), the word protege hadn't been invented yet, which made it all a bit awkward. The wizard decided that it would just be easier to find someone to take over the job.
Somewhere in the back alleys of what would one day become Cleveland, Egypt, the wizard found a boy named Willy Watson, and enticed him into an abandoned subway. This has nothing to do with the story of Captain Marvel, but it gives you some insight as to what becomes of the mind of a wizard forced to fight evil for 8,000 years, while dressed only in a robe and sandals.
Discarding Willy Watson, the wizard located and decided against Lily Latson, Millie Matson, Phillida "Philly" Phatson, and Tilly Tatson. They were girls, and he was looking for a boy. (Again, nothing really to do with Captain Marvel. Why do I keep coming back to this point?)
Finally, at his wit's end (which, by this time, was only about four millimeters from his wit's beginning), the wizard located Billy Batson, the son of an immigrant merchant and an illiterate fan dancer. He appeared before the boy, saying "Say my name, child, and be granted the power of the gods!" Addled as he was, he forgot to mention his name.
Young Billy shouted "Rumplestiltskin!". In a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder, nothing happened! (Did I mention they were standing in a thunderstorm?) The wizard looked vexed.
"No, you twit, my name is 'Raxacoricofallapatorius!'" the wizard shouted.
"Who?" queried Billy.
"Raxacoricofallapatorius!" thundered the wizard.
"Raxaflaxaplatypus!" yelled Billy. "Rassinfrassingrassinsnazzfrazzer! Nebuchadnezzar! Fuhugwagadz! Yosemite Sam!"
Disappointed and tired, the wizard allowed himself to fade into oblivion. "Just no point in it," he muttered. "Just no point in it at all."
Then the wizard change the magic word. CHASAM. It means:
- C: Chuck Norris strength
- H: Hitler, Adolph fearlessnes and dickness
- A: Alvin the Chipmunk talent and voice
- S: Superman's flight superdickness
- A: Aquaman's lameness and left hand
- M: Mr T. attitude
And that is why there is no Captain Marvel.
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