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Jean-Luc Picard after he had been assimilated by the Gay Borg Collective, and given the new name La Cute Ass.


Captain Jean-Luc Picard, often mistakenly called by his screen name Sir Patrick Stewart, is the captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard is most widely known for standing up from his captain's chair and pulling his shirt down to where it should be. This is widely known as the Picard Maneuver, and is practiced by many, including his first officer William T. Riker (commonly referred to as simply "Beard"). Unlike other starship captains in the Star Trek Universe, such as Captain Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, Picard will not be seen lying on the floor of a prison cell, eating slop out of a dog bowl; he is much too proper for that shit. Instead, Picard's negative twists of fate involve firing phasers on the Klingons, straightening his shirt, and scanning debris fields for life signs. Recreational activities involve drinking Earl Grey Tea (HOT!), reading Shakespeare, fencing, deep conversations with Whoopi Goldberg, telling Wesley Crusher to STFU while trying to get into Beverly Crusher's pants, and reminding Worf not to fire photon torpedoes just yet.

Picard was born in France to parents Herman Melville, and David Copperfield. He is known to be terrified of children to the point that on seeing them cross his path, his jaw locks up and his bladder starts to lose containment. At this point he attempts to locate the nearest public convenience to relieve his troubled bladder; however, as he is normally on board a Starship of some description, this tends to prove difficult, as there are no toilets of any kind on a federation starship due to budget cuts in the early days of construction. Some crew members have been known to be more affected by this than others. Commander Riker, for example, developed a funny walk: he looked like he was about to headbutt anyone who got in his way.

Captain Picard became a Captain after the death of his previous CO (on board of the USS Stargazer), who made the mistake of manning the exploding console whose supply of TNT had just been stocked up. The moment an unexpected Klingon vessel showed up, the captain forgot the Federation was at peace with the Klingons, ordered shields to be raised, realised that was the job of the console he was manning, and hit the wrong button, thus blowing himself up. That is what the official report says, and Picard is sticking to it.

Picard's best friend Jack Crusher died in a tragic accident, cutting his own head off accidentally while shaving. This was shortly after Picard had found out that there was a good chance he was actually the real father of Jack's son, Wesley; due to a drunken liaison, both Picard and Jack had shown up with their dates (Jack's Wife, Beverly Crusher, and Picard's date was some girl whose name he couldn't remember--Cathrine Janeaway or something), wearing identical outfits. In Jack and Picard's case, they had come dressed as members of KISS; their dates had come dressed as pantomime cows. Picard is convinced to this day that the non alcoholic punch served at the party was spiked with something.

Eventually, Picard decided to trade in his tired, rusty, old, battered stargazer for something bigger and better. Starfleet was not interested in giving him something decent as a trade in, as he had over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 light years on the clock, and the only thing they were willing to trade for was an Oberth class starship that had lost its saucer section. Disgusted, Picard turned to the Ferengi for assistance. Trading the rights to the patents for the unheard-of-by-Ferengi-miracle that is a "wig", Picard attempted to gain a huge reserve of gold-pressed latinum to buy a new ship. However, these being the Ferengi, he was double crossed when they discovered he did not own the rights to the patents, and quickly engaged in a brief battle with the trading ship.

And after a long series of events that nobody really cared about, he became Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, with crew including the Badass Worf, the Smart android Data, the MILF Beverly Crusher and her Moron son, the, again, Badass William Riker, and the Sexy Deanna Troi. Their adventures were long and perilous, spanning from kicking Borg ass to quoting Shakespeare to scare some ugly pirates.

Facts[edit]

I'm afraid the Prime Directive forbids me from helping your primitive culture, sir.
  • On the Stargazer Picard had a captain, Captain Ruhalter, who sounded like something on speakonia or a robot; unfortunately, he died in the line of duty. Yett fortunately, since he was a robot, brand new models were made in his name, since his actor is the voice of many more captains in Star Trek legacy.
  • Captain Picard is a highly cultured Renaissance man, enjoying sophisticated past-times such as playing the flute, reading Shakespeare, and rocking out on air guitar.
  • Is bald.
  • Picard has cool mind powers and in his spare time is the leader of the X-Men.
  • In between his duties as Captain of the Enterprise and leader of the X-Men, Picard held back the electric car and made Steve Guttenberg a star.
  • Picard's most frequent interactions on the bridge are with Commander Data, largely due to limitations of the script generator.[1]
Out damned Romulan! OUT I SAY!!!
  • His scalp is coated with Teflon to make it more Aerodynamic.
  • Served as head of the KGB before being outwitted by George Smiley.
  • Picard briefly served as the frontman of the Borg, an interstellar heavy metal rock band from Sweden.
  • Picard is an accomplished thespian, having played the historic role of a gay superhero in the theatre production and film adaptation of Jeffrey. He declined to be part of the very successful television series spin-off, Jeffrey: Queen of the Gym, and has since been seen groveling for hurled coins in lesser theatre productions written by some guy named William Shakespeare.
  • When Picard draws the line, Chuck Norris respects it.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the "Picard Maneuver" is the act of pulling one's top downward, to make one's nipples show through one's uniform more.
  • 5 Billion years ago Picard showed me and you how to eat a homemade sandwich seductively.
  • Picard is the long lost brother of Mr. Clean.
  • Picard is the head of the CIA.
  • Picard loves to do the mambo.
  • Picard is not from Nottingham.
  • Picard was briefly a Borg, and caused uber penage at Wolf 359. It made the papers.
  • Picard's bowling team consists of Steven Segal, Sylvester Stallone, Samuel L. Jackson, Chuck Norris, and Worf.
  • Picard plays Call of Duty; he's the bald guy in the white tux with the tommy gun, gold desert eagle, and the martyrdom perk.
  • Picard can survive on a diet of Tea. Earl Grey. Hot!

Kirk vs. Picard[edit]

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better

101. Two Words: better voice.

100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.

99. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.

98. Picard fires both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.

97. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.

96. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.

95. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still manged to make her fall for him.

94. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.

93. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.

92. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.

91. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.

90. Picard was never killed by his first officer.

89. Picard's family made alchoholic beverages for a living.

88. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.

87. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.

86. Two words: better actor.

85. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.

84. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.

83. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.

82. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on a regular basis.

81. Picard's crew gambles.

80. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.

79. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.

78. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."

77. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.

76. No sideburns. 'Nuff said.

75. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.

74. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet HQ. Kirks name is an anathema to Starfleet HQ and alien races alike.

73. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.

72. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.

71. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.

70. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?

69. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.

68. Picard has never been demoted.

67. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.

66. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.

65. Picard has never encountered aliens from wierd planets like "Zatar."

64. Picard's quarters have a window.

63. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.

62. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.

61. Picard is a caffiene addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)

60. One word: Leadership.

59. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.

58. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.

57. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.

56. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to save him.

55. Picard would never stand for playing "Row Row Row your boat" around a campfire.

54. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.

53. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.

52. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.

51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.

50. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.

49. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.

48. If poor judgement were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.

47. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.

46. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.

45. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.

44. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.

43. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)

42. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)

41. Picard has hair on his chest.

40. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.

39. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.

38. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.

37. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.

36. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.

35. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.

34. Picard's ex kept his name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.

33. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.

32. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.

31. Picard has never been bitten by a mugatto. Nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.

30. Picard has never aged prematurely.

29. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.

28. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.

27. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.

26. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.

25. When Picard talks, people listen.

24. If Picard were a late-night talk-show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night host, he'd be Chevy Chase.

23. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."

22. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.

21. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.

20. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.

19. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.

18. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be ****ed.

17. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a gorn.

16. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.

15. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the Klingons.

14. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.

13. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.

12. Three words: Better costuiime variety.

11. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.

10. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.

9. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."

8. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.

7. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on a number of occassions.

6. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).

5. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.

4. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.

3. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...

2. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.

1. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.

0. THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!!!!!!!!

Picard vs. Sisko[edit]

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better

  1. Anyone can hear Picard's voice in the vacuum of space.
  2. Picard was smart enough to not get married.
  3. Picard was smart enough to not have kids.
  4. Picard killed Sisko's wife and got away with it.
  5. Picard fired his transporter chief because he was an drunk. Deep Space Nine's standards are so low he was hired as Chief of Operations.
  6. Picard had to give Sisko his lowest ranking senior officer because Sisko was whining about his ratings.
  7. Picard went where no one has gone before. Sisko didn't go anywhere.
  8. People besides nerds actually watched Picard's show.
  9. Picard's show lasted two episodes longer.
  10. Picard got a movie deal.
  11. When Sisko fights a battle he does it until he runs out of ammo and his ship is on the brink of destruction. Picard does the same but then orders "Ramming speed!" and wins.

Picard vs. Archer[edit]

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better

  1. Picard would never get trapped a billion times by bounty hunters hired by the Klingons.
  2. Picard's ship had shields and craploads of torpedoes. Archer's ship had wimpy little ray-guns and paper-mache armour.
  3. Picard's show also didn't ruin the franchise.

A video showing how cool Captain Picard is.


Quotes[edit]

Picard was known for dealing harshly with any "back-sass"
Captain Picard does NOT like suprises. (And started his own meme. In your face Kirk! ... Well der is KAAAAHN!)
You are NOT my FATHER!!!!!
Some of Picard's super-hip fashion choices occasionally attracted the dismay of his crew members

"Captain's personal log. The Enterprise is en route to Sector 10-45 at maximum warp to rendezvous at the Flarius system. I've been sitting on the john for most of the day... That... Romulan ale I drank didn't agree with me... Errrrrrnnnngh!!!"

"Wesley Crusher, to my quarters!"

"Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet! Engage!"

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise! Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise!" (repeat ad nauseam)

"May the Force be with you."

"I am Locutus of Borg, resistance is frivolous... Damnit... I'm new at this..."

"Engage!!!"

"Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra with the lead pipe in Crusher's quarters..."

"Mr. Worf, I command you to let me lick your forehead things."

"So to get us out of the nebula, you want to get the counselor and the doctor drunk and make them have sex with each other? Make it so!"

"For the last time, that was the doctor's dress in my closet!"

"The line must be drawn here...cough COugh COUGH!"

"See the great thing about making First Contact is that you can wipe out the entire civilization and not get in trouble, because nobody else has heard of them."

"Shut up, Wesley!!!"

"Wesley, I need you to clean the airlock. If it opens while you're inside, run for the green clouds outside."

"We have engaged the-...wait, aw what the FUCK!"

"Stupid fucking flute, didn't even work anyway, the sound was patched in. Why the fuck would anyone buy it for so much money?"

"The Thousand Ships of the Federation descend upon you."

"I am tired of these motherfucking Borg on their motherfucking cubes!"

"Woah. I never noticed that the nebula outside looks like a weed leaf. I shouldn't have had so much Earl Grey."

"Alright, Riker, stand next to me and act like you are going to say something. Troi, sit there and tell me if they are lying. Data, sit there and act like you're working. Mr. Crusher, sit there and look at porn on your helm control console. Mr. Worf, stand there and look menacing. Alright? Everyone ready? Make it so."

"We are Locutus of Borg. Well actually I'm Locutus of Borg. No! We are comrades! We are all Locutus!"

"Data? Shut up. I've been waiting twenty years to say this..."

"Thank you Mr. Data, now kindly shut the fuck up!"

"Yes for the sake of humanity, I will have a small Sprite to go with my Big Mac, make it so!"

"Not the Ferengi again! Fuck this shit, I'm taking a leave of absence. If anyone wants me I'll be in the Holodeck playing Dixon Hill, again."

"The slow blade penetrates the shield--like I care, dickhead. "

"Mutation: it is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millenia, evolution leaps forward."

"When an individual acquires great power, the use or misuse of that power is everything, will it be used for the greater good or will it be used for personal or destructive ends? Now this is a question we must all ask ourselves. Why? Because we are mutants."

"Twenty years at the Royal Shakespeare Company, now I'm stuck doing fucking Star Trek!."

"NO! NOOOOOOO!!!!! (smash)"

"You know I'm gonna say it. JUST DO IT!"

"Mr. Data, while I can understand your wish to increase your knowledge of human sexuality, I must insist that if I bend over in the communal shower, that you do not violate my neutral zone."

"THERE! ARE! FOUR! FUCKING! LIGHTS!!!"

See also[edit]


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