Captain Sarcasm

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Of all the superheroes out there, Captain Sarcasm may just be the most sarcastic.

“No, really?”

~ Captain Sarcasm on that last line

Well, yes, that is the gist of it. Originally created by another comic book publishing company to be a rival to Captain Obvious, Captain Sarcasm nevertheless found a loyal fanbase. The need for a sarcastic based superhero grew out of sleazy, typical corporational "jumping on the band-wagon."

“Yeah, they came up with a helluva' original idea. Really. ”

~ Captain Sarcasm on his creators

Despite his cynical view of the world, Captain Sarcasm truly tries to hold up the values of morality (even though he doubts many people are smart and nice enough to keep things nice for a while).

“This guy must be British.”

~ Captain Obvious on Nationality of Captain Sarcasm

Mainly, Captain Sarcasm approaches a scene of disaster and sarcastically remarks about everything there until someone else fixes things out of spite, annoyance, or craziness from too much sarcasm. This has been said to be a kind of mesmerising power, much like Charles Xavier of the X-Men.

“Yes, I'm being sarcastic...”

~ Captain Sarcasm on paradoxes


Due to his very nature, some wonder if Captain Sarcasm really is a superhero. His sarcastic remarks often annoy the average citizen more often than they save the day. He also has done little good in the world, by the standards of other superheroes. However, he is not a supervillian, since he does not actively cause disasters or mischief. He classifies himself as a anti-hero, someone who will treat others the way they treat other people.

“With such wonderful people like you hard at work, it's a wonder we haven't invented a better mousetrap or something that will benefit all humanity, by now. ”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the world

As a result, many governmental leaders frown upon Captain Sarcasm's actions. Former presidents have often called for Captain Sarcasm to refrain from superhero activities.

“Oh yes, Captain Sarcasm, you don't really do anything to help the American way.”

~ Bill Clinton on Captain Sarcasm

“Oh yes, Mr. President, you did not have sex with that woman.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Bill Clinton

He is a master of supersarcasm to the extreme. Most superheros have a flashy catchphrase, and Captain Sarcasm usually adds 'No, really" and "Yeah" to many of his comments. He also patented the phrase "Yeah, right". He can turn a "No, really" into a deadly weapon that makes enemies moan in despair. Sometimes the enemy takes his sarcasm as compliments, which later causes their mentality to mess up.

“This article is so not ripping off the Captain Obvious article.”

~ random quote by Captain Sarcasm


Captain Piss and Shit- Mark Bignal, frisbee throwing baguetting eating french beast, insisting on abusing young children and pancake camels

“Yeah, I really get along with these people.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on his "friends"

Because he generally lacks true superpowers (the atypical superstrength, superspeed, superwhatever), Captain Sarcasm has teamed up with with many other superheros.

“No, this guy is actually pretty profound...”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Obvious

“This guy is cool.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Superman

“This man does not have a thing for bats. Really. Not at all. He also does not have a thing for Robin.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Batman

“Oh, Yeah, He definitely not gay.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Planet

“Oh, there is no way he's gay.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Twilight

“And she was a very big help.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Your Mom

“100% made in America”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain America

“Out of parts from Mexico and Canada.”

~ said Captain Sarcasm under his breath

“Good Lord, don't you just love this guy?”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the most annoying person he knows

“No, Marvel never forced me to sign a contract to team up with this pathetic loser.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Spider-Man

“He is tough and likes women.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Robin

Quotes by Captain Sarcasm[edit]

“Good to know, that there's somebody who doesn't think I'm "Captain Contradiction".”

~ Captain Sarcasm on this article

“I did not have sex with that woman.”

~ Bill Clinton on Captain Sarcasm

“I wanted to!”

~ Bill Clinton on Captain Sarcasm

“He's called Captain Sarcasm because he's always so sarcastic!”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Sarcasm

“...Huh? Pardon? Who?...”

~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Sarcasm

“I think he's a little sarcastic.”

~ Captain Understatement on Captain Sarcasm


~ Captain Faceplant on the above quote

“Drop and give me 20”

~ Captain Random on Captain Sarcasm and Bill Clinton and Captain Obvious and a slice of lemon peel with the chilli

“Yeah, that quote made a LOT of sense.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the previous quote

“That quote that made sense made a lot of sense.”

~ Captain Redundant on the quote above the previous quote

The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"[edit]

It is said in comic book lore that when the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse ride out and are unable to do anything, The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking" will save the day. Each member is a archetype comic book character: Superhero(Captain Obvious), supervillian (Captain Understatement), anti-hero (Captain Sarcasm), and arch-nemesis (Captain Oblivious). Besides all being titled as "Captain," each member has power over different types of annoying English, as addressed by their names.

“Yeah, we really have horses.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"

“I am Captain Obvious. He is Captain Sarcasm, he is Captain Oblivious, and he is Captain Understatement, and we make us the Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"!”

~ Captain Obvious on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"

“I don't really do much in the group.”

~ Captain Understatement on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"

“No! You're so important! We can't do anything without you!”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Understatement

“Wait, what? Hmm? ”

~ Captain Oblivious on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"

The origin behind the name of this group derives from the idea that, when all four are combined, they will become a force of really annoying catchphrases, wit, insults, understatements, oxymorons and bizarre sayings that will drive everyone and everything to the brink of insanity, or at least to Milton Keynes. One famous scene-

“Yeah this totally made a hit book”

~ Captain Sarcasm on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"

Would you just shut it make me finish?

“Yeah sure.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on "Shutting it"

Thanks. The famous scene was called 'I am not Gay', and was the most remembered scene in the whole comic book, and described as the worst scene they have ever read and then they said nothing else, because they shot themselves in the head with a penguin milk chocolate bar.

“The spelling in this article is just top notch!”

~ Captin Srcasm on the exelnt spelin teckneex yoosd bye teh riter

...I quit

“I'll really miss you.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on some sad writer, who really isnt funny and should shut up.

Pithy Saying Man tried to join the group but was turned down because 1) he wasn't titled "Captain" 2) while pithy sayings can become annoying after a while, he hadn't previously said enough quotes for membership and 3) it helps, during Apocalypse, to have someone that really has no clue what they are doing (aka Captain Oblivious).

“Not worth the time nor the effort.”

~ Pithy Saying Man on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking

Ocasionally, they will team up with the Knights formerly known as the Knights of Nih.


“I'm serious.”







Speed boat?



Your point?


“Yeah, I really, really love these people.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on his enemies

“Once I defeat them they are gone. Never to return. Don't even come back in the nest episode. Those look-alikes must be clones or something.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on more about his enemies

Every superhero has a wide variety of foes. Here are some of the foes Captain Sarcasm has previously fought:

“Not a collection of everything evil at all. Really.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Evil Pizza

“Because this joke has so not been overused.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Your Mom

Not fought by every superhero at some point in their career.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Dr. Doom


~ Any Grue on Captain Sarcasm

“Well, no...”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the above quote

“An unoriginal, stupid, poorly thought-out idea.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the Werevampninzombiebot

(This is the greatest compliment Captain Sarcasm has ever given)



“Yeah, I'm really going to tell you my real name.”

~ Captain Sarcasm (Calvin) on his identity

Captain Sarcasm possesed a philosophical mind from and early age. As he growed up, his views turned negative and he began to hone his trademark sarcastic edge. His sarcastic nature manifested into other personality traits: an anger management problem, completely rational mind, ability to see both sides of every argument, dislike of social interactions, and weird sense of humor. He was the smartest kid in his years of education, but often had many spats with his teachers. He found his calling on the school debate team, as their secret lethal weapon. Although often penalized, he could leave an opponent crying in the corner, foaming at the mouth or giggling softly to themselves while playing the harmonica. His yearbook photo (now lost forever) had the caption of "Most likely not to care."

After High School[edit]

After graduating from High School, the man now known as Captain Sarcasm was unsure about college, having developed a bleak view of humanity. He went to Yale for a few months, but left after causing every teacher to go insane from his sarcastic ramblings. For some time after that he tried to be a stand-up comedian. Although he was liked by the general public, he developed many enemies (mostly night club owners and celeberties). Finally deciding to get a real job, he picked superhero by sheer chance. As he developed his sarcastic superpowers, he took on the moniker "Captain Sarcasm." (Myth say he was originally given the rank of Sergeant Sarcasm, and only achieved the rank of Captain after his faceoff with Nicholas Cage.)

“Isn't it obvious that I'm the captain of a ship?”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the title of captain

“No...the obvious one is me but I have no ship...”

~ Captain Obvious on above quote

“Hmm? What's happening now?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Aformentioned conversation

“I had pizza yesterday.”

~ Captain Irrelevant on previous conversation

“You had pizza yesterday.”

~ Captain Obvious on the previous quote

“Wow, did you think of that one yourself? That's so original!”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Obvious on Captain Irrelevant

The costume he developed was a maroon, spandex body suit with silver coloring. He has a gadget, a megaphone so he can be heard.

“Don't you like all the pretty pictures in the article that are pictures of me?”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the pictures in this article

Alter Ego?[edit]

Some people believe that his Alter Ego is actually Dr. Gregory House. However, those same people dispute whether House is the alter ego or vice versa, considering that House is 1. more famous than Captain Sarcasm and 2. has saved more lives than Captain Sarcasm.

Captain Sarcastic?[edit]

When he became a superhero, Captain Sarcasm had troubles with already established superheros. Some, whether they were trying to be sarcastic to a sarcastic person or not, thought that his name was "Captain Sarcastic," which is entirely incorrect. This was a frequent mispronounciation of his name due to its similarity to "Mr. Fantastic" of the Fantasic Four. Apparently, Reed Richards didn't mind.

“I think Captain Sarcastic has a much cooler sound to it than Captain Sarcasm. The -astic suffix gives it a resemblance of "Fantastic".”

~ Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) on Captain Sarcasm

“Yeah... The fact that every part of you stretches has no relation to why your sex life has greatly improved. No relation at all...”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Mr. Fantastic

Even worse, many idiots confused Captain Sarcasm to Sarcastic Boy, some punk sidekick that was probably a geek you never had much of a social life.

“This guy must think he's sarcastic. Either that or REALLY SMART.”

~ Sarcastic Boy on Captain Sarcastic

“This kid must think he really knows a lot about sarcasm. I DON'T see ANY WAY THAT INSULT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER!”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Sarcastic Boy

“Who the hell is this poser?”

~ Deadpool on Captain Sarcasm

Captain Sarcasm's Publications[edit]

“This is a list of my extensive published comic books and multitude of television shows.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on this section

“This certainly isn't the end of the article.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the end of this article

“Christ these Americans really don't need to learn some better sarcastic remarks.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Americans and their sarcasm

“Still not ripping off the Captain Obvious article.”

~ another random quote by Captain Sarcasm

“If, at that time, you were being random then you are indeed also Captain Random. As this is obvious you would also be Captain Obvious. Since you are oblivious to all of this, you are Captain Oblivious. This shows that all Captains are in fact the same and possibly do not even exi—”

~ Captain Profound on above quote

“—This definitely doesn't show how you constantly over analyze things.”

~ Rebuttal by the master of supersarcasm

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People named "Captain"

America - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Raccoon - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video

[{pt: Captain Ignorance}]