Cardinal Biggles

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Cardinal Biggles: Man, or mindless piece of fiction?

If Cardinal Biggles had not been created, the world would have been a more normal place. Brainchild of Monty Python, many young lacrosse sticks have been named after him and his partner Cardinal Fang. Biggles featured in many best selling novels, such as, 'Biggles combs his hair'... and...er... 'Biggles combs his hair.' Many appraised the creative way he moves the comb, never taking too short a time to get rid of those nasty knots. However, since Biggles sports a crew cut, this is easier than imagined.

Biggles spent much of his time in the Spanish Inquisition, eating cakes with masons, issuing tortures with the horrendous COMFY CHAIR and doing the knees up with his superiors. But what was he really like?

Well he was boring, and ugly, and arrogant, and boring, and stupid, and boring, and unintelligent, and boring, and...well...you get the idea.

In fact the only interesting thing about him is how utterly boring he is.


Early Beginnings[edit]

Biggles was born in a wholly unremarkable part of a wholly unremarkable county in the most unremarkable part of Britain. We shall not disclose the name of the place for fear of offending the wholly unremarkable people who live there. (However, we think you can guess where we mean). In his younger years, Biggles was a devout Catholic. He would religiously skip Sunday School every week. His parents still don't know about this. At least, they didn't know about it.


What Happened Next?[edit]

When Biggles left his parents home, (at the young and tender age of 30), he decided to venture into the exciting world of LITERATURE! Writing his debut novel Biggles combs his hair, he spent much of his time experimenting with the many things you can do with a crew cut. (When he joined the church, later in life, he found a tonsure had just as many options). For a three week period, his book was a best-seller, and Biggles was rich.


No. 2 1/2[edit]

At this point, we would like to insert an extract from the novel Biggles combs his hair so that you know what you are dealing with:

I woke up. It was a sunny day. A bird was singing loudly. I threw a rock at it. It stopped. I went downstairs. I boiled the kettle. *While it was boiling, I looked for my comb. It was gone. I had lost it.

  • Note: This is the longest sentence in the book.

The Church Years[edit]

Nobody expected Biggles to join the Church after his three weeks of fame. However, that is exactly what he did. Finding solace in the Spanish Inquisition, Biggles started as an all round dogsbody. But then, the dogs started objecting and he was promoted to Cardinal. But what nobody expected was that Biggles would spend a lot of his time skiing while he was on duty. He spent much of his timing taking tea and cakes with the people he was supposed to be torturing. Despite that, he was always prominent in the morning knees up, although he always left the singing to his superiors.


Where is he now?[edit]

After 20 years in the Spanish Inquisition, Biggles mysteriously vanished. He was last seen in South End. He was sporting an orange afro wig, as he found that this look was more exciting and easier to comb. If you see him, report him to the local clown station. But don't talk to him. he is so boring, you will probably fall asleep.