Cardinal Pride Service Day
Freshman Slave Labor Day (oftentimes euphemised as Cardinal Pride Service Day to lift fear and stress) falls on the annual First Friday in September. Freshmen going to Thomas Worthington High School are
invited brought by force to said High School to work morning through afternoon out on the school's barren field. That's right. WORK! All day! All work and no play! Each year, they've fallen for one clever lie told by their fellow teachers. They say that once the work is done, then a pool party is rewarded to the students. This article will debunk every little detail about that bullshit hoax, one piece of evidence being which every year freshmen getting away with bringing pool bags and towels have been PERMANENTLY EXPELLED! NOT BY THE SCHOOL, BY THE FBI THEMSELVES!!! That's right! One dick move on this holy sacred day, the school banishes you from its realm for all of eternity!
The sad, sad truth is, the pool party is a lie. And so is the pizza. And the soft drinks. And the free candy. All are but clever hoaxes set up by teachers to make their students less worried about working their ass off all day outside their home school! I know, it's pretty funny. All those miserable kids walking into homeroom with a pack of sunscreen, towels, and bathing suits finding themselves stumped on the sidewalk one second later. Trust thee, it does not take long for an F.B.I. agent to emancipate you from the school for mishearing the guidelines about this day of 100% freshmen ass-beating.
Freshman Slave Labor Day was declared an official holiday on September 1, 1933, during the roots of the Lol-ocaust. But it wasn't always 100% work work work like it is now. On the first FSLD, freshman worked out on the fields AFTER their school day! Yes, that's absolutely right folks! Kids had to stay AFTER SCHOOL and work outside. Suckish, isn't it? Oh suck it up you whiny little baby. Your ass is going to get shipped out there all the day long now. And if they don't see you shoveling coals, yanking weeds (not the drug) out of the ground, painting the trees, digging holes to plant turnips, lifting weights, etc. Hell, being kicked to the curb for swallowing the "pool party" prank lie is pain in the ass enough. Government officials will be there and watch you like a hawk. Did we not mention that earlier? It's not only the teachers that are inspecting your every move on the ground floor, the government themselves will also be inspecting you and watching you work. The teachers won't do anything, don't worry. The goperment will take care of THAT! If they see you slacking off, having side conversations with so-called 'friends', loitering, or even not doing anything in general, they WILL jail you!
Yes, you read that correctly. Freshmen have been incarcerated for breaking Freshman Slave Day rules, such as reporting to the wrong assigned room for 1st period, bringing anything they won't need (a-hem... pool supplies), trying to weasel out of working, etc. And you're screwed if the government catches you doing any of these. And I mean screwed! Before the nice long weekend sit in jail, the police will pin you to the ground for all the neighborhood to see, throw a bucket of water at you, then violently cuff you. And they won't wait for you to dry off. Wanna hear about the police car ride? No, you don't call shotgun, nor the back. No! They'll shove you in the back. The back back. And we mean shove! They will squish you into the back trunk. And no, no nice long sit-ins in the court either. They'll take you directly to the nearest prison, for you to stay there, all weekend! This is real, look it up on the Worthington website!
Time to eliminate that stupid Pool Party bullshit!
Are you sick of hearing about that "promised" pool party that TWHS staff keep droning on about? It is indeed a myth. TWHS has never "promised" a single pool party to anybody in the ongoing school year. It's KMS that gets the pool parties there. And this is no exception. Kids being brutalized by the fuzz out in public for preparing for a pool party they're not going to have is the prime dissuasion of falling for it again.
Here lies more evidence to disprove the pool party hoax.
Work hours are from 8:00 to 2:30. 6 and a half hours! The school day ends at 3:05. A school pool party would have lasted the entire day. So HA!' again! Absolutely indisputable, hardcore proof that there will be no pool party on this day.
You ask what you do from 2:31-3:04 this day, no you don't go back inside. When we said 'work hours', we meant hours of the pulling of the weeds and digging. The REAL fun begins at the last half hour of the day! This is the beginning of the coal shoveling, the weight lifting, and other brutal slavery tortures. Now your hell begins! And guess what the second worst punishment is? The government will make you MAKE UP the minutes of work you missed by slacking off the following Monday. And if you keep slacking, you'll just keep missing class to make up slavework! Sounds fun, doesn't it? You are required 390 precise minutes of slave work on the school fields every year on this day, and even if so much as 10 minutes are lost, those 10 minutes will be make up slavery on Monday. If 390 minutes of work are lost, then those 390 minutes will also be made up the following days. And they'll keep you OVERNIGHT AT SCHOOL ON THE WEEKEND too if they have to!
No, you do not need glasses. You read right. You will spend the night at school. And no, not in a comfy classroom, you'll sleep on the grass. The itchy, itchy grass! And the police will be there to wake you up at 4:30 in the morning to start the make up work. They might awake you with probably an air horn, a vuvuzela, or the Chinese water torture (or the aforementioned drenching by water bucket).