Carlisle

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The beginning of Carlisle[edit]

Carlisle was discovered by Colonel Frank Basterd and his pet sausage Gregory in 1381, Colonel Basterd was a charasmatic man in his early fifties who's hobbies included shagging, fucking, screwing, banging, drilling, porking, romping, shafting and biscuits. In his home town of Barrow he was famous for his white beard and was often mistaken for captain birdseye.

Colonel Frank Basterd the founder of Carlisle

Colonel Basterd decided it was his duty to populate Carlisle so he went back to Barrow and found a young woman named Mary and brought her back to Carlisle, Colonel Basterd realised that to populate a city he would have to have a lot of intercourse to do this, so he explained his intentions to Mary, and that night he shagged the shit out of her.

Nine months later Mary had given birth to 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls.

30 years on Carlisle was becoming a community, Colonel Basterd had indulged in one of his hobbies and had 34 more children with his wife Mary and his pet sausage Gregory found a wife Sarah and had 6 children of thier own.

Gregory and his wife Susan

The death of Colonel Basterd[edit]

In 1423 Colonel Basterd was 95 years old, on his death bed and with his family gathered around him he slowly died, then his eldest son Jeremy said "finally the old cunts snuffed it" However Colonel Basterd's legacy lives on, a sausage factory was named after him in 1954. Also when he died his pet sausage Gregory was buried alive with him as a sign of respect.

Famous people of Carlisle[edit]

Carlisle had many local heroes is it developed into a community, the first being Harold Basterd, Colonel Basterd's son who broke the record for putting the most carrots up his arse (44)

Carol hick the local doctor developed a potion which could extend someone's life by ten years, the one side effect was death. Charlie Marsh broke the record for a local game of hide and seek in which he hid in his cupboard for a whopping 2 years!

Charlie Marsh emerges victorious after the longest ever game of hide and seek

In 1535 local rapist Barry Shafter raped 462 people in one week, the locals were so impressed he was made the city's Mayor later that year.

In 1668 Local Bumpkin Walter Gitley shot a record 126 people in one day which he described as "funny lookun cunts!"

Walter Gitley shot 126 "funny lookun cunts!"

In 1766 there was a surprise visit from Jesus Christ who came to get away from all his religeous followers and relax for a couple of week. During the two week period Jesus was arrested numerous times for crimes such as drink driving, fighting, swearing in public, smoking joints and caught with fire arms.

In the mid 1970's Saddam Hussain paid a visit to Carlisle and became a very poular member of it's society. The reason for this was Carlisle enjoyed playing cricket and Saddam Hussein was a top class umpire, he umpired many of Carlisle's matches from 1975-1977.

Harry Chuff the greatest shitter[edit]

In 1952 a revelation was discovered in Carlisle, one Harry Chuff had tewnty years of fame as Carlisle's greatest ever shitter, he was given this reputaion because of his unique ability to shit objects of huge proportion, from bricks to boulders you name it Harry had laid it. Infact one time he had a shit so huge an exact copy of it was created in marble and is still displayed in Carlisle this very day in his memory. Harry Chuff died in 1972 due to stomach complications (he shit himself to death)

Eric the Dwarf[edit]

Eric is a primordial dwarf who is a bouncer in Carlisle. Not surprisingly, he often fails to assert authority. However, as local Windy Miller attempted to gain entry to the Guantanamo Bay nightclub in possession of an òbvjhghhvcvAK-47, Eric leapt out at him, launching a roundhouse kick to his face, followed by a forearm Bruce Lee style smash. For good measure, he was placed in the home of Matty Glennon, whom his nan had attempted to seduce, resulting in Matty's free transfer at the end of that season.