Carmine

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Carmine, the great Lord General of War...and great Lord in general. Note how the fabled "Death Stare" penetrates even the lenses of his helmet if you look closely. Actually, don't. You'll be dead vaporized mangled decimated anal raped scared shitless hacked slashed immolated sploded torn apart crushed sliced killed diced eaten alive smashed owned pwnd Pzoned bashed lasered cut in half decapitated shanked murdered gut impaled pretty much fucked if you stare too hard.

Anthony Carmine (October 4, 420 AD/CE - see Carmine "Deaths") is the main and only worthwhile and involved character in the Xbox 360 game Gears of War. He became famous for being the most evolved character in video game history, having a deep backstory, genuine and convincing personality, as well as a pwnage factor of 349(x'2)+3. Seeing as he is "killed" numerous times during the game, it is also believed that he holds the cure against death itself. He is the reason Sera survived to become what is now known as Earth.

Character History[edit]

Early Life[edit]

Carmine decided to become a sentient being on October 7, 420 AD at approximately 6:66 in the evening. While his origins are mostly unknown, there is a considerable amount of evidence to show that he is the bastard son of Darth Vader; however, theorists are now contemplating the possibility that Carmine simply created himself. Many references supporting Carmine's relation to Vader can be found in well known ancient texts such as the Bible, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, and the end credits to the 1986 film Labyrinth.

According to the book of Genesis, Darth Vader trained the Force-reincarnated Carmine in the ways of the Sith from a young age. Carmine's lightsaber was a modified Wiimote. Vader hoped to use him as a weapon to defeat the Rebel Alliance, but Carmine had other plans. After turning on his old master and destroying the Death Star (beating its engine to dust with the handy torpedo Luke had sent down), he went on a spiritual journey (read: deadly rampage) which took him to many different parts of the universe.

Carmine has since then been present in every war to ever have happened in the past, present, and future - often acting as a major catalyst. All Greek and Roman mythology with ancient war and gods involved Carmine in some form or another. Carmine later on caused the fall of Rome, simply because he decided to go to sleep for 200 years.

Eventually, Carmine enlisted as a Gear, where he met Lieutenant Oscar Wilde and began pillaging the native Locust citizen's villages for what is now commonly referred to as "epic lulz". In retaliation, the Locust became miners and stumbled upon an ancient energy source known as Bawlz. Super energized, the Locust prepared to avenge their lost civilization.

The COG used propaganda like this to convince civilians that all of their soldiers were as adept as Carmine.

Carmine & The Human-Locust War[edit]

When the now-vicious Locust moved out of their desolated cities, conquered planet Sera's core, and began their war on humanity, most of the aforementioned humanity was so fat that the mere thought of being invaded caused them to die from heart-attacks. Those who survived were forced to fight back or, at the very least, seriously consider going on a diet. Needless to say, mankind fought back with all their might — which, consequently, was very little, seeing as it took quite a bit of energy just for them to muster up the proper amount of strength needed simply to raise their immense weight from a seated position.

When Marcus Fenix and his group of super-massive, body armored homies were given the quest to take the one ring to Sera's core in order to destroy the Halos and banish the Locust from the realm of Middle-Earth, Carmine joined Delta Squad. However, he soon realized that his companions were such a bunch of useless sods that even Carmine, in his mortal form, would be unable to contribute to the successful completion of their quest, and allowed himself to have his brains blown out. Doing so allowed Carmine to leave his mortal state and become what he was destined to be. Taking on his rightful place as a demigod of awesome, he watched over Marcus and his men and led them to victory - thus explaining the Hammer of Dawn, which could be used to summon Carmine's wrath (the Hammer's mighty starting burst isn't the satellite — it is, in fact, caused by Carmine blinking at the enemy).

Carmine, modest as always, allows the retarded one to take center stage. Note how he is actually able to distinguish which way to face and shoot his gun.

(SPOILERS)

Delta Squad's final victory (the large explosion destroying the Locust tunnels) is made possible by Carmine reincarnating underground and removing his helmet. When the Locust who weren't caught in the blast - they happened to be on vacation at the time - returned, they were once again wiped out by Carmine, who proceeded to unleash the contents of his bladder, which he just happened to have been holding for eighty-six years. This was ultimately mistaken by many for a flood of water.

(END SPOILERS)

Carmine's only weakness is the prerendered cutscene. This is proven by the fact that Carmine can be downed numerous times during single-player gameplay, but never completely dies; however, he dies from one shot to the head in a cutscene (completely voluntarily, of course). This shot to the head was in fact one of his own bullets that he had shot from the King Raven he was earlier aboard.

The CARMINE Project[edit]

The Locusts' Reaction to Carmine[edit]

An example of one Locust's reaction.

Shortly after the "detonation" of the "Lightmass Bomb" (read: Carmine's intentional removal of his own helmet while in the depths of the Locust underground) and the brutal murder of General RAAM by Carmine — this was, of course, done vicariously through Marcus Fenix — the planet of Sera was, for the first time ever, in a state of absolute peace and harmony (that is to say, the gay kind). Unfortunately, those few remaining Locust — those who had been above the surface at the time of Carmine's subterranean strike — began to plot revenge for the actions of their mortal enemy. The Locust not only began to breed incessantly, which eventually led to a population that was tenfold their original numbers, but they also engineered a far more intense training regimen, ensuring that all their Locust warriors would have a completely new repertoire of combat methods.

The Locust could now run in huge, collective groups, through colossal valleys, and act as minor inconveniences to elephantine, turret-mounted, military transport vehicles and tanks. Similarly, their hearing was now so advanced that they could pick up on sly, chainsaw-wielding enemy soldiers charging up from behind. With this advantage, the Locust could now essentially turn a complete 180 degrees and use their own gas-powered, chainsaw-equipped, battle rifles to duel their opponents in a fashion which can only be described as a hybrid of swashbuckling and lumber jacking. Of course, these new warriors had not only been bestowed with the ability to clog tank treads with their guts and have sword-fights with chainsaws. The Locust also gained the ability to crawl. That is, the Locust could now crawl only under the circumstances that they were bleeding out quickly and near death.

With these new forms of combat mastered, the Locust hordes began mining for Bawlz, the element on which they thrived. It was these mining activities which alerted the humans to the reemergence of the Locust. To be more specific, it was the fact that the Locusts' method of mining (they ate away at the surrounding rock with a GIANT WORM! A GIANT WORM!) led to the collapse of many of the humans' major cities which garnered their attention.

Origin[edit]

In a panic, the Coalition of Ordered Governments resorted to planet Sera's elite scientists for a solution. After weeks of intense research, a potential answer was conceived. To match the numbers of the gigantic Locust horde, the team of COG scientists began cloning the DNA of the army's best soldiers. Unfortunately, the process used was unrefined and yielded no results. At the brink of giving up, a discovery was made by the team's lead scientist. Blood samples relating to a court marshal case had been accidentally shipped to their lab instead of the criminal forensic lab down the street. Each vial contained a label reading "CARMINE".

In an act of complete desperation, the scientists attempted to make one more clone using the new blood samples. In the eyes of the scientist, the experiment turned out to be a complete success. For reasons unknown to the scientists, the subject had super-human abilities and a predisposition to kill things. What they also hadn't known, was that no human science could perfectly replicate Carmine's DNA — this, unfortunately, meant that his clone had no desire to aid humanity as he did. As the lead scientist's name was Benjamin Franklin, it only made sense to name his son after himself. Hence, Benjamin Carmine was created. Even though he had only some of the powers of his namesake, Benjamin would prove to be a suitable replacement while the real Carmine was waging war.

Given this new success, the scientists immediately began producing hundreds of Carmine clones. The project itself was called, quite simply, the CARMINE project. Unfortunately, Benjamin would have none of it. Unable to accept that his life amounted to being just another clone, Benjamin Carmine went on a rampage and killed all the scientists and destroyed every existing piece of their work. After having thrown his little tantrum, Benjamin Carmine enlisted in the COG army to aid in the destruction of the Locust (mostly because he knew that the Locust would be less willing to accept him into their own ranks).

Benjamin & The Human-Locust War[edit]

Shortly after enlisting with the COG, Benjamin was assigned to act as Marcus Fenix's commanding officer. Since Marcus' skills weren't nearly as godly as Benjamin's, he was tasked with training the stupid oaf. Benjamin placed Marcus in an intense training course, located in an alternate dimension, in which he asked Fenix riddles that even God has yet to solve. For every riddle that Fenix answered incorrectly – and he always answered incorrectly - Carmine would punish Marcus and Dom, by firing at them or throwing grenades in their general direction.

Eventually, he grew tired of working with the queers of Delta Squad, threw himself out of a helicopter and into a giant worm's mouth. While in the worm's stomach, Carmine decided to wrestle with some of the parasites infesting its dank interior. After Marcus and his crew showed up, they stole Carmine's kills and mistook the giant hole in his chest for a fatal injury. After they left,Carmine proceeded to tear out 97 of the worm's hearts compared to Delta Squad's petty 3. His prolonged presence in the worm's interior caused to die from a severe case of "Awesomeness Overload". Benjamin decided to heal himself and join his godly brother in the war against the locust from the heavens above. Before leaving, Ben left behind a letter evidencing the existence of one "Clay Carmine," likely another clone of Anthony Carmine or a reincarnation. Soon Benjamin Carmine was pooping his way home.

Additional Contributions and Information[edit]

An artist's rendition of Carmine phasing into the elemental fire plane.

Achievements[edit]

One of Carmine's best known achievements is when he saved the village of London in 812 AD from the ravaging Apocalypse Pony that had haunted the town for ages. After brutalizing the beast with one-liners, he carved a magnificent helmet from the bones of his fallen opponent and obtained his trademark headgear. Today, nobody knows what he truly looks like. Some believe that seeing his visage will shatter not only your soul, but also your very manhood. Rumor has it that he could potentially look much like the country of Greenland.

Similarly, after Carmine effortlessly defeated Germany and Hitler (see World War Awesome), he decided to create a country of even bigger assholes and 1337er soldiers; thus, the glorious democracy of Russia was born. In honor of Carmine, Russia has dedicated their military to his almighty awesomeness by creating an entire army of faceless, mask-wearing badasses.

The Lord General unleashes his fury on all the stupid people who viewed The Uncyclopedia Movie

After the September 11th Attacks on the World Trade Towers in New York City, Carmine knew that America was not safe from Terrorists under a certain fucktard's leadership. Carmine thus discharged all US Army Soldiers and became the first and greatest Space Marine to ever live. After making Master Chief his bitch, Carmine then persuad the creation of an entire army of these super awesome soldiers of maximum ass kicking badassery, and under the advisory of his top General, he founded the second Galactic Empire. (The first being the Galactic Empire under the rule of Wierd Al Yankovic.)

Carmine later proceeded to invent a series of badass combat moves, including the curb stomp, disembowelment, the people's elbow, the rock bottom, and the infamous "Carminator". When performing the "Carminator", Carmine pretends to be shot in the head by a sniper but actually phases into the elemental fire plane, where he does 1d20 damage to whoever shot him. He also created the knee-shot-curb-stomp combo-breaker as well as that thing Van Damme does too often, where he does the splits and punches the guy in the balls. It should be noted that Van Damme does it all wrong. As soon as Carmine begins to propel his fist, it actually occupies the same coordinates in space as his opponent's nuts, ultimately deleting them from existence. His most recently devised move, however, is slightly unorthodox. After killing his victims, he invites his victims' souls to Mount Olympus to have a fancy tea party. What Carmine's marks don't know about this advanced assassination technique is that the tea is actually poison.

Carmine is also widely known for bringing the "Pompadour" hairdo back into popular fashion, releasing only two pictures of his hair, front and back. Although his face wasn't shown in the pictures, there have been reported cases of singed eyebrows and eyelashes as a result of looking at the pictures for too long (To be precise: 22.38769 seconds). Regardless, the pictures sparked the return of the pompadour and other styles of the era.

After reading the hideously negative reviews for The Uncyclopedia Movie Carmine became so enraged by how much the movie sucked Balls (not to be confused with the precious material known as "Bawlz") Carmine then decided to kill every living being who veiwed the worthless peice of shit, he was originaly going to wipeout the entire cast (with the exeption of his half-brother Chuck Norris) but for somehow Oscar Wilde managed to change his mind. The end resault was a death toll of 456 Billion people (not including Orcs).

Carmine's Influence[edit]

It is a well-known and completely true fact that both The Stig and the Master Chief are close relatives of Carmine. Jack Bauer has also been genetically proven to be Carmine's great, great, great grandson or something like that. Carmine also has the ability to produce shadow clones. His source of unlimited chakra can be attributed to the fact that he is a Jedi Master. Thanks to this, he can make as many shadow clones as he wants without getting tired or taking a break. Several of these can be found romping about in multiplayer mode, often getting frisky with the many dead bodies found littering the battlefield (or what Carmine likes to call "checking for ammo").

The NRA Incident[edit]

Carmine has unparalleled aiming skills, demonstrated when he asks if Marcus is "the Marcus Fenix". Although the camera does not show what he is aiming at, Carmine is actually taking out several Brumaks with a single shot for each. His superb ability to hit any target at will prompted the NRA's Olympic rifle team to attempt recruiting him into their elite ranks. When he politely refused, the Olympian sharpshooters threatened to, rather unsurprisingly, shoot him.

When confronted by the ruffians, Carmine promptly allowed himself to be shot several times in the head, transcending to the realm of the Gods. Now in his omnipotent state, Carmine went back in time to the point of each member's conception and systematically rewrote all of their DNA, causing them to be born with scaley, paste-white skin, no lips or hair, and the inability to hold a civil conversation. Their parents were disgusted with the horrible mutants they had spawned, and so, sent them to live deep underground, where they could live without frightening small children.

Hence, Carmine is not only the destroyer of Locustkind, but also its creator. It was for this reason that Carmine was so adamant about their complete annihilation.

Possible Alter Egos[edit]

Someone upon seeing Carmine's true form.

Nobody knows who or what Carmine looks like. As such, many rumors surround his persona. One popular theory that has since been shut down suggested that Carmine was the Master Chief in disguise, as no normal human could possibly destroy an entire alien civilization singlehandedly. Another theory is that he is the son of Chuck Norris or even Chuck Norris himself, filming a future episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. Carmine was once asked to further explain his past or at least verify these rumors in an interview. He simply responded, "Nah," and killed The One.

Carmine watching someone masturbate in his ceiling cat form.

Other possible alter egos include V, the antihero from V for Vendetta; Boba Fett, the infamous bounty hunter; Sergeant Johnson, a member of the UNSC Marines; Mr. T, the pitier of fools; Dr. Manhattan, a scientist who was incinerated but still exists as a human conscience confined in a blue light bulb; Jesus, the son of God and holy savior; Sub-Zero/Scorpion, a contender from Mortal Kombat; Kenpachi Zaraki, the captain of the 11th Division of the Gotei 13; Captain Falcon, the well-known racer pilot; Ryu Hayabusa, the Ninja warrior; Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the united states; Sir Lancelot, a Knight of the Round Table; Waenkles, the sniper of love; HUNK, the resident evil commando and, of course, God himself. None have been confirmed or denied by Carmine. He is also rumored to be the Darkness, as his super evil half needed a break. It is also suggested in Act 2 of Gears of War that Carmine could, in fact, be Colonel Sanders, as he is seen to have a fine knowledge of fried chicken.

Some people managed to trick the camera angle into seeing underneath Carmine's helmet. What they discovered was Lt. Kim. Many people have come to the conclusion that Carmine is simply Lt. Kim wearing a helmet, but further studies show he merely wears a Kim replica mask/neckguard to nullify his unstoppable power. It's for balance issues, something us mere mortals would never understand.

Multiplayer Usage[edit]

In the Xbox 360 smash hit blockbuster, Gears of War (made famous due to Carmine's presence within the game), only pros use Carmine online. This is because it has been scientifically proven that pros like to play better than other people. However, on the rare occasion that Carmine is played by one of the very few truly elite people in the world, Carmine will automatically win the game for you, give you a reassuring pat on the back, and slap your bitch second cousin.

The cost of playing as Carmine, however, is incredibly high. Few will survive his wrath in the event that they lose. None will survive in the event that they win. Carmine is highly skilled at shooting, dodging, not dying, sniping, not sniping, rolling, running, taking cover, and reloading. Although Carmine can not fail the team. Ever.

Fun Facts[edit]

How Carmine shows up to parties.
  • Carmine engaged Goku in a 742 year battle. Only Gary Coleman saw it and claimed it was 80 billion times better than all the Lord of The Rings battles put together. It was apparently a close contest until Carmine went Super Saiyan 14 and a half. He then proceeded to use his own varient of the Kamehameha, known as the "Carmehameha" and obliterated both Goku and the planet Alderaan during Star Wars episode 4, it was not the Death Star as some people would have you believe.
  • Carmine doesn't need identity theft insurance, for he has no identity.
  • Carmine can form a bulletproof shield around him, akin to General RAAM's kryll shield, except with women. This does not occur in-game because Anya is the only female the COG squad meets.
  • Carmine played drums for Spinal Tap.
  • As the only straight, male character in Gears of War, Carmine took it upon himself to keep Anya, the only woman in Gears of War, from dying of boredom.
  • Carmine is both the son of God and God himself, therefore, creating a paradox that only Carmine himself can solve.
  • Carmine said he had nightmares about the Locust when he was a kid (which he never was) just so he could get that pussy, Dom, to admit he still does. Pussy.
  • Before Carmine played drums for Spinal Tap, he spent 5 seconds of his life training Neil Peart.
  • Carmine is two of the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse.
  • He plays bench for the other two.
  • Carmine once simply walked into Mordor, despite Boromir warning him beforehand.
  • Carmine speaks entirely in internet shorthand. The campaign subtitles are translated.
  • Carmine is also known as the only person having survived Voldemort's Killing Curse, and immediately pimp-slapping the noseless dickhole.
  • Carmine is the fourth Sannin.
  • Carmine has been rumored to harbor a deep fear of ninjas; however, this is merely a rumor created by Carmine himself to goad more ninjas to fight him, akin to Chuck Norris' pirate thing.
  • Carmine counted to infinity, twice.
  • Carmine has the ability to imagine and create colors which we, as humans, cannot possibly fathom.
  • Carmine, and Carmine alone, knows where Waldo is at all times and places.
  • Carmine is the sole protector of the key to Eden. He is known to keep the key in his pants which, as we all know, cannot be invaded by anyone. Should his pants ever be lowered below knee-length, all females throughout time and space would instantly become pregnant.
  • Carmine was once so pissed at the world for believing in a fake God (see Jesus) that he created the most diabolical device ever known. Today, it is best known as "taxes".
  • Carmine, when playing Call of Duty, instantly spawns with 15 attack dogs and 3 helicopters, regardless of the time period.
  • Carmine was an original member of the Four Seraphim back when they were named Earth Wind and Fire, but left due to creative differences with the almighty Disco King.
  • Carmine is the only man ever to pity Mr. T.
  • Carmine has been killing Grues since the age of two.
  • Carmine invented reality.
  • Carmine is 5 of the 12 members of the Jedi Council.
  • Carmine gets laid approximately every 5.02 seconds.
  • Carmine managed to stop the bloody feud between Gordon Freeman and Master Chief for a total of twelve minutes by sitting them down for a peace eclair before re-igniting the rivalry for his amusement.
  • Carmine has caught all 493 Pokémon from all four generations, and has henceforth completed his Pokédex.
  • Carmine has had the "Kick the Bucket" achievement since the dawn of time.
  • Carmine Kills it With Fire.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Carmine was indeed expecting the Spanish Inquisition.
  • Carmine does recreational arm-wrestling with Cthulhu.
  • Carmine also arm-wrestled with Chuck Norris. He succeeded in permanently incapacitating Chuck's arm, causing the man to spend the rest of his life practicing roundhouse kicks.
  • Carmine was three of the final five Cylon models.
  • The reason Carmine is the only Delta who wears a mask is because if someone makes eye contact with him, then they will instantly die. The fact that he doesn't use this power against the Locust makes him a better god than you or I.
  • Carmine is the leader of "The Faceless Videogame-Character Brigade".
  • Carmine passed the role of "Ash" from Evil Dead to his good friend, Bruce Campbell.
  • Carmine is a hero among the ill-fated Red Shirts.
  • Carmine can command all the elements.
  • Carmine's helmet is equipped with a volume control for his voice; for, if Carmine were to be heard without the volume turned down to one (out of eleven, of course), the fabric of reality would be torn open and cause millions to die.
  • Carmine keeps the skulls of every opponent he has ever slain as trophies. The planet he created out of the mass of skulls he's obtained was dubbed "Carmine's Happy Funtime World of Death," and inspired the Predator race to hunt for skulls in honor of the immortal god, Carmine.
  • Carmine is personally responsible for 99.8% of all race extinctions.
  • Carmine is credited with bringing sexy back.
  • Carmine is noted for being 4 of the 3 wise men. What appears to be a mathematical fallacy actually takes into account the fact that Carmine was also Jesus.
  • Carmine has slept with every female in the "Hot Babes You Don't Have A Chance With" Category. Lucky for us, they all survived the 10 percent chance of survival.
  • Carmine can believe that it's not butter.
  • Carmine has the power to perform a Fatality instantly on anyone whom he challenges to Mortal Kombat. It should also be noted that Scorpion's TOASTY Fatality was inspired by Carmine's ability to cause massive destruction by revealing his face.
  • Due to the fact that Kabal from Mortal Kombat was able to kill kombatants by revealing his face, some people believe he is actually Carmine in disguise. This is very untrue, as no one is even capable of describing what his visage looks like. In fact, if anyone even attempts to create an image of Carmine's face, devout Red Shirts would begin suicide bombings and massive revolts in response.
  • Dividing by zero has no affect on Carmine.
  • Carmine is the only being to have won the game — you, however, have just lost.
  • Carmine took the cookie from the cookie jar.
  • Carmine achieved 200% on "Through the Fire and Flames" on Expert level before even starting to play.
  • Carmine is the only person ever to get a headshot with the Hammer of Dawn while also killing every other player in the match (including his own team) with the Boomshot upside down.
  • Carmine built his first personal super computer at the age of two.
  • Carmine, due to rising popularity, signed a deal with Fox to star in his own show, "Everybody Loves and/or Highly Respects Carmine". The show was extremely popular and ran for ten seasons, but came to a bitter, horrific end after the studio-live episode 506. One of the characters, as was stated in his script, was told to pull off Carmine's helmet as part of a practical joke. Carmine didn't know, due to the fact that he only does improv acting. Exactly 30,127,506,012 lifeforms were watching when the helmet was removed. 30,127,506,009 beings died horrifically after. The only survivors were Bruce Campbell, Deadpool and Scorpion, all of whom are immune to death. Nothing was stated from the survivors as to what Carmine looked like, but Deadpool did state shortly thereafter: "I have that same scar on my lower back!". This is all we know of Carmine's features.
  • After getting shot in the head in Gears 1, Carmine went on a killing frenzy, annihilating everything and anything, including himself, until he eventually got the seriously 2.0 achievement before the Gears 2 release date, proving the only person who can kill Carmine is Carmine, himself.
  • Carmine owns several different breeds of Polar Bears, all of which he has trained in the art of kickboxing.
  • Carmine invented the most pleasurable kind of sex known to both man and woman. Unfortunately, it is so complex that only Carmine can preform the act without seriously injuring, or killing, his partner.
  • When Carmine sleeps with women they don't want more.....they need more.
  • Carmine, at any given time, has twelve women in his COG armor.
  • Carmine is credited in some nations for authoring the Bible.
  • Carmine is credited with the invention of command prompt.
  • Carmine is able to get away with rape because the unsuspecting women always end up enjoying the experience.
  • Carmine just made you his bitch.
  • Carmine let the dogs out.
  • Carmine is THE only thing that can survive a nuclear blast, because cockroaches cannot survive Carmine.
  • Carmine is incapable of love; however, he can show his affection for something by refraining from killing it.
  • Carmine used the follow expression on a guard in Fable 2, and it worked.
  • Carmine was the Manhattan Project.
  • Carmine is nuclear fusion.
  • Carmine created all languages in the beginning, except for internet jargon, which was created in 1994. This occurred when Carmine was receiving a billion year haircut. A lock of hair fell to the Earth and an unsuspecting human would use it to connect to a network that would link all computers in the world together.
  • Carmine is the only known being to have legally downloaded from Limewire.
  • Carmine created the last cell in an Excel workbook. Only he knows what it is.
  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck Carmine? None, as the woodchuck would instantly be killed upon the sight of him.
  • Carmine's power levels are over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!
  • Carmine used to live in SPARTAAAAAAAAA!!!!
  • More powerful than a locomotive, faster than the speed of light and can scale the empire state building - these are all Carmine's warmups.
  • Carmine can slam revolving doors.
  • Carmine made the Grim Reaper his personal slave, and, therefore, does not fear the reaper.
  • Carmine is the only person to have fought Chuck Norris and won.
  • Carmine is the cause of every single historical mystery.
  • Carmine is The Stig.
  • Carmine back-flipped a monster truck.
  • Carmine knows the last number in pi.
  • Carmine once shat himself....This resulted in the big bang theory.
  • Carmine is the first person to find out Paps sexuality.
  • Carmine made the moonwalk famous.
  • Carmine can speak more languages than C-3PO.
  • Carmine is the first and only person to see Master Chief's face
  • Carmine walked into Hades, took a swim in the lake of the damned and became stronger, unlike Hercules
  • Carmine is not made of individual atoms, he is one singular atom of the identity, "Carmineium"
  • Carmine is the basis for the band named Godsmack
  • Carmine does NOT see the appeal of Glee
  • Carmine is known to some as, "The Last Mohican"
  • Carmine turns right when he races in NASCAR
  • Carmine hates the Westboro Baptist Church
  • Carmine is responsible for the creation of the Church of Scientology, contrary to the popular belief of Tom Cruise
  • Carmine updates this page regularly
  • Carmine is the only person to have owned a legitimate copy of "Gears of War 3" to date. Carmine also laughs at the fact that his and his older brother's role has been switched

Carmine "Deaths"[edit]

Carmine has been seen taking mortal wounds to the head, pelvis, and testicles, yet he always manages to come back without a scratch. This section will explain Carmine's uncanny ability to cheat death.

  • December 13, 27,364 BC - Carmine battled a Tyrannosaurus Rex just for the hell of it. After he defeated the less-than-ferocious creature, Carmine decided to cause a mass extinction to make up for the general lameness of the beast's pitiful failure in combat.
  • May 30, 811 - Carmine looks in a mirror for the first time. After reviving himself, Carmine concludes that he needs to get a mask.
  • June, 1812 - Carmine, bored begins war with the United States and burns down their White House. The first actual military loss in U.S. History.
  • Frankleberry 26, 1987 - Carmine performs the "Carminator" for the first time, successfully foiling the NRA's plans of inducting him into their ranks.
  • June 6, 2006 -When he got a Blu Ray copy of Forrest Gump he flew to Vietnam and stepped on a landmine and blew off his legs in honor of Lieutenant Dan.
  • November 7, 2006 -Dominic Santiago unknowingly aids Carmine in his transition to the godly realm.
  • November 8, 2006 - Carmine is seen with his teammates during the initial Berserker scene. Carmine refuses to hide like a pussy, much like the rest of the team did, because, as Carmine put it, "Momma didn't raise no fool". Carmine leaves the group and encounters the Berserker, who begins to threaten him. Carmine laughs, disrobes, and shows his chiseled, naked body to the supposedly blind beast. Stunned by his godliness, the Berserker proceeds to eat herself. Leaving his bloody armor behind (because, seriously, Berserkers are total slobs when it comes down to eating themselves), he escapes to a nearby 7-11, where he eats free because he knows the owner.
  • November 9, 2006 - Carmine is the only COG soldier unharmed during the crashing of the Raven. He was found napping when the Stranded came to scrounge for leftover "meaty" bits.
  • November 10, 2006 - Carmine is seen being dragged through the locust tunnels and is shot in the face by General RAAM. Alas, Carmine has no face, so he was not injured.
  • November 7, 2008 - After accidentally sinking a city and slyly blaming it on a nearby massive worm, Carmine aided his inferior squad by hailing a chopper for them to flee on. Upon exiting, Carmine was shot. The squad (out of gratitude for the numerous times that Carmine had saved their hopeless asses) mistook the bullet holes for actual wounds and provided unnecessary to help him while he climbed back onto the chopper. Shortly thereafter, the intoxicated pilot of the chopper banked too hard, and the mighty Carmine slipped and fell into the maw of the great beast pursuing them. Upon surviving the crash, the squad found Carmine wrestling with some parasites in a pool of acid. The squad managed to successfully steal his kills and proclaimed (insisted) Carmine was dead. Shortly after his "death," the worm suffered a massive heart attack. This was no coincidence.
  • November 16, 2008 - Immediatly after the Lightmass Bomb was lost, dooming the entire human race, Carmine appeared in the cavern his squadmates were in and took off his helmet, exposing his "face" to the Brumak Marcus and Dom were riding. The Brumak, incapable of grasping his Godliness, mutated horribly into a living Lightmass Bomb, as well as possibly the easiest boss to kill in the history of man. (Though, mainly, the kind Brumak never wanted to kill any humans in the first place. In fact, none of them do. What, you actually call waving it's appendages around and hitting you every once in a while trying?)

See also[edit]


CHART OF FICTIONAL COLOURSColoursColors

Taupe Sepia Maroon Carmine Cerise Crimson Scarlet Burnt Sienna Amber Chartreuse Turquoise

Navy Blue Ultramarine Periwinkle Mauve Fuschia/Magenta Heliotrope Lavender Puce Ecru Khaki Beige