Carol Channing

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“Carol Channing is a very scary woman... scary, like, BOO!”

~ Satan on Carol Channing

“February 25 is National Carol Channing Day!”

~ The Gays on Carol Channing

Early Life[edit]

Carol Channing was born on Christmas, 0. She was actually birthed in the stable next to Jesus. Their mothers had a baby shower together. She later attended Oral Roberts University where she majored in Psychoceramics, studying under Oprah and Star Jones. In college, she joined the RAF and numerous a capella groups. She later wrote a book about her a capella experiences called "Honey, I Forgot the Orchestra." She won the Nobel Prize.

Hello, Dolly![edit]

In 1964, Channing starred in Hello, Dolly! on Broadway. After 509,436.4 performances as the absolutely fucked up matchmaker, she died while walking down the enormous staircase. Well, what happened was the chandelier from The Phantom of the Opera got bored of Andrew Lloyd Weber's showtunes and walked across the street to the theatre where Channing was performing and fell on her face. The audience laughed, because they fucking hate Andrew Lloyd Weber as well. Actually, everyone kinda hates Andrew Lloyd Weber. Almost as much as Stephen Shwartz. I mean, Pippin the musical??? What kind of crazy-ass mofo writes a musical about Charlemagne? Well, him, appearently. But I digress. Carol Channing died, but was replaced the next day by Mary Tyler Moore, who had had special plastic surgery for the occasion. After that, no one knew them apart.

Carol Channing's Ill-Fated 2,005th Birthday Party[edit]

When Carol Channing turned 2,005, she had a huge party on the deck of the Titanic. It was a blast. The guest list included Demi Moore, Suri Cruise, Julia Styles, Hamlet and a stapler. They had, I swear the best virgin Pina Coladas that I have ever tasted.

2008 Presidential Campaign[edit]

In June 2006, Channing announced that she planned to run for president in 2008. If elected, she would be the only posthumous president elect. Her platform includes post-mortem marriage rights and the legalization of pet ferrets.

Plastic Surgery[edit]

Carol Channing has never had plastic surgery. Well, that's a lie, she once had a total body replacement. However, her mouth has always been huge. When she talks you can see all her teeth, all seven hundred and fifty six of them.


Ms. Channing was married for 342 years to Prince Queer XXIV of Canada, giving her the onorary but never-used title of Governor-General of Gay Canada. In 1998, she married Oooooog, a mummy and fellow high school classmate from the Judea and Sammaria class of A.D. 12. Said Ms. Channing: "It's great to have a sex life again." Said Mr. Oooooog: "Oooooog."

Film Career[edit]

Channing has been seen in Bringing Up Baby as the fucking annoying-ass leopard and as Gilgamesh in All Dogs Go To Heaven II. She is rumored to play the Ceiling Fan in the upcoming The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars (Karaoke Version). We cannot, and I stress cannot trust these rumors!

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