The carp is a standard houshold appliance invented by the Earl of Corndogs (No realtion to the inventor of the corndog, the Earl of Carp) sometime in the late 1600's, at about the same time the Earl of Bratwurst invented the cheesecake, though several years before the Earl of Cheescake invented Prince Albert in a Can. The Carp has many uses, from huffing kittens to removing waxy buildup in the toes.
There are over 2,631 uses for the carp, about 62.7% of which involve baked goods. Certain carp will also agree to go on a date with your mother if you bring it a shrubbery. Carp, like most household appliances, can also be used as an impromptu murder weapon, and can be ordered with a pre-crafted alibi. Girls between the ages of 13 and 28-and-a-half are also sexually attracted to males smelling of carp (WARNING: The producers of carp take no responsibility for akward moments involving teachers, your date's mother, or Paris Hilton resulting from using their product in this manner). Carp is also good for scratching those hard-to-reach places.
Prevention of Misuse
Though there are several productive uses for carp, using it incorrectly can result in brain damage, dimmentia, runny noses, diarrhea, rashes from another dimension, hearing your hair grow, and flatulence, not to mention Clinja attacks. Besides following the "Care of" guidlines (see below), carp should never be used in any function involving toilets, which are their natural enemies. Most carp are also allergic to Yo Momma jokes. Carp should not be fed dairy products more than seven seconds old, by Papal Edict.
Care and Maintanence of the Carp
To get the most out of your carp, please adhere to the following guidlines:
- Be sure to keep your carp clean, as they are obssesive neat-freaks.
- Carp last longer if you read them a bedtime story at least five times a week.
- It is vital not to let carp into any water deeper than three inches without water wings.
- Carp enjoy violin music, and playing Mozart to them while they sleep will cause them to last much longer than normal.
- It has been noted by many that music by U2 will cause them to implode within ten seconds of exposure.
- Do not expose carp to polka music, other than that by Johann Strauss the younger.
- Do not leave carp in the sun for more than forty-seven and a half minutes.
- Do not feed carp after midnight.