Carpet

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Carpet.

A carpet is a piece of fabric used to cover a floor. They are fundamental to our lives. Without them, we'd have no use for vacuum cleaners and then Noo noo from the teletubbies wouldn't exist. It's not even worth thinking of what the world would be like without Noo noo. Carpets have been around for years. People who make them are known as Carpetters.

“SQUADALA!! We're off!”

~ Gwonam on Carpet

“WHOA, CARPET! SAVE ME!! ”

~ Aladdin on Magic Carpet

“I believe Jesus's dad was a carpetter”

~ Oscar Wilde on Carpetters

“He was a carpenter dumbass! Carpetter isn't even a real word.”

~ Jesus on His dad

“Besides, he's not my real dad. I'm the son of God, remember!”

~ Jesus on His real dad

Oi, can you two piss off! Why do you always have to make an appearance on every article.

“Sorry.”

~ Jesus & Oscar Wilde on apologising for being in this article

...Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, of course!

Description[edit]

The carpet is a large herbivore with a short, thick hair covering its body. This creature evolves rapidly, particularly in its colour and texture, in an attempt to avoid its main predator, man. However, while this was originally a fairly effective way to avoid being eaten (although not as much as the fact that it tastes disgusting), the discovery that a Carpet could be beaten flat with large heavy stones to make an attractive floor covering has meant that they are hunted across the world and flattened by a wide range of traditional cultures.

Alternatives to rock flattening have been developed. Being pushed off large cliffs flattens Afghan carpets. English carpets are flattened using the traditional team of 11 men with willow bats. Being sat on by Americans flattens American carpets.

Species variation[edit]

The carpet (or in Latin Furrus Floorus) can be divided into a number of subspecies. Here are some of the major subspecies:

  • Common house carpet - Short haired variety which is most abundant around the world. Each carpet has different coloured fur depending on it's surroundings (Carpets like to camouflage amongst the furniture).
  • Persian carpet - Patterned with bright islamic art to attract a mate and ward off predators. Named after the Prince of Persia videogame series.
  • Rug - Rugged-looking subspecies. These are often the smallest subspecies and tend to cover small areas of floor opposed to the whole floor. Hoovering rugs can be tricky as they fight back causing the vacuum cleaner to make a horrible noise.
  • Red carpet - A large carpet which hangs around places where actresses are likely to be walking so that it can look up their skirts and dresses. What a naughty little carpet.
  • Mongolian fur carpet - Long-haired subspecies from Mongolia.
  • Flying carpet - These carpets are endangered which is why you don't see many these days.
  • Fire carpet - Ever had a carpet burn?

Habitat[edit]

Carpets are found all over the world. They usually prefer dry places which is why they choose to live in houses where it doesn't rain unless your house is weird. An outdoor relative of the carpet is the doormat. However, some doormats prefer to live inside too. Carpets always live on the ground. When unable to lay flat, they roll up into a cylinder and smuggle Cleopatra.

Diet[edit]

Diet? It's a goddamn carpet! You'd think we were talking about an animal.

See also[edit]