“What? Carthage?! Didn't I tell you to stop making up animals! Sarge, on whatever Carthage is”
What is Carthage?
Carthage was the man who really painted the Sistine Chapel. He at fist envisioned doing the entire mural in the crap of various creatures, but Pope Pornstar XXX, who fully supported the idea, died shortly thereafter from AIDS, and his successor, Pope Innocent I thought it might be too overwhelming for pilgrims, and didn't want to have to dispose of many bodies in the future.
Ok, Seriously, What is Carthage?
Carthage was a band that formed in the 1950's, and composed many of today's great classics, like the William Tell Overture and I Kissed a Girl. They disappeared however, around the rise of the Beatles, never to be seen again. Many speculate that the Beatles were too high and braindead to actually compose music, and thus endeavored on a very complex and daring kidnapping plot. The hit band was then forced to write their songs, do pole dances for their pleasure, and huff kittens. Other popular theories on the band's disappearance include their being raptured early because God liked their songs, their being swallowed by a sperm whale, and their changing their name to Aerosmith.
Alright, come on! What the Fuck is Carthage?!
Ok ok, don't get so touchy. To be perfectly honest, Carthage was the Greek god of live, sex and fertility. On a side note, does it seem odd that the Greeks had so many gods of sex? I mean seriously, what did they think the gods did? Just have one big orgy all the time? It's like every other god is the god of intercourse. Man, those Greeks had some issues. It's a shame none of their porn has survived the test of time...
Look man, if you don't tell me what Carthage is...
Hey, I actually was that time. See, a bunch of Puritans from the Greek place (wherever the heck that is) decided that everyone around them was an idiot, so they banded together and tried to force every one of the mentally incapable members of their society out. And they succeeded. Unfortunately, now there were three hundred million retards sitting around the world with nothing to do. So once drooling and masturbation got boring, they decided to start a new city, the city of Carthage. Being that they all liked sex, because seriously who doesn't? I mean come on, even retards gotta like sex. Anyways, they named their city Carthage, because he was a sex god, and none of the other sex gods were as commonly featured in PlayIdiot.
The History of Carthage
Now that you know what Carthage is, it's time to hear, the REST of the story. Begining in the 5th century BC, Al Gore visited Carthage and found that everyone was an idiot. He decided he would dedicate his life to curing the people of their idiocy, and after many years, he created a cure to moronism (also known as Mormonism). However, his years in the city gave him an incuable strain of the disease, known now as enviromentalism.
The Pubic Wars
Suddenly becoming non-idiots, the Carthagians started making much better porn than the world had ever seen. Even better than those perverted Greeks. Rome, deciding the Greek porn they stole wasn't good enough, invaded Carthage to take their porn. Thus began the Pubic Wars, named so because all the Romans were so horny knowing they wre invading the sex capital of the world. Despite their excellence in sex, the Carthagians weren't very skilled at combat. Even the ones who 'liked it rough', a tradition frowned upon in most societies because of its human sacrifices and canibalism, coundn't compete with the Romans. A common explanation is that Rome had no women, and so a Roman had only male companion growing up. This stimulated the desire to either fight or be gay. Unfortunately for the Carthagians, many chose fighting and thus the Cathagians got pwned.
The Results of the Pubic Wars
The sex-deprived Romans conquered Carthage, stole all their women, and became very happy men who eventually retired to nudist colonies in Utah, Siberia, and Marilyn Monroe's butt. The Carthagians were all castrated and they eventually died of sex-deprivation, the most common method of execution at the time because it was so slow and painful. The city itself was destroyed, burned to the ground, hit by a meteor, buried, burned again, nuked, and finally turned into a black hole. But to this day, its legacy lives on in our memories as something in history that no one really knows about. Now you know REST of the story.
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